Written by Almara Abgarian
“What are you looking for?”
Although seemingly harmless, when it comes to dating, this is a loaded question – and there’s rarely a good answer. Say “relationship” and you risk scaring off a prospective match, but say “not sure” and it could lead to confusion and heartbreak down the line.
In 2021, honesty is the best policy – as it appears no one has time to waste.
A new study by Badoo has revealed that the UK has become a nation of truth-tellers with 72% of participants more upfront about who they are and what they want from a partner post-Covid. Meanwhile, 69% of people are done playing games and 75% are conscious of not wasting time with someone they’re not compatible with. There’s actually a phrase for this nifty development: honesty bombing.
The dating trend, coined by Badoo, is potentially a very effective method to weeding out the ‘bad eggs’. Just be honest and upfront – both with others and yourself. Who knew dating could be so easy, right? (Hint: it’s not). Let’s take a look at the pros and cons of honesty bombing, and hear from the people who have experienced it.
Ed*, 29, from Kent, has been eager for lockdown restrictions to lift because the last year has made him realise that he’s ready for a relationship.
“Lockdown has made me realise how much I want a girlfriend,” Ed said. “But it’s not really working out so far. I was set to have a date with someone this week and she bailed at the last minute. She said I wasn’t communicating enough and it had led to ‘lost momentum’. I was really surprised by it. Another girl I was talking to was pretty clear about the fact she was after sex and the honesty was really refreshing.”
Ed is currently talking to several women, with the aim to lock in dates and hopefully meet someone sooner rather than later.
There’s nothing wrong with dating multiple people – in fact, 61% of survey participants said they would do so too in order to maximise their chances of meeting someone – but here are some ground rules.
- Be careful and, at the risk of sounding repetitive, be honest.
- Don’t lead others on and if you’re having sex with more than one person, tell your date before you meet up so that you’re not risking their health.
On the positive side, honesty bombing cuts out ambiguity in dating, even though it can at times feel harsh.
Kav, 32, from London had an honesty bombing experience in 2020, which has since spurred her on to be clearer with what she wants from a future partner – another tick in the pro column.
“I definitely feel people are being more honest about what they want in dating and in the future post-pandemic,” she said.
"During lockdown, we all had time for self-reflection and to work on ourselves. Pre-pandemic, I didn't really know what I wanted and most of my relationships lasted a few months before fizzling. I met someone wonderful last year and we had a little lockdown romance, but for the first time I was very upfront about what I want – a family – and that's not what he wanted, so we decided to break up."
"It was one of the most thoughtful and grown-up breakups I've ever had. I don't feel like I've lost a year of dating because I've been learning about myself in that time and I definitely needed that.”
Kav isn’t alone in tackling tough topics head-on – 23% of survey participants were keen to ‘vet’ their match by asking about children and marriage on the first date. This is both a pro and a con – because dating is rarely so black and white.
Yes, we should ask the tough questions, but give yourself time to get to know your match too. An easy way to avoid the issue from the get-go is to set your preference to ‘wants kids’ on your profile.
Other topics that are especially important for singles this year include vaccines and mental health, with 23% and 33% of participants respectively happy to discuss this on a first date.
Julie, 25, has been dating sporadically throughout the pandemic. She doesn’t believe that people are being more or less honest, but says the past year has still changed how she approaches dating.
“I’ve been lied to a lot of times by dates who pretend that they want what I want,” she said. "I don’t think people are more honest, however, my own expectations have changed. By telling my date what I want, then at least I’ve done what I can to protect myself and I’m no longer assuming what they’re after. I’m more straight-forward now.”
Honesty bombing looks easy enough on the surface. But the difficulty with being completely honest from the get-go is that not everyone knows what they want – and so they can’t make their intentions clear.
“I've definitely enjoyed having time to myself and realising how fine I am in my own company,” said Amira, 27, from London.
“In terms of being honest and upfront, no one I'm chatting to right now has gone straight in about what they want – I don't know if that's good or bad. I personally probably wouldn't bring up 'what I'm looking for' until after the second date, when I know I'm fully interested. That being said, I don't think I'd go on actual dates with someone if I wasn't interested in it leading to something serious.”
Bear in mind, people want to put their best self forward in order to be appealing to future partners (or hook-ups) and that could be the reason for vague conversations. Maybe they’re newly single and finding their feet, struggling in their personal life and want to settle down but aren’t ready, or mending a broken heart.
Overall, however, an extra dose of honesty could make dating easier, quicker and better – and who wouldn’t want that?
So, it’s time to answer that loaded question: what are you looking for?
