Almost everyone has some degree of insecurity that they have to deal with. Whether it’s our looks, ability, intelligence, or our overall worth, all of us will feel insecure at certain points in our lives.
Insecurities are often distorted perceptions of how we really are, and they lead us to worry what other people think of us, that we don’t measure up against other people, that we’re not good enough, not attractive enough, not smart enough.
Social media is only making this worse, we’re constantly bombarded with ‘perfect’ people living perfect lives.
This insecurity can have a hugely detrimental impact on our lives. It can hold us back at work, stop us taking risks, and can damage our relationships.
But where does this insecurity come from?
Why We Become Insecure:
Past Criticism
Sometimes insecurities come from people we loved, looked up to, or trusted, criticising us.
For example, our parents have a huge amount of power over how we see ourselves and our place in the world. They influence our perceptions from the moment we’re born, and memories of one hurtful comment in our childhood can leave us insecure for decades afterwards.
These comments probably weren’t intended to scar us for life, but hey, that’s parents for you.
These insecurities are some of the hardest to deal with, as they’re baked into our psychology. The longer we’ve been living with an insecurity, the more power it has over us. These can be improved, but it does take work.
Negative Self-Image
Over time we build up an idea of ourselves based around how others talk about us.
If people have said negative things about us, we’re more likely to internalise those, and reinforce them over time the more and more negative statements we accumulate.
Most of our issues with insecurity stem from this negative image we hold of ourselves. Constructed out of every criticism we’ve ever heard, every comparison we’ve made between ourselves and someone else, this image is often hideously distorted, completely different to how we actually are.
To make things worse, insecurity is normally accompanied by a critical inner voice, one that highlights anything you don’t like about yourself and focuses on it. This voice is only ever critical, reinforcing that idea that you’re not good enough.
You can unlearn this.
You have to retrain your brain to think in positive, constructive ways. This is hard work, and it never really stops. But the more you do it, the easier it gets.
You can start to strip away this negative image you’ve built of yourself, you can silence that negative voice you’ve gotten used to hearing, and live without making yourself miserable.
Endless Comparison With Others
Insecurities can be made worse by comparing ourselves with other people. If you look hard enough, you will always be able to find someone more attractive, more confident, more successful than you.
You only need to look at your instagram feed for a few minutes to be inundated with images that attack your sense of security on virtually every level: rich people having a fantastic time on a beach while looking beautiful, probably on a horse or something.
This constant comparison between yourself and models on instagram isn’t helpful, and will increase your overall level of insecurity. This has been said a hundred times before, but most of what you see on Instagram isn't real.
You should focus on what you have, what you bring to the table - there will be lots.
Why You Need To Deal With Your Insecurities:
If left unexamined, insecurity can bleed into every area of our lives. Without healthy self-esteem, you could find yourself questioning your ability at work, losing confidence when it comes to meeting new people, or assuming your partner is going to leave you.
Insecurity leads to anxiety and jealousy in romantic relationships, which is unhealthy and can lead to the breakdown of that relationship.
The majority of insecurities in relationships come from completely irrational fears - fears we can learn to leave behind.
Working through your insecurities can lead to stronger relationships, as you’re more secure and confident in yourself. Every insecurity is an opportunity for positive growth.
How To Stop Being Insecure:
Work On Your Self-Esteem
One way you can begin to leave your insecurities behind is to work on your self-esteem.
Find things about yourself that you love, things that you’re proud of, and things that make you special. If you can’t think of anything, ask partners or friends to list things for you.
Trust them on this, don’t fight or argue against the things they love about you. Just accept them.
From there, you have to try to accept yourself as a whole. It can be helpful to stop thinking of things you don’t like as ‘flaws’, especially physical aspects of yourself. Your body is just a body. It doesn’t exist to be pretty, or strong, and you should try to be happy with it.
Read more about why you should love yourself.
Get Therapy
If you’ve struggled with insecurity your whole life, maybe consider getting professional help overcoming it.
Of course, this isn't for everyone, but therapy can help you identify the roots of your insecurities, give you new ways of thinking about yourself, and equip you with effective strategies for overcoming your issues.
If insecurities have cost you relationships before, it might help to get an introductory session.
Surround Yourself With Positive People
There’s nothing worse than being surrounded by people who make you feel bad. A surprising amount of us maintain friendships or acquaintances with people who are not positive to be around, who take every opportunity to insult or demean us, who lie to us, who are generally just straight up bad people.
It takes time to realise this, but once you do, you can cut these people out of your life.
This makes such a radical difference, as your insecurities aren’t being fed by these people anymore.
From there, you can start to build a more positive network of people who appreciate you. Your friends should support you, and build you up. This positivity will become reinforced over time, and eventually will become a part of how you perceive yourself.
By confronting your insecurities, you can begin to work on them, and become a more confident and positive person to be around. This will stop you sabotaging your relationships, and make you more comfortable and secure with yourself.
Read more about how to have a healthy relationship.
