Almost all of us are guilty of overthinking our relationships at one point or another. We read too much into a text, get jealous over an ex, or even wonder if our partner really wants to be with us at all.
Overanalyzing your relationship can undermine your happiness, and leave you feeling uncertain and insecure. So why do we do it?
Why We Overthink Our Relationships
Most often we overthink our relationships because we’re insecure. This might be from past relationships where we ended up getting hurt, or because deep down, we don’t believe that we deserve to be happy.
For some of us, the second we realise we’re in a happy relationship, we panic, and start looking for the most efficient way to sabotage it.
We believe the person we’re seeing will soon realise they can do better, that we annoy them, or that they’re already looking for an excuse to leave. This puts us in a defensive position, expecting trouble, and drives us to seek out problems to fix where there might not be any.
On top of that, we want our partners to reassure us, we want them to be constantly there for us, and we want to know how they feel at all times.
But that’s not how relationships work. People speak in different love languages, and sometimes those languages don’t sync up. If our partner doesn’t show affection in the way we want, we sometimes react badly, assuming there is no affection at all.
We might then wonder why that is, why can’t our partner meet our needs in the way we want, when we want it? From there, we might go on to catastrophize the relationship, believing it’s doomed.
Of course, none of this is the case, but because of our overthinking, we’ve made ourselves miserable, and possibly damaged our relationship.
Why Overanalyzing Makes Us Miserable
The more we overthink our relationships, the more likely we are to find fault with them, or to invent problems that aren’t there. This puts strain on the relationship, which in turn lowers our overall happiness.
Obsessing on something will never make you feel better - it will only leave you feeling worse.
Our relationships can have a big impact on our mental health, so it’s worth examining how we contribute to our own suffering when we’re struggling with them, and what we can do to improve things for ourselves.
How To Stop Overthinking Your Relationship:
Trust Your Partner
Trust is a vital part of any relationship, and can help keep you grounded even if you do occasionally overthink things.
If you trust your partner, you assume they mean what they say, that they care about you, and that they don’t want to play games with you.
However, people who have a tendency to overthink things in their relationship are less likely to trust their partner, which means they’ll be more likely to overthink things further. This anxiety undermines the entire relationship, but it doesn’t have to ruin things for you.
Read more about how to date when you have anxiety.
Think In Ways That Are Helpful
One of the main ways to stop overthinking your relationship is to learn how to think in more helpful, constructive ways.
When you overthink your relationship, you tend to create a problem where there isn’t one. You focus on one element of your relationship and look and look and look until you find something to get upset about. This isn’t a productive use of your time and energy, it doesn’t make you happy, and you absolutely don’t have to carry on doing it.
It’s sometimes worth thinking of things in terms of what you can and can’t control. You can’t control what your partner says, does, or thinks. You have to accept this. Trying to second guess everything they say will leave you mentally exhausted, and trying to control them will drive them away.
You can however, control what you say, do, and think. If you catch yourself spiralling, you can stop yourself from going over the edge. Focus on how you feel, and then work towards feeling better. Don’t let your overthinking control your actions.
Worrying about the future is essentially worrying about something that might never happen. Focus on the present, what you’re doing right now. If you’re not doing anything, find something to do!
Have A Life Outside Of Your Relationship
It’s much easier to stop overthinking things if you have other areas besides your relationship where you can focus your energy and attention.
If you’re just sitting at home obsessing over why they haven’t texted you back yet, find something to take your mind off your relationship. Having projects or hobbies to work on, or friends to see, will give you something to distract yourself with, and will stop you overthinking and sabotaging your relationship.
Try to make some time for yourself every day, as this will set up a good routine for you to fall back on, as well as giving you some space and perspective on your relationship.
Talk To Your Friends
Sometimes you just have to get your worries out. You should do this with your friends, as they might be able to better judge if you’re overthinking, or if your concerns are legitimate.
Just talking about things should make you feel better, but this also lowers the risk of you getting into an argument with your partner over something you’ve built up in your head.
Learning how to stop overthinking your relationship is a process, but you get better at it over time.
Read more tips for dating someone new, or learn why you should love yourself before anyone else.