We’re all familiar with the term imposter syndrome – when someone believes they’re inadequate and has an internalised fear of being exposed as a fraud as a result. It’s common in work contexts: when no matter how skilled we are, we believe we don’t deserve a job, but it can also affect our dating lives. Sometimes, we feel like we’re less attractive or less successful than the person we’re seeing, so we hold back from showing who we really are or convince ourselves we’re not worthy of their attention. That’s when the trouble starts – because if we’re not honest from the beginning, it sets us off on completely the wrong foot (and only makes the imposter syndrome worse).
Dating imposter syndrome can manifest through us stretching the truth, embellishing our achievements, or outright lying to make ourselves seem ‘better.’ It might be as minor as pretending we’re at a higher level in our career than we really are, or enthusiastically agreeing with a date’s opinion when we don’t feel the same. Being 100% ourselves, especially on a first date, can be terrifying, but being open and honest about where we’re at in life allows trust to grow and the other person to get to know the real us. Read on for our top tips on tackling dating imposter syndrome.
1. Dating imposter syndrome is totally normal
First and foremost, don’t beat yourself up for feeling this way. It’s natural to feel nervous when dating someone new or beginning a relationship. Imposter syndrome stems from insecurities, which we all have – and feeling it doesn’t make you weird. What helps is making sure the person you’re hooking up with or dating is someone who makes you feel good about yourself. It’ll take time for your confidence to grow, but eventually, you’ll be able to be yourself without any fear. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself and remember that we all experience self-doubt.
2. Share a story that prompts honest conversation
We’re not suggesting you drop your biggest secret on your first date with someone new, but opening up about something personal provides the opportunity to build intimacy and mutual understanding. If you’re having a war with your housemates over who’s turn it is to take the bins out, mention that. Or if you’ve been put on furlough and you’re feeling worried, have a chat with your date about it. Our lives are never going to be 100% positive, and we’re all a work in progress. Allowing the other person to see that you’re a real person with struggles will probably encourage them to do the same – and it’ll help quieten the voice in your head that tells you they’re perfect and you don’t deserve them.
3. Try not to compare yourself to their ex
Confession time: we all look up our new flame’s ex on social media. It’s a bit weird and can feel like you’re on the wrong side of a Bond mission, but it’s totally normal. What’s not cool is when we start to compare ourselves and feel bad as a result. Dating imposter syndrome can show up through thoughts like: “Their ex was so hot, why would they be interested in me?”, so try and challenge irrational thoughts like this by listing the reasons why they might, in fact, actually like you. Are you a kind person? Do you have a talent for hilarious impressions? Say it out loud and remind yourself why you’re amazing when you need to.
4. Nope, you're not telepathic
People with dating imposter syndrome often assume that they know what other people are thinking. When we feel insecure about an aspect of ourselves, we might believe that the person we’re dating also holds that view – but it’s simply not true. Acknowledging irrational thought patterns is the starting point for unlearning the things your inner-imposter is telling you. A thought can simply be a thought, it’s not necessarily fact. Practice recognising that, and reciting positive affirmations to replace your negative perceptions of yourself.
5. Practice self-compassion
Imposter syndrome feeds off low self-esteem, so try and combat this by improving your relationship with yourself. You can boost your confidence in whatever way works best for you: try writing out mood-boosting phrases to read every morning, surround yourself with friends who hype you up, or take time to do one nice thing for yourself every day. If you can afford to and you’re seriously struggling with imposter syndrome, why not get a helping hand from a therapist? Be kind to yourself and know that you’re not the only person who feels this way.
6. Talk to the person you’re dating
So much of dating imposter syndrome happens in our own heads. If you’ve been dating someone for enough time to feel comfortable raising the subject, tell them about your worries. Allow them space to explain how they feel and comfort you. It’s worth noting, we’re not advocating for seeking reassurance from your partner constantly – once they’ve told you how they feel, it’s time to listen and accept what they say. If you find that their reassurance isn’t enough, then you might have a bit more work to do, and that’s ok.
It’s totally normal to have insecurities, but it’s important to recognise when they’re negatively affecting our relationships with others (and ourselves). The chances are that your date probably feels exactly the same – you're a catch! And if all else fails, recite the following words from Lizzo every day until you start to believe it: "No, I’m not a snack at all, look, baby, I’m the whole damn meal."
