We’re all looking for the perfect relationship. We want to be loved unconditionally, never argue, and never doubt ourselves or our partner.
For the most part, relationships aren’t like this.
We have bad days, we have silly fights, and we don’t think we’re good enough for our partners.
These behaviors are completely normal, and don’t necessarily mean our relationships are unhealthy.
However, how we deal with these bad days often determines how healthy our relationships actually are.
Relationships take work, work we’re often unprepared for.
We learn relationship patterns from our parents, which can sometimes be deeply unhealthy. These need to be unlearned for our relationships to improve.
Having a healthy relationship requires we look at our own behaviour, make positive changes, and let ourselves be vulnerable with our partner.
What A Healthy Relationship Looks Like
It’s often difficult to ‘spot’ a healthy relationship, after all, what we see is only ever half the story.
But in general, a healthy relationship can be characterised by honesty, security, and trust. These can show up in a few different ways, but mostly, any couple that is in a healthy relationship will be relaxed around each other.
How To Have A Healthy Relationship:
Love Yourself First
In order to have a healthy, secure, sustainable relationship, you have to be able to love yourself before anyone else.
This isn’t necessarily easy, we all have baggage from our childhood and past relationships we’ve been in. Learning how to come to terms with this, and accepting ourselves for who we are can revolutionise how we feel about ourselves, and in turn about relationships.
People who have higher levels of self-love are better equipped to love others. Loving yourself allows you to love without fear, since you know your own worth. This gives you a fantastic foundation from which to start a relationship.
Communicate
For your relationship to be strong and successful, the two of you must be able to communicate with each other.
This covers both positive and negative things.
You have to be able to voice concerns - if something is bothering you, you should talk about it. Both you and your partner’s feelings are important and valid, you’re both partners in this relationship, so you both need to listen to each other.
You should also be comfortable voicing your desires in your relationship.
If you want something, you have to ask for it. Your partner isn’t a mind-reader, so if there’s something you need, or something you want to change about your relationship, you have to let them know.
If you assume they know what you want, you’ll likely just be disappointed when they don’t deliver.
Many of us feel selfish asking for what we want. It’s one thing to demand things of your friends, or to only think about yourself.
But when it comes to relationships, you absolutely have to be vocal about what you like, what you want, and how you want it.
Asking for what you want will ensure you get your needs met. This then sets the precedent for your partner to be open and honest with you as well, keeping the relationship balanced and equal.
Once we know for sure what our partner likes, we no longer have to guess, which frees up loads of time and energy from trying to decipher what they want from us.
We can use the love language that speaks to them best, we can show them we care in ways we know they’ll appreciate, and we won’t be upset when their needs don’t sync up with ours, because we have that strong foundation of knowledge.
Communication also requires you being an active listener.
Proper communication means actually having to listen to each other, rather than just reacting and jumping in with your point of view.
Good communication means you’ll be able to handle small disagreements in your relationship. Once you can clearly communicate your needs, if there are any issues, you should be able to reach a compromise, which is a good skill to have.
Be Able To Compromise
A compromise is where the two of you reach a mutually satisfactory agreement in response to an argument or problem. Compromise happens between world leaders and political rivals, and it should definitely happen in your relationship as well.
Being in a healthy relationship means accepting that you can’t force your partner to change. You can change how you handle problems. Sometimes we need to change our behaviour, sometimes we need to change our ideas about what a relationship is or what our partner needs from us.
In any relationship, you will eventually have a disagreement - it’s how you deal with those disagreements that determines whether your relationship is healthy or not.
Trust Each Other
You're probably not in a healthy relationship if you don't trust each other.
Trust is what keeps a relationship going when you’re apart. If you’re always suspicious, if you’re constantly worrying about what they’re doing or who they’re talking to, your relationship needs a major overhaul.
You both have to be honest, even about things that have annoyed or upset you.
This leads to the next point: if you want to have a healthy relationship, don’t be jealous.
Don’t Be Jealous Or Controlling
Jealousy is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Being suspicious of each other will lead to a toxic spiral of accusations and arguments, and is unsustainable.
You need to respect each other’s privacy, and give each other space. You shouldn’t spend all your time together, you need boundaries and freedom and you each need to be ok with that.
Read more about how to stop being jealous in your relationship.
You Should Be Supportive And Supported
If you’re in a healthy relationship, your partner should support you during difficult times.
Likewise, you should support your partner if they are struggling. Every relationship has some give and take, and there will be days where you need your partner to help you.
A healthy relationship takes time and effort. Talking about what you want, and working on your relationship with your partner is the first step to making it healthier.
Learn how to tell if you're in love.
Learn about the different types of love.
