You probably know the feeling: you’re sitting on the sofa with the person you’re dating, when they turn their head and give you that look. You know what it means: come here. You’re up for it, you shimmy closer, they run their hands over your body, you’re excited about what’s going to happen. Then suddenly out of nowhere, a negative thought enters your head. “Oof, they’re touching my tummy,” or “Oh God, they’re going to feel the back of my arms.” The thought zaps like an electric current, sending shockwaves of self-doubt through your body. Negative thoughts about our appearance are normal, but they are absolutely not fun. And they shouldn’t ruin your sex life.
Most of us will be affected by negative body image at some point in our lives – some more than others. In a 2019 YouGov survey in association with Mental Health Foundation, 1 in 5 adults in the UK said they felt shame because of their body image. We’ve been taught from an incredibly young age that our appearance is the most important part of us, but that’s simply not the case. What is important though, is treating yourself with compassion. It’s completely normal to have down days and not feel yourself 100% of the time, but when it begins to stop you from doing things you enjoy, like having brilliant sex free from self-doubt, you might need a little reminder of how to cope. Here are our top tips for combatting negative body image when it comes to sex.
1. Try mindful sex
When we have a negative view of our body, we’ll often focus our attention during sex on what we look like, rather than our pleasure. We might inwardly criticise ourselves, or avoid certain positions for fear of looking ‘bad.’ Rather than thinking about the way your body looks, try and switch your attention to each sensation and how it feels. For example, swap out “they’re going to notice the cellulite on my thigh” with “it feels great when they graze their fingers across my skin.” Focus on your breathing, your partner’s movements, and the pleasurable sensations you’re feeling, and hopefully, your inner critic will take the hint.
2. Don’t feel like you have to perform
Porn teaches us to think about sex in a very specific way: no one has body hair, every movement is effortless, and everyone climaxes at the same time. It’s a paint by numbers version of sex, without the knocking of heads when you switch positions, the noises that make you crease with laughter and the less glossy bits like legging it to the bathroom when you’ve finished. It can make you believe you have to posture and perform like the actors, but there’s a reason that porn is popular: it’s a fantasy. Unlike watching a movie, when we’re able to suspend reality and enjoy the storyline for what it is, porn has a way of getting in our heads. Not every position is going to be aesthetically pleasing, but who cares when it feels good? Challenge the notions of what your body is meant to look like during sex by having fun doing some solo-exploration, masturbating in different positions. Notice what feels good, and how it doesn’t necessarily mirror what you see on screen.
3. Follow people on social media who look like you
Let’s be honest, we all spend a bit too much time scrolling on our phones. We know it’s not healthy, but when boredom hits and Instagram is waiting, it’s hard to resist. Filling our feeds solely with glamorous models who look nothing like us probably isn’t going to help our body image (unless you have fantastic self-confidence, in which case props to you). Curating our feeds is a very simple way to make a difference to our body confidence. By following influencers and body-positive activists who focus on sensuality, regardless of size, weight, gender, sexuality, or race, we’re re-tuning our brains and slowly shifting what we define as sexy.
4. Remember the person you’re in bed with wants to be there
In the throes of passion, you want to feel sexy, appreciated, and desired, but when your body image isn’t tip-top, it can be easy to question your worthiness. Instead of focusing on your insecurities, try and remind yourself that the person, or people, you’re sleeping with want to be there just as much as you do. We all know that enthusiastic consent is mandatory, so provided that you’ve got that – you’re set. In the same way you desire whoever you’re having sex with, try to remember that they want you just as much.
5. Know that all bodies are hot
Bodies fluctuate in shape and size: it’s natural. We’ve been locked in our houses for the most part of this year, and while some people used this time as an opportunity to get into home workouts, many others were focused on surviving. Our bodies probably don’t look the same as they did this time last year, and that’s totally ok. You’re not any less sexy because your old jeans don’t button, or because you have slightly fewer curves. You’re always worthy of appreciation, from yourself and others, and all bodies can be sexy.
When our body confidence is low, it’s easy to feel like we’re the only ones in the world who feel crap about themselves. The truth is, self-confidence is a muscle; something we all need to flex and strengthen from time to time. There will always be times when we feel a little less sexy, but that doesn’t mean that’s the truth. Remember that you’re fabulous, whatever you look like – and you deserve to have mind-blowing sex.