Written by Rosie Wilby
My most painful breakup happened during the unfurling moments of 2011. Just as the vapour trails of the New Year fireworks faded, my girlfriend of five years dumped me by email. It seemed so cold of her to sever the connection without a face-to-face post-mortem. ‘What the hell just happened?’ I wondered as I nursed by bruised ego, our favourite swoony songs ringing in my ears in a distorted, howling remix. I was a wobbly mess of insecurity and anxiety, plagued by so many nagging questions. Had our entire relationship been a lie? Did she never really love me? Had she met someone else?
I joked at the time that I felt much better after correcting her spelling and punctuation. Ha! But in reality I spent the entirety of the next five years obsessively trying to solve the mystery of what had gone wrong. Yes, that’s right. It took me the equivalent of the entire duration of the relationship to truly find my feet again. This seems a far cry from the apparent recovery rates of a group of US college students who took part in a 2007 study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology. A significant number of them reported increased positive emotions, including empowerment, confidence and happiness, a mere eleven weeks after a breakup.
So while it might be comforting to believe that there’s a formula or template for getting over someone, I feel that creating ‘rules’ around something as personal as healing from a breakup can be misleading or even toxic. There’s nothing worse than feeling like you’ve failed at your relationship and then, on top of that, thinking that you’ve somehow failed at bouncing back within a ‘normal’ timeframe. We are all on our own individual journey. And sometimes there’s a lot to put back together. Time does help. But sometimes we go backwards too.
In 1969, the Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross became famous for her theory of the five stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Although she was writing about the emotions experienced by terminally ill patients, the model became widely viewed as a template for all forms of personal loss. Yet later in her life, Kübler-Ross expressed regret at documenting the stages in what was interpreted to be a linear and predictable pattern. Heartbreak is a peculiar chaos that can trigger other traumatic memories. Because of this, our responses can sometimes appear to be disproportionate to the duration or apparent significance of a relationship.
Another of my more painful experiences of rejection came after a fleeting casual fling. I only had a couple of casual dates with this particular woman but was still thinking about our near miss several years later. My friend Sarah tells me about a similar experience. She had a magical date with a guy culminating in an incredible kiss against the wall, frenzied text flirting and a feeling from her toes to her heart that he was ‘the one’. But then came a second date... and the atmosphere abruptly changed. When tantalisingly promising dating opportunities are cut short like this, they leave us wistfully daydreaming about a possible future that can never be. It’s as if we are frozen in a romantic limbo where we never get to live out the humdrum reality of an actual relationship with the person. All their more annoying habits never get revealed. So they remain perfect. All our hopes are attached to them. How can anyone else ever compare?
According to the ‘rules’ of breakups, surely we should move on quickly from someone who we only spend such a short amount of time with? But it’s not so simple. Psychologist and podcaster Kimberley Wilson tells me that our brains are not interested in rules and will just respond to what’s most relevant to you: “So it’s really about the quality of that interaction and the level of emotional investment. What is it about this person? What did they awaken in you? Who did they remind you of?”
So, however long or short our relationship was, what positive steps can we try to put in place to be kind to ourselves and give ourselves the best chance of recovering when it ends? Physiological responses to the stress hormones released during periods of emotional distress include lethargy, loss of appetite and interrupted sleep. But, hard as it is, it’s a good idea to try to stick to some kind of routine and plan activities that will produce some of the happy chemicals that were once triggered by seeing our lover. Exercise, dancing, singing and laughing with friends can all help. And if you have pets, then stroking and cuddling them will release the ‘love hormone,’ oxytocin, which is typically associated with warm, fuzzy feelings. For me, channelling my sadness and confusion into creativity was ultimately a way to navigate through the perilous terrain of heartbreak. Writing and speaking about my journey, sharing that story with other people and having it heard and understood provided me with the building blocks to regain confidence and start dating again.
When you do feel ready to get out there again, it’s important not to rush and to remember that you have options. You don’t have to run headlong into the first relationship opportunity that presents itself. Being single is a valid choice. There’s way less stigma around singledom than there was in previous decades. Author and podcaster Francesca Specter has recently coined the word ‘alonement’ in order to reclaim solo time as a joyful thing, a million miles away from loneliness. Our times spent single are the times that we can really get to know ourselves. And that’s pretty useful knowledge to take into a new relationship when the time is right.
During lockdown, all of our relationships have been under more pressure than ever. Breakup rates have surged. But, in time, that breakup might provide you with an opportunity for growth. Although it took me years to regain my equilibrium after that big New Year heartbreak, I eventually met someone kind, funny and gorgeous that I have agreed to marry. Now that’s something I never thought I would hear myself say! But perhaps even more importantly... I know now that, even if it didn’t work out, I could survive. And I’ve found my own ‘rules’ for doing that.
Rosie Wilby is the host of The Breakup Monologues podcast and author of the book Is Monogamy Dead?