Allow us to start by using an example. Let’s say “Alex” has always found themselves navigating the world of relationships and attractions in a distinctive way. Unlike some of their peers, Alex doesn't experience instant sparks of sexual desire based on appearances alone (they don’t enjoy one night stands). Instead, they possess a deep emotional depth that underpins their connections with others. Alex is ‘demisexual’, which means they require time and a profound sense of trust to form a meaningful bond with someone before experiencing any form of sexual attraction.
This aspect of their identity has led them to prioritise building strong emotional connections with potential partners, seeking the intimacy that stems from genuine understanding and shared experiences. Embracing their demisexuality, Alex finds empowerment in knowing that their attractions unfold organically, rooted in a deep appreciation for the emotional nuances that make every relationship special and fulfilling.
So, what is ‘demisexuality’?
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation characterised by the experience of sexual attraction only after forming a strong emotional bond or connection with someone. Individuals who identify as demisexual typically do not experience primary sexual attraction based solely on physical appearance or initial encounters. Instead, they require a deep emotional connection, trust, and familiarity with a person before feeling sexually attracted to them.
Demisexuality falls within the spectrum of ‘asexuality’, which encompasses individuals who do not experience sexual attraction or have a limited interest in sex. Demisexual individuals might experience sexual attraction, but it is typically in a more specific and context-dependent manner. Each demisexual person may have unique experiences and feelings related to their sexual orientation. Some may find it relatively easy to form emotional connections, while others might need more time and trust. Demisexuality primarily concerns sexual attraction, not necessarily romantic attraction. A demisexual person can still experience romantic feelings without experiencing sexual desire until an emotional bond is formed.
How do I know if I am demisexual or I just don't fancy a particular person?
This can be challenging, especially if you are still exploring and understanding your feelings and sexual orientation. If you consistently find that you need an emotional connection to feel sexually attracted to others, it could be an indication of demisexuality. If you have felt sexually attracted to people without forming a strong emotional bond, it might indicate that you are not demisexual.
Consider whether this pattern of needing emotional connection for sexual attraction is consistent across various situations and over time, rather than just an isolated instance. Take the time to explore your feelings and be open to understanding your sexuality. It's OK to question and learn more about yourself as you go through the process of self-discovery.
Remember that sexual orientation labels, including demisexuality, are meant to help individuals understand and communicate their experiences, but they are not rigid boxes. You can identify with a label if it resonates with your experiences, but it's also okay to feel uncertain or not fully fit within a specific category.
If you find that you consistently experience sexual attraction only after forming a deep emotional connection with someone, demisexuality might be a relevant aspect of your sexual orientation.
Can demisexuals enjoy casual dating?
Even demisexuals have to start somewhere, which means that dating is a great way to explore connections. However, they may prefer investing more time in one person so as to really get to know them, rather than casually dating lots of different people.
Some demisexual individuals might enjoy casual dating as a means of getting to know others and forming emotional connections over time. In casual dating scenarios, they may have the opportunity to build a foundation of trust and emotional intimacy with someone before any potential sexual feelings arise.
On the other hand, some demisexual individuals may find casual dating challenging or unfulfilling since it typically involves a more superficial or immediate approach to relationships. They might prefer to invest their time and energy in building deeper connections with a smaller number of individuals, focusing on forming meaningful emotional bonds before engaging in more intimate or sexual activities.
Do demisexuals ever have one-night stands?
While demisexual individuals primarily experience sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional bond with someone, it is still possible for them to have one-night stands or engage in casual sexual encounters. Demisexuality, as a sexual orientation, pertains to the conditions under which sexual attraction arises, but it does not necessarily dictate specific behaviours or actions in all situations.
Some demisexual individuals might find themselves in situations where a casual sexual encounter occurs, even if it is not their typical preference or usual way of forming connections. For instance, factors such as alcohol, spontaneity, or a unique set of circumstances might lead to a one-night stand, even though it is not the norm for their sexual experiences.
Some demisexual individuals may actively avoid casual sexual encounters because they find them unfulfilling or uncomfortable, while others might engage in such encounters occasionally without it significantly impacting their overall sexual orientation.
Can demisexuals be gay or straight?
Yes, demisexual individuals can be gay, straight, or identify with any other sexual orientation. Demisexuality, as a sexual orientation, refers to the conditions under which a person experiences sexual attraction, specifically the need for a strong emotional connection before feeling sexually attracted to someone.
Sexual orientation, on the other hand, refers to the gender(s) to which a person is romantically or sexually attracted. It encompasses categories such as gay (homosexual), straight (heterosexual), bisexual, pansexual, and more.
Demisexuality and sexual orientation are not mutually exclusive. A demisexual person can experience sexual attraction to individuals of the same gender (gay) or individuals of a different gender (straight) once they form a deep emotional bond. They may also experience attraction to individuals of multiple genders (bisexual) or regardless of gender (pansexual) under the appropriate emotional circumstances.
Are women more likely to be demisexual than men?
There is no conclusive evidence or research indicating that women are more likely to be demisexual than men. Sexual orientation, including demisexuality, is a complex and diverse aspect of human identity that can vary among individuals regardless of gender.
Demisexuality is about the conditions under which a person experiences sexual attraction, and it can be found across different genders and sexual orientations. However, it's important to note that research on sexual orientations beyond heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality has been relatively limited, and demisexuality has gained more recognition in recent years.
Like all sexual orientations, the prevalence of demisexuality may vary across different populations and cultural contexts. It's essential to recognize that each person's experience of sexual orientation is unique and not strictly determined by gender.
As the understanding of sexual orientations continues to evolve, researchers may gain more insights into the prevalence and patterns of various orientations, including demisexuality. In the meantime, it's important to support and respect individuals' self-identified sexual orientations, regardless of gender or any other factor.
How do I know if I am demisexual?
Discovering and understanding your sexual orientation, including whether you may be demisexual, is a personal and introspective journey. Here are some signs that might indicate you could be demisexual:
- Emotional Connection: You find that you need a strong emotional bond and connection with someone before experiencing sexual attraction towards them.
- Slow Attraction: You don't typically feel immediate or intense sexual attraction based solely on physical appearance or initial encounters. Instead, you tend to develop feelings over time as you get to know someone better.
- Difficulty with Casual Relationships: You may find it challenging to engage in casual dating or one-night stands because you prefer to form deeper connections with people before considering any intimate involvement.
- Prioritising Emotional Intimacy: Emotional intimacy and connection are more critical to you than physical or sexual aspects of a relationship.
- Limited Sexual Attraction: You might find that you experience sexual attraction relatively infrequently, and it often occurs in the context of close emotional relationships.
- Feeling Different: You may have felt different or struggled to relate to others' experiences of sexual attraction, leading you to explore the concept of demisexuality.
If these signs resonate with you, it might be worth exploring the concept of demisexuality further. There is no rush to label or define yourself. Take your time to learn more about different sexual orientations, reflect on your own experiences and feelings, and seek support from understanding and accepting individuals or communities.
It can also be helpful to talk to people who identify as demisexual and hear about their experiences to gain insights and perspectives. If you find that the demisexual label resonates with you and helps you understand your feelings better, it's entirely valid to embrace it as part of your identity.
However, remember that sexual orientation is a spectrum, and the most important aspect is acknowledging and respecting your own feelings and experiences. If you have questions or concerns, consider reaching out to a counsellor, therapist, or support group specialising in LGBTQIA+ issues to further explore your feelings and identity.
