Written by Xenia Ellenbogen
All couples do it — fight, that is. Though it can be unpleasant, fighting is part of a healthy relationship. Sometimes, it’s the catalyst for much-needed change and can bring couples closer to one another. But how often is too often, and how can you tell if your fighting is toxic or not?
If you’ve ever thought to yourself in a heated argument with a partner, “Is this healthy?” you’re not alone. Unfortunately, couples don’t receive a guidebook upon forming relationships with all they need to know about healthy communication styles. But there are warning signs to note that may help you steer clear of toxic fighting and ensure your fight stays in the green zone.
Without knowing whether or not communication styles are toxic, many couples remain in the dark about how a fight can look. Though it might seem revelatory to some, there doesn’t always need to be yelling or harsh criticism involved.
For more clarity around what’s toxic and what’s not when it comes to fighting, I reached out to Doug Richard, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Owner and CVO of Rooted Relational Therapy.
Differentiating between healthy and unhealthy fighting
If you want to know whether or not your fighting is healthy, a good place to start is spotting a toxic fight’s symptoms. Richard says unhealthy fighting is “when one or both partners go after each other instead of focusing on the issues that are bothering them.” Unfortunately, it’s easy for unhealthy fighting to become cyclical.
Richard explains, “partners get caught in a negative interaction cycle, which is often characterised by a back and forth volley of criticism and defensiveness, where one partner says something, and the other perceives it as harsh and reacts defensively, and then the first person reacts to their partner's reaction.” At that point, Richard says, it doesn't matter who started it, as you're both in your trenches throwing grenades at one another.”
Richard references John Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (shutting down), which are communication styles that increase the chances of divorce.
Healthy fighting, on the other hand, “is how healthy couples deal with conflict without attacking one another, getting defensive, or shutting down. You fight your problems together instead of fighting each other,” said Richard. During the conflict discussion, Richard names you might feel “tense, anxious, or vulnerable.”
An essential difference is that after the disagreement, “you may feel a bit worn out, maybe even exhausted if you weren't taught that having conflict is okay, but you'll likely feel closer to one another,” said Richard.
How can you tell if your fighting is unhealthy?
Obvious indicators might be screaming or physical violence, but sometimes, warning signs can be less overt.
“If you feel angry, feel like you want to hurt the other person (even emotionally), or you see your partner is responding as though they are fearful or angry, then it's probably a good idea to call a timeout for yourself and engage in some self-soothing behaviours in order to calm down,” said Richard.
The key is to pay attention to how you feel inside your body.
Ever feel out of control in a fight? There’s a reason for that! Richard attributes that sense of overwhelm as entering the "flood zone," during which “your prefrontal cortex goes offline, and you're left with your fight, flight, or freeze response. This is when people do or say things they wouldn't if they were able to think clearly. In healthy fighting, conversations stay focused on the issues and maintaining the relationship, not on one another and criticising the relationship.”
When you’re too overwhelmed to continue, Richard suggests, it’s best to take a breather and self-soothe. The catch? You can’t call a timeout for your partner. Richard notes, people never respond well to hearing they need to calm down. After you call a timeout for yourself, do something to calm down.
Richard recommends doing something that can help you return to a more relaxed state like yoga, meditation, mowing the lawn, going for a walk, or reading a book so you can come back to the conversation with a fully-operational prefrontal cortex.
Healthy communication: a step by step guide
Another key to healthier fights? Be mindful of how you start them. A sure way to not get what you want, Richard explains, “is when a conversation begins with a criticism (often in the form of a "you" statement). If you can catch yourself in the act, apologise and ask to start over. Pressing through will only make it worse.”
There’s a simple formula for how to ease into a disagreement, too. "I felt X when Y happened; I would like Z. This format allows you to be courageously vulnerable, share what the issue is for you, and tell your partner what you need, all without attacking them.”
Instead of defensiveness, try reflective listening throughout the disagreement, where you repeat back to the person what they just said to make sure you heard it correctly.
Another crucial piece? Validate your partner’s experience! Richard recommends letting your partner know it makes sense to you that they would feel however they do.
But how many fights are too many? On fighting frequency, Richard says, there is no typical formula. Rather than looking for a number to figure out if your fighting feels manageable, check in with your feelings and the way that you fight. Not fighting could imply avoiding conflict, which usually leads to stuffing emotions until they explode and, as you can guess, isn’t healthy either.
If you think you may be crossing into unhealthy fighting terrain, Richard suggests seeing a couple’s therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy that can help you and your partner avoid getting stuck in the content of your conflict and focus instead on the process.
Learning to see conflict as an ability to move through a disagreement and toward each other rather than away from one another can shift how your fights look and feel and help partners navigate as a team rather than one versus the other.
