Sometimes it takes us a long time to realise we’re unhappy in our relationships. The start of the relationship, known as the honeymoon period, is easy.
Over time however, things settle down. You establish patterns. You become comfortable. Hopefully, you become happy.
Sometimes though, relationships can actually make us unhappier than we were before.
Both people in a relationship have their own wants and needs. Sometimes these just aren’t compatible, if you want different things the two of you won’t be able to make it work in the long-term.
Deep down, we usually know this, but we get together anyway. Most of us have gotten into a relationship that wasn’t good for us because the other person was just so attractive, or funny, or nice to us.
But if you aren’t compatible in the ways that matter: how you communicate, how you show affection, what you want in the future, you’ll end up unhappy in one way or another.
Other times, our needs change over the course of our relationship, meaning we might wake up one day and realise we’ve become entirely different people to who we were when we began.
Neither of these situations are necessarily anyone’s fault.
Things change. People change. This can be hard to accept, and we might stay with people who make us unhappy because we’re scared to be alone, or we’ve invested time and energy into the relationship and don’t want to leave after all that work.
If you’re unhappy in your relationship there are a few things you need to consider before making any decision about whether to leave.
What To Do If You’re Unhappy In Your Relationship:
Assess Your Situation
Once you’ve realised you’re unhappy, take some time to really figure out why that is. Is it because your partner has changed? Is it because you have changed?
Sometimes relationship difficulties aren’t actually coming from the present, they’re coming from the past.
How your parents raised you, how exes or even friends have treated you, these can have big impacts on how we navigate our romantic relationships. Sometimes you have to interrogate why you’re feeling the way you are, and evaluate whether it’s something you need to work on yourself.
There’s normally something you or your partner can do to make things easier. However, if you want completely different things, you might have your work cut out for you.
Be Honest About What You Want
You have to be honest with yourself about what you really want. If you know you want kids and they don’t, ever, how is that possibly going to work? This can be emotionally brutal, but at a certain point a healthy dose of cold, hard pragmatism can save us a lot of heartache in the long-run.
It’s easy to confuse what you want with what you need. We all need trust, closeness, and honesty in our relationships.
Beyond that, only you can decide what you really need to make a relationship work.
However, expecting too much from our partner can lead us to be unhappy, especially if they’re fundamentally different to us in how they approach relationships.
Hoping that they’ll magically change to fit our needs, or that we can somehow mold them into what we need is a surefire recipe for disappointment.
Once you’ve been honest with yourself, you have to be honest with them.
Explain how you’re feeling, without laying the blame at their feet. Keep things focused on solutions - if you have ideas on how to improve things, share them. This can keep the conversation positive and productive, rather than just being a list of problems.
Remember that all relationships go through rough patches. If you talk things through with your partner, you might be able to make a few changes to put you back on the right track.
Decide Whether To Stay Or Go
Ultimately, if you are unhappy in your relationship, it doesn’t mean that relationship has to end. You can make the choice to stay, and change things.
Once you’ve assessed how you’re feeling, thought about what you want, and whether there is a future for this relationship, you can decide whether or not that’s the future you want.
If you’re unhappy in your relationship, there are always options open to you: friendly advice, talking with your partner, even counselling. You don’t have to suffer in silence, you don’t have to go through it alone, and you don’t have to throw away your relationship.
Working on a relationship isn’t always easy. You have to be open, honest, and vulnerable with someone who could really hurt you.
If you try to stay and make things better but things don’t work out, it’s time to end the relationship.
Remember: your long-term happiness and your safety should be your priorities.
Read more about how to have a healthy relationship, or, learn how to move on after a break up.