Trying to figure out how and when to have ‘the talk’ about becoming exclusive with someone you’ve been dating can be very tricky.
Dating apps, as well as more casual attitudes towards dating in general, mean that we’re now more likely to be seeing more than one person at the same time.
If we want to be exclusive with one person, we have to talk to them, and find out if they feel the same.
Before having this talk, we’re normally full of worried questions: is it too soon? Do they feel the same way? What if they don’t?
It can be scary to put yourself out there and be vulnerable, but it’s the only way to properly define the relationship and understand how you both feel.
If you assume you’re exclusive without talking about it, you could get yourself hurt further down the line, so it’s always best to find out exactly what’s going on.
But how do you know when to have the talk?
When Should You Talk About Becoming Exclusive
You shouldn’t bring the topic of exclusivity up before you’re sure you want to be exclusive.
Dating is supposed to be fun, you’re supposed to see different people and find out what you like.
Don’t jump into a relationship before you’re completely ready and completely sure that you want to be with this person.
However, if you catch yourself doing or feeling any of the following, it might be time to define the relationship.
If You’re Already Acting Like A Couple
If you’re already seeing each other every week, if you’re keeping a toothbrush or spare clothes at each other’s places, or if you’re planning future plans together, you should probably think about becoming exclusive.
If You Can’t Stop Thinking About Them
If you can’t get the person you’re seeing out of your head, if you’re texting them every day, and if they’re the first thing you think about when you wake up and the last thing you think about before going to bed, you should find out how they feel.
If You Don’t Want To Date Anyone Else
If you can’t imagine dating anyone else, that’s a strong sign that you want to be in a relationship with this person, and this person only.
For some people, reaching this point only take a few weeks. For others, it might take months. There’s no right or wrong time to have the conversation, you just have to be sure you’re ready to take things to the next stage.
How To Talk About Becoming Exclusive:
Set Out A Time To Have A Long Conversation
You don’t want to start this conversation in the two minutes before you have to get on a train, or right before going to bed.
Talking about becoming exclusive can take a long time, so give yourself as much time as you need to iron everything out.
They may need time to think about what they want, in which case you’ll have to wait and see how it turns out. Don’t demand an answer, or try to change their mind. Give them time to think about it and fully express how they want to proceed.
This can be more confusing that you might think, and unless the answer is a definitive ‘yes, this talk can get complicated, especially if you try and do it over text.
Have The Talk In Person
It’s always better to have any serious relationship conversation in person.
Things can get misunderstood over text, with simple sentences taking on sinister or uncertain tones that could easily be clarified if you had taken the time to speak in person. Body language, gesture, tone and intonation all go a long way in helping effectively communicate whatever you’re trying to say.
It’s also crucial to show them that your relationship is important enough for you to talk about it in person. This shows them that you’re serious about what you want. This also helps set a precedent for future talks about your relationship.
Be Open And Honest
This should be pretty self-explanatory. If you want to be in an exclusive relationship, you have to tell them how you’re feeling, and how you want things to continue.
If you want to be exclusive, you have to explain what means to you.
You need to be really honest about what you want: don’t settle for less if you want a serious relationship.
Deciding to have this talk can be scary, but it’s always worth figuring out exactly what you want and where you stand. If you want to be exclusive, you should tell them.
However, if you’ve been reading this because you struggle with being exclusive, maybe it’s just not for you. Read our post on non-monogamy if you think you’d be better off having multiple romantic relationships.
If you do decide to become exclusive, learn how to have a healthy relationship.
Read more about the different stages of relationships.