Coming to the end of a relationship is rarely ever a pleasant experience, even if it’s a mutual decision to go your separate ways. No matter the length of time you were with your partner, it’s overwhelming to find yourself suddenly single – especially during lockdown. Usually, there are lots of distractions to take your mind off the pain – like jetting off on a last-minute holiday to escape, or planning a night out with friends and dancing until the sun comes up. Thanks to global lockdowns, single people everywhere have been resigned to staying at home and sitting with their feelings. It’s a really difficult time to be newly single right now and there’s no sugar-coating that, but remember that it’s always better to be single than in a relationship that’s not making you happy. And at least there’s no chance of awkwardly bumping into your ex at a party!
Here are some tips for coping if you’re experiencing a break-up during lockdown.
Cry, cry, then cry some more
If you ask ten people how long it takes to get over a break-up, everyone’s answers will be different. Some people take longer than others, and it depends on a number of factors. You can’t control when you’re going to feel ok again, and there’s no magical cure for heartbreak (though we wish there was). The first thing you can do to help yourself through a break-up is to allow yourself to feel the pain. Stay in bed for as long as you need to, put on your favourite Sad Songs playlist, sit in the shower and cry until you can’t cry anymore. The post-break-up clichés are clichés for a reason: they’re tried and tested methods of letting your emotions out. Denying yourself the chance to grieve the loss of your relationship will only mean that the pain comes out later down the line, so save yourself some time and let rip now.
Limit the social media stalking
Let’s be honest, you have to be a REALLY strong person to avoid looking at your ex’s social media accounts after a break-up. It’s natural to want to know what your ex is up to, but ultimately, seeing how they’re living life without you is just going to make you hurt even more. If looking at your ex’s Instagram stories is making you upset, try to remember that nobody is going to put their worst moments on the internet and they’re probably hurting just as much as you are. Similarly, limiting the amount of time you spend reading through old text conversations is a step in the right direction. Friends and family are likely to check in on how you’re doing when you’re experiencing a break-up, but if it will help, ask them not to mention your ex’s name and keep you distracted with other conversations instead.
Fill your spare time by caring for yourself
Once you’ve got through the initial wallowing-in-bed stage of the break-up, try to spend a little bit of time each day doing something for yourself. If you can, gather the strength to go for a walk, get hooked on a really good podcast, and wander until you get lost. Grab a plant from the market and try to nurture it so it grows. Have a look at recipes online and spend time in the kitchen concentrating on the steps needed to make a delicious meal. It’s important to take baby steps, and it’s ok if you give up halfway through. Trying to do something productive when all you want to do is sit on the floor is brave – and it’ll get easier in time.
Do a relationship autopsy (yes, really)
Once you feel a bit more like ‘you,’ take time to think about the good bits and the bad bits of your previous relationship. What did your partner do that you loved? What made your skin crawl? Maybe your ex had a horrible habit of scrolling through their phone while you were talking to them, or maybe they never made plans and left it all up to you. Writing this out as a list may feel a little extra, but putting your thoughts on a piece of paper can help to empty your head and give you more clarity. Once you’ve got enough distance, doing a relationship autopsy can actually be a really healthy thing. It helps you work out what your dealbreakers are, what qualities you want in your next partner, and what you won’t tolerate again. Knowing your boundaries and what you’re looking for will help you when you decide to start dating again, whenever that may be.
When you’re ready to start dating
It will probably take a lot longer than you think to feel comfortable even thinking about dating anyone else, but when you do feel like you want to dip your toe, try downloading a dating app. Badoo is a great place to start because you can be totally honest about what you want and why you’re using the app. You can set your mood to things like ‘just passing through’ or ‘ready to chat’. If you haven’t dated in a long time and are struggling to think of anything to say to your matches, the openers function can give you a helping hand.
Mix it up
When you’ve got your dating profile set up, why not experiment with chatting to people who aren’t your usual type? Those lovely butterflies you feel from connecting with someone aren’t just caused by matching with the hottest person around – they can come from someone who makes you laugh or someone who shares the same niche interests as you. Badoo offers you the chance to add interests to your profile, so you can easily flag what you’re into and find others who enjoy those things too. Make your ‘interests’ section specific – if you love sports, try specifying that you love mountain biking to find like-minded matches. Even if you don’t end up finding a date, you could make a friend!
All in all, when you’re fresh out of a relationship, it’s best to take things at your own pace. You’re the only person who knows what you need and what you’re ready for, so make sure to pay attention to how you’re feeling and don’t feel pressured to get on the dating scene too soon. Look after yourself, talk to friends and family, and remember that you’re a fabulous human who won’t feel this way forever.
