You might have seen more people on dating apps or social media listing themselves as non-monogamous or polyamorous. 

A friend might have just started, which is why you looked it up. 

These relationship practices have become more popular in recent years, thanks to an increase in books, documentaries, podcasts, and general conversation around the topic. 

Social media has amplified all of this, allowing people to share their lives and how they live them. 

Some people are under the impression that non-monogamy is a new thing, but people have been doing it for thousands of years. 

In fact, since there has been the concept of monogamy, there has also been non-monogamy. 

What Is Non-Monogamy?

Non-monogamy is when the two people who make up a couple also sleep with other people, either separately or together. 

This can extend to having romantic relationships with other people, known as polyamory. 

Non-monogamous or polyamorous relationships are often the subject of intense scrutiny from friends family, and even complete strangers. But they’re really not that complicated. 

Why Have Non-Monogamy And Polyamory Become So Popular?

The truth is that both non-monogamy and polyamory have always been popular. 

They offer more freedom than a traditionally monogamous relationship, and allow us to critically examine many behaviours and assumptions that we have previously taken for granted to be an integral part of all relationships, like jealousy.

While you can never entirely eliminate jealousy, non-monogamy forces each person involved to really look at themselves, their partners, their insecurities, their desires, and how they approach relationships in general. 

A weird thing that seems to have taken root in our culture is that jealousy is somehow good, that a couple that is overly jealous or controlling over each other must ‘really love each other.’ 

This is super messed up. 

Jealousy is bad. It’s unhealthy, it’s often unfair, and it can ruin relationships. 

It often comes from a place of insecurity, manifesting as clinging to another person, terrified that they’ll leave. 

For other people it manifests as anger, and they accuse their partner of being unfaithful without any evidence. 

If you open up to the idea of non-monogamy, it forces you to confront your jealousy, and actually deal with it in a constructive way, rather than just suppressing it, or letting it explode in big dramatic outbursts. 

Certain people who have successful polyamorous relationships say they could never go back to monogamy, not because of a ‘lack of freedom’, but because so many monogamous relationships revolve around and can even feed off of jealousy. 

Part of why non-monogamy has become so popular is because it fundamentally requires a kind of radical honesty to work. This transparency leads to deeper trust, which is the foundation of any relationship. 

Many couples who experiment with it say that it led to improved communication, more trust, and renewed levels of intimacy. 

There are as many different ways to practice non-monogamy as there are couples or groups who do it, there’s no ‘right’ way. But there are some typical components. 

How Non-Monogamy Can Work:

Everyone Involved Knows What’s Going On

Many people who are polyamorous or in an open relationship say they’re engaged in ‘ethical non-monogamy’. 

The ‘ethical’ element is a crucial component - as it signifies that everyone involved is fully aware and happy with whatever is happening. 

Every member of the relationship has agreed that they will operate in a certain way, which is often very different for different people. 

For non-monogamy to work for one person, they might need to know who their partner is seeing, and when. For others, they may just need to know a name, and that that person exists. 

Communication is the only way this works. What people need to know might change over time, so these requirements may be more fluid than static. 

Again, it all comes down to trust.

Needs Are Outlined, Respected, And Met

Many of us will know what it’s like to be in a relationship where we weren’t fully happy. 

People often censor themselves, or have to come to terms with the fact that being in a relationship might mean certain desires have to be abandoned. 

This kind of sacrifice is another element of relationships we’ve been taught to accept, when there are other models of relationships out there that allow us to truly get what we need.

Non-monogamy gives everyone in the relationship a way to vocalise their needs, free from judgement, and then work together to find ways to ensure those needs are met. 

Boundaries Are Established

Of course, it’s not just a free-for-all. Every non-monogamous couple will have clear boundaries in place. These can be different depending on who else is involved, or they might be universal. 

These boundaries are vital to ensure the emotional wellbeing of everyone taking part, and are a core part of how trust is built and maintained in non-monogamy and polyamory.

Partners Talk To Each Other

All of these elements rely on good, clear, and consistent communication. Polyamorous people have to talk to each other to understand what the other is going through, and how they can help if they need it. 

Every relationship occasionally needs maintenance, and the only way that happens is by talking about where your relationship is at, and where you’d like it to be. 

How To Tell If Non-Monogamy Is For You

Here are a list of reasons you might want to try non-monogamy:

• You like meeting people for first dates

• You’re sick of people being overly jealous and demanding of your time in ways you can’t meet

• If you’ve ever been casually seeing two people and you wished you could date both of them 

• If you’ve ever been in a relationship and had to pretend that you didn’t find anyone else in the world attractive

• Your relationship is missing something crucial for you that your partner can’t provide

This last point is important: some people get into non-monogamy to try to spice up or save their dying relationship. 

This isn’t fair to the new person or people you involve in your relationship, especially if they end up being made to feel guilty for that relationship’s breakdown. 

That being said, one of the main benefits of polyamory is to have multiple relationships where partners bring different things to the equation. 

So many people complain that their partner doesn’t like their favourite sport, or won’t go dancing, or doesn’t understand why that one hobby means so much to them. 

Polyamory allows people to have a partner who loves that sports team, or who goes dancing every week, or who knows what ‘roll for initiative’ means. 

If you’re interested in learning more about polyamory, or think you might want to try non-monogamy for yourself, there are so many resources out there for you use and learn from, including the book More Than Two.

Read more about why we should all be honest about what we want.

Or learn how to take care of yourself while dating.