Written by Almaz Ohene

For lots of people, negotiating mutually pleasurable sex isn’t always easy. But with practice, clearly expressing our desires and boundaries just becomes another part of the experience. While it may feel uncomfortable to vocalise your boundaries to begin with, it’s actually really empowering and leads to better, communicative, consensual sex.

Consensual sex

Firstly, let’s define ‘consensual sex.’ This means:

• There is no coercion involved: violence, threat, pressure, persistence (asking multiple times until they say ‘yes’).
• Nobody involved is intoxicated.
• Nobody involved is underage.
• Each person involved is giving verbal (spoken) and non-verbal (body language) cues that they want to have sex.

Sexual consent should be:

• Mutual – your partner(s) also wants to have sex or engage in sexual activity with you.
• Voluntary – you have decided to have sex or engage in a sexual activity without external pressure, expectation, or guilt. You understand what’s going on and are not incapacitated by alcohol or drugs.
• Informed – you understand the terms and boundaries of having sex or engaging in a sexual activity. If at any time, the terms of the situation change (if, for example, your partner removes their condom during sex without telling you) then your original consent becomes invalid.
• Ongoing – there is no such thing as blanket consent, even if you have had sex or have engaged in sexual activity with a partner, before. Saying yes to one sexual activity doesn’t mean you agree to do it again in the future, or that you consent to other sexual activities.

Remember, consent is needed each time for each specific activity in the whole range of intimate activities including, but not limited to: sexting, phone sex, kissing, touching, oral sex, and penetrative sex.

Some people are already good at talking about sex before they do it, but others might not be. They might not feel like they are entitled to ask for what they want from sex, especially if the other person/people within the sexual dynamic have more social power than they do. Imbalances in power dynamics in sexual situations can sometimes make the person with less power feel like they have to go along with the sex even if they don’t really want to.

People might also start a sexual experience being really up for a certain aspect of it, but then go off it while it’s happening. This is fine and should absolutely be respected.

All of these points are reasons why it’s super important to make sure that any kind of sex act that you engage in is consensual while you’re doing it and not after it’s happened.

Ways to give consent

The clearest way to give consent is directly and verbally. This means actually say “yes” out loud. Or you can also use affirmative phrases out loud such as:

“I want to...”

“I want to try...”

“Do you want to do…” etc.

It can be really empowering for both yourself and your partner to hear positive feedback. Lots of people find that affirmative phrases such as:

“That’s good”

“Keep going!” work well.

In sexual scenarios, you can also give consent in nonverbal ways, like nodding or pulling your partner(s) closer when you’d like then to carry on doing whatever it is that they’re doing. However, non-verbal cues may be misunderstood or ignored, so it’s a good idea to use words in addition to nonverbal signals. 

Saying “no” or withdrawing consent

We aren’t really taught how to say ‘no’ in a sexual situation – nor how to receive a ‘no.’ Women, especially, are socially conditioned to give a ‘soft no’, for example, “Can we just chill for a bit?”, over a ‘hard no’, for example, “Stop”.

So, practicing confidently saying “no” or “stop,” is really important. Phrases like, “I don’t want to”, “I need to think about it,” or “Can we discuss this later?” also get your ‘no’ across. You can also give feedback using phrases such as:

“I don’t like that”

“Can you try this instead?”

“That doesn’t work for me”

"I'd rather..."

Non-verbal cues and consent

People’s breathing patterns can change during sex. It might get quicker if they are excited, but this can also happen if they are nervous or panicky. By piecing together other bits of context from your situation, such as your partner’s body language and the things that they have said leading up to the change in breathing will help to let you know whether they are excited or nervous. People’s breathing can also slow down during sex. This could mean that they are well-relaxed, or bored. Again, contextualising their changes in breathing alongside their non-verbal cues and what they’ve said will help you interpret how the other person is feeling about what’s happening.

Eye contact can also tell you a lot about how much someone is into the sexual experience. Lots of direct eye contact often means “This is great”, but if someone struggles to meet the eyes of the person/people performing a sex act on them, then they may not be all that into it.

If someone is completely silent and isn’t giving any non-verbal clues either, then this isn’t consent, as communication isn’t clear.

Although it might seem like really basic stuff, purposefully verbalising your desires and boundaries during pleasure-seeking activities is often overlooked, which is why so many people might feel awkward doing so in the moment. To banish all awkwardness once and for all practice saying, “Mmm, that feels good”, out loud. Do it now. And do it often!

It’s worth remembering that everyone is different and responds to sexual experiences in their own unique way. But by paying close attention to how your partner(s) act and respond during sex will not only mean that your experiences are all consensual, but will lead to more empowered and fulfilling experiences overall.