Written by Almaz Ohene
No one likes the feeling of being rejected, and it can be easy to internalise romantic rejection as a commentary on our worth. When someone we want tells us they don’t feel the same way, we can start to question ourselves and our thinking becomes fixated on things like ‘Why I’m not good enough?’, ‘What did I do wrong?’, ‘Am I ugly?’ etc. It can be easy to start to define ourselves by the fact that another person has rejected us and at that point, we deem ourselves unworthy of future love.
Unfortunately, the greatest damage rejection causes is usually self-inflicted. Our natural response to being dumped by a date is not just to lick our wounds – but to become intensely self-critical. We call ourselves names, lament our shortcomings, and feel disgusted with ourselves. In other words, just when our self-esteem is hurting most, we go and damage it even further.
But in reality, it’s not you as a person, that’s being rejected; the relationship or situation is. If your date ends things, it’s because something about the connection wasn’t working for them, rather than something purely based on you. It can also be useful to remember that rejection is never entirely personal, it’s often reflective of key needs or wants that aren’t being met within a mutual dynamic.
Rejection on dating apps
When it comes to dating apps, we have to remember that we are literally being judged for the information we’re presenting on there. Every swipe left is technically a ‘rejection’, so before we dive in, we need to think about how well equipped we are to deal with that.
Dr Nicole Nasr, Counselling Psychologist & Clinical Associate at Harrison Psychology Group, London says “It’s important to acknowledge that putting yourself on a dating app means that rejection is inevitable, as your profile is all you have to attract someone's attention in seconds.”
If you don’t sell yourself in a way that the other person responds to, you will be subject to rejection – and that’s OK.
Why rejection hurts
“The most important thing is to be aware whether you’re in a good enough place to be able to tolerate these kinds of things,” says Dr Nasr. If you’re aware that you already have some self-esteem issues, then it could be worth waiting until you’ve started to build yourself up, before dating.
Low self-esteem, patterns of being badly affected by romantic rejection and past traumas relating to attachment styles can make the negative feelings of a romantic rejection stick around for longer.
“We’re social animals,” says Dr Nasr. “Romantic rejection is usually based on the fact that you have opened yourself up, whether mentally, or physically by having sex with someone, and it’s a very intimate interaction. All we want is to belong and be loved, which is natural. So whenever someone presents as not wanting us to belong in their circle, or not wanting us to be a part of their love, it hurts.”
How to deal with rejection
But many people can weather the emotional blow of rejection and recover from it without too much difficulty. Individual factors such as resilience, social support, and self-esteem can play an important part in the ability to cope with rejection.
It’s important to remember that rejection also helps you avoid wasting precious months in the wrong relationships. Rejection is part of the process that leads us towards what we’re looking for. So, in reality, romantic rejections are road signs and redirections set up to help you achieve your relationship goals – they’re not a reflection of your worth.
The ultimate key to not feeling like your whole self is being rejected is to work on finding out, on a really deep level, who you are. And to also identify what you stand for and whether you live your life aligned to your values. Do you believe in yourself? What do you need to do to build more self-esteem? Going on a journey of self-discovery will help you know so much about yourself that your worth is never in question.
Dr Nasr has some final tips for dealing with rejection. “Allow yourself to be ready to be rejected. Ask yourself how you might feel if you were rejected. Your honest responses to that will show you true resilience levels.”
So remember that while the pain of rejection might linger a while, the odds are that there will be someone out there who’ll be ready and able to have the kind of relationship that you’re looking for.
