What Does It Mean to be Sapiosexual?

Does someone talking about their favourite book get you hot under the collar? Is your idea of a perfect date a heated discussion of Descartes? Did you have a crush on your university lecturer because they were just so clever? Well, you may be sapiosexual. 

Up to 8% of people between 18 and 35¹ are thought to be sapiosexual. But what does it really mean? 

The definition of sapiosexuality derives from Latin: ‘sapio’ meaning wise and ‘sexualis’ meaning sexual. So if we wanted to define sapiosexual, it’s essentially an attraction to wise or intelligent people. The term was originally coined in 1998, but only came into the mainstream around 2010. It’s now pretty widely popular; Mark Ronson is sapiosexual, as is Channing Tatum’s character in the Lost City, and you’ve probably seen it in one or two Bumble profiles. But there’s still some confusion over what it really means. 

Sex, love and relationships coach, Andrea Balboni, tells us: “Sapiosexuality is used to describe a person who is predominantly sexually attracted to others with high levels of intelligence. However, the term means different things to different people.” 

Some people see sapiosexuality more as a sexual preference. “It simply helps them clarify what they find attractive,” she explains, whereas others view it more as an orientation, so “intelligence and mental acuity is the primary driver of their sexual attraction to people.” 

However, it’s important to note that both LGBTQIA+ people and heterosexual people may identify as sapiosexual. For example, a person may be gay and sapiosexual, straight and sapiosexual, or trans and sapiosexual. Balboni adds: “Whatever way someone identifies with the term, it’s important to acknowledge, honour and respect their view as it helps us to understand more about that person and how they relate to their sexuality and to the world around them.”

The only similarity between sapiosexuals and demisexuals is that neither place significant value on a person’s physical appearance in a relationship. Aside from this, there are significant differences. 

Balboni explains: “Sapiosexuality emphasises mental compatibility and the importance of a person's intellect. Emotional bonds and physical attraction are less important.” 

Demisexuality, on the other hand, is “more reliant on a strong emotional bond as a prerequisite for sexual desire or attraction. Intellect and physical attraction are less important.”

So if intellectual stimulation is your bag, you could be sapiosexual; but if emotional connection is what gets you going, you may be demisexual. Simple, right? If you want to understand more about what makes you sapiosexual vs demisexual, read on. 

Another area of potential confusion is the difference between greysexual and sapiosexual. Greysexual individuals may participate in sexual intimacy with others without a strong desire for sex. Similar to demisexuals, they typically only develop romantic attraction once a deep emotional connection is established. Unlike sapiosexuals, who are drawn to intelligence, greysexuals do not prioritise intelligence as a key factor in their attraction. While demisexuals do become sexually aroused, greysexuals generally do not experience sexual arousal in the same way that others might.

Balboni advises that you ask yourself these 5 questions:

Given that evaluating a person's intellectual capacity takes more time than assessing their physical appearance, it's not uncommon for relationships among sapiosexuals to progress at a slower pace. Sapiosexuals typically experience attraction in a gradual manner as they become more acquainted with their partners. So if you find yourself involved with a sapiosexual, there's no need to worry if your relationship seems to be developing more slowly compared to previous ones.

As sapiosexuals put less emphasis on physical appearance, they may be less likely to offer up compliments on your looks. This might be disconcerting for some, particularly those who are in a relationship with a sapiosexual for the first time, as it can be perceived as a lack of interest or rejection. But it’s important to remember that to them, it’s the inside that counts—and that’s just as important. 

Dating, if you’re sapiosexual, is not as clear cut as finding someone hot or not, so meeting someone you’re into might require a bit of creativity. If you want to meet that person, Balboni advises that you get out there and explore your intellectual interests: “Put yourself in places where intellectual conversations are welcome – attend lectures, join book clubs, participate in debates, and explore topics that interest you the most. You’ll meet like-minded individuals ready to chinwag with you on the deep stuff.” 

Balboni also suggests being up-front about being sapiosexual on your dating-app profile: “Mention that you’re sapiosexual in your profile, don’t be shy about it! You’ll attract individuals who share your appreciation for intelligence and mental gymnastics.”

And what about connecting with yourself? You may be wondering, if sapiosexuals are not too bothered about physicalities, then what does sapiosexual porn look like? It could be anything from two individuals having an intellectual debate and then proceeding to get it on as a result, to maybe a steamy audiobook using intellectual stimuli to get you going. Attraction for sapiosexuals is almost all in the mind, so it’s important to explore fantasies and push intellectual boundaries to get yourself in the mood.