What Does It Mean to Identify as Asexual?

Before we get into what it means to identify as asexual, let’s dispel some commonly held myths and stereotypes about one of the least understood letters in the LGBTQIA+ acronym.

Asexuality does not equal celibacy: A common misconception is that asexual people are celibate or abstain from sexual activity by choice. Asexuality is about a lack of sexual attraction, not necessarily a lack of sexual behavior. Some asexual folks may engage in sexual activity for various reasons, including intimacy or to meet societal expectations.

Asexuality is not a phase: Some people mistakenly believe that asexuality is a temporary phase or that individuals will eventually grow out of it and become sexually attracted to others. Asexuality is a valid and enduring sexual orientation, just like any other.

Asexuality is not a medical condition: Nor is it the result of a medical issue or hormonal imbalance. It is a natural variation in human sexuality, and asexual individuals are healthy and capable of forming fulfilling relationships.

Asexuals are not ‘prudes’ or ‘repressed’: They have the same capacity for love, emotional intimacy, and romantic relationships as anyone else. 

Asexuality does not equal aromanticism: Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction, while aromanticism is a lack of romantic attraction. These are separate aspects of a person's identity which we’ll explore more later in this article. Asexual individuals can experience romantic attraction and have romantic relationships.

Asexuality is not a choice: It is a genuine and inherent aspect of a person's sexual orientation. People do not choose to be asexual, just as others do not choose their sexual orientations.

Asexuality is not about fear or trauma: Nor is it about past negative sexual experiences. While some individuals may have experienced trauma, asexuality itself is not caused by such factors. It is an orientation that exists independently of a person's past experiences.

Asexuality is not about reproduction: Asexual folk may or may not desire or pursue parenthood, just like anyone else. Their lack of sexual attraction does not dictate their reproductive choices.

The definition of asexual means that a person may experience little or no sexual attraction to others, regardless of their gender or appearance. Asexuality is a legitimate sexual orientation, just like being heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. And equally, the identity exists on a spectrum, with a range of experiences within the asexual community.

Some people may have a complete lack of sexual and romantic attraction (often referred to as aromantic asexuality —more on this later), while others may occasionally experience limited sexual attraction or have a low interest in sexual activity.

People who identify as asexual might still engage in sexual activities if they choose to, but as with any sexual interaction, consent and communication are vital. Asexuality is about a lack of sexual attraction, not a lack of consent or agency.

Thankfully, there is a growing community to offer support, understanding, and resources for those who identify as asexual or who are questioning their sexual orientation. There is also more representation on TV and in the media than ever before.

Asexuality is becoming increasingly visible in discussions about sexual orientation and diversity, while advocacy and awareness efforts aim to educate the public about asexuality, reduce stigma, and promote acceptance.

The opposite of asexual is often referred to as allosexual. This term refers to people who do experience sexual attraction to others. In other words, they feel a desire for sexual intimacy. It's important to note that while allosexual is commonly used as the opposite of asexual in discussions about sexual orientation, the spectrum of human sexuality is broad and diverse. People's experiences of desire can vary widely, and there are many different sexual orientations that exist along this spectrum.

Those who experience romantic attraction to more than one gender but do not necessarily combine that with sexual attraction, or who simply have a low level of sexual desire, might identify as biromantic asexuals.

To really understand this identity, it helps to recognise the difference between romantic and sexual attraction.

Romantic attraction involves a deep emotional connection and desire for emotional intimacy with another person, be that through a relationship or companionship. Romantic feeling is often associated with love, infatuation, or affection toward another person. It may involve activities associated with dating, such as holding hands, cuddling, or going on romantic outings. Romantic attraction is not dependent on the gender or sex of the person to whom one is attracted. It can be directed toward people of any or no gender.

Sexual attraction, meanwhile, involves a desire for physical or sexual intimacy with another person, perhaps including sexual thoughts, fantasies, and desires. It often includes finding someone physically attractive in a way that arouses sexual desire.

Identifying as a biromantic asexual means you might desire an intimate or romantic relationship with someone (of any or no gender) but not want to progress this companionship into sexual intimacy. 

Gray asexuality, sometimes referred to as graysexuality or simply gray-A, is a term used to describe those who fall somewhere along the spectrum between asexuality and allosexuality . 

Gray asexuality is characterized by experiencing limited or infrequent sexual attraction, sexual attraction under specific circumstances, or sexual attraction that is weaker or less intense than what is considered typical. It’s very subjective, personal, and based on someone’s own feelings of sexual attraction. Identifying in this way can be validating for those who don’t fit neatly into the categories of asexuality or allosexuality. The term acknowledges and respects their unique experiences.

There are many, and while some people find these hyper-specific labels useful for expressing themselves, others find them limiting. It’s important to approach all conversations about sexuality and identity with kindness, respect and an open mind. Get ready to learn some long words!

Demisexual people experience sexual attraction but only after developing a strong emotional or romantic connection with someone. They do not typically feel sexual attraction based solely on physical appearance.

This term describes those who do not experience sexual or romantic attraction but still desire sexual or romantic relationships. They may seek such relationships even though they do not feel the typical associated attractions.

Autochorissexual folk may experience sexual fantasies, arousal, or desires but do not wish to act on those desires in real-life sexual activities. They often experience a disconnect between their fantasies and their actual sexual experiences.

Some asexual people may have a positive attitude toward sexual activity and may engage in it for various reasons, such as intimacy or the pleasure of their partner, even though they do not experience sexual attraction themselves.

People who identify this way may not have strong feelings about sexual activity, whether positive or negative. They may be open to it but do not actively seek it out.

This refers to having a negative or uncomfortable attitude toward sexual activity. People who identify this way generally avoid sex, even if they may engage in it for other reasons (for example,  to please a partner).

There is no universal checklist or definitive test to determine one's sexual orientation, including asexuality. Instead, understanding your sexual orientation typically involves self-reflection, exploration, and introspection. 

Take some time to reflect on your feelings and experiences related to sexual attraction and desire. Do you find yourself rarely or never experiencing sexual attraction to others? Do you feel that sexual activity is not a significant part of your life or desires?

Think about your past and present experiences with romantic relationships, dating, and sexual activity. Have you felt compelled to engage in sexual activities, or have you done so mainly to please a partner rather than due to personal desire?

Educate yourself about asexuality and the diverse experiences of asexual people. Read books, articles, and personal stories from the asexual community to gain insight into the orientation and to see if any of their experiences resonate with your own.

Engage with the asexual community through online forums, social media groups, or local LGBTQIA+ organizations. Hearing from others who identify as asexual can provide valuable perspectives and support.