Written by anonymous

Welcome to cuffing season: a time when some of your friends shack up with fellow singles for the colder weather, just to have the security of a relationship and a regular snuggle. Usually, these people get uncuffed just in time, conveniently, for a summer of fun.

Perhaps that sounds cynical, but unless you’re engaging in consensual kink, no relationship should ever leave you feeling ‘cuffed’.

So even if your mates are down for it this winter, you don’t have to be – you can embrace Nuffing Season instead, the idea that there’s no extra pressure around dating this winter, and you should really just continue dating as you want to.

It can be hard though, to not bow to the pressure when it feels like everyone else around you is getting together, or if you usually do couple up come winter. But I, for one, won’t be getting involved in cuffing this year, so why don’t we face this dilemma in modern dating together?

There’s nothing wrong with finding love now, but that’s not what cuffing is about. ‘Cuffed’ when defined is about ownership, restrain and being stuck. These aren’t exactly the hallmarks of a healthy relationship. The other issue with cuffing is it happens very quickly by nature, which is why you get locked into something semi-serious without much time to reflect on whether you really do want in on this journey.

It’s a common experience, which is shown in how popular and widely known the term is; ‘cuffing season’ was shortlisted for word of the year by the Collins dictionary in 2017, and over on Urban Dictionary its definition has been updated here and there over the years. As of now, they say: ‘The cold season when everyone’s coupling up, so you settle for a new bf/gf way below your standards. ~Or~ you’re one of the smart ones who cosies up w/ Coors Light and your pupper BFF.’

Let’s be the smart ones.

While it might be comforting to rush and run towards the security blanket of a new relationship, it’s going to serve you better to date as you normally would. So, if you only date once a month, keep it that way. There’s no race to find what I’m calling a ‘winter partner’.

As a happily single person, I’ve never been with someone at the start of cuffing season. In previous years I’d look on as others managed to find someone by November, marvelling at how they did it so fast. I’ve managed a couple of times to get someone in my life come January, but as with most relationships born out of cuffing, I found myself single and heartbroken come summer – the time of year that society says you should be carefree (more on that social pressure another time). Sure, it was nice to have someone in my life as the days grew frostier and shorter, but was it worth settling for someone that never should have advanced to ‘partner’ in my life? Categorically: no. But we live and we learn.

So, this year I’m doing it differently. I’ll still go on dates, but I won’t be hoping for someone miraculous to appear before me. I’ll feel more confident in trusting my gut if someone isn’t quite the person I’d want to be in a relationship with. And most importantly, I’ll enjoy ‘dates’ with myself and my friends. This way, I’m going to avoid forcing things to work with potentially damaging people, grow independently, have more time for myself, and more money to spend on days out with friends and family (over takeaways in with someone I’ll ‘grow to love’). Honestly, letting go of the sadness that can come with being single around Christmas has felt empowering. Nuffing Season is the movement I’m embracing.

Feeling less taken by the idea of getting cuffed? I hope so. Here’s a new hurdle to get over: while dating, you might come across someone you like who likes you too. They however might be looking to hurry the relationship along and get cuffed. It’s important you work at your own timings. When you like someone it’s understandable to feel as though you need to bend a little to go at their pace, for fear of running the risk of losing their interest. But the truth is, someone that’s really into you will be willing to slow down and nurture the relationship if that’s what you communicate you need. Maybe they also want it to go slower but feel the external pressure we’re all facing to couple up. Speaking up will be met with one of two outcomes: either they’ll breathe a sigh of relief, and you’ll resume at a pace that works for you both or, they’ll jump ship (a blessing in disguise, because this way you get out before the feelings intensify).

And I get it, we all want someone to look at Christmas lights with. Winter is a trigger point for many people who are unhappy being single – it’s completely normal to have these moments, even if most of the time you’re happy. The key is to not pressure yourself to find someone to fill a void because the chances are when putting yourself in this stressful place, you won’t make the best choices for the long run. Believe me, I’ve been there.

So go easy on yourself this year. Embrace Nuffing Season, keep dating as you would, keep having fun, and keep doing what feels right to you. I plan on being in the moment in early dates, focusing less on ‘where is this going?’ and more on ‘am I having fun?’. Taking this low-pressure approach on a date just last week meant I had an amazing time with someone unexpected, and now have a second date lined up. Had I gone in looking for a set outcome, I’d have potentially left disappointed, upset, and disconnected, given that my frame of mind wouldn’t have been relaxed enough. Fixating on being in a relationship by a certain date won’t make the process of getting there any easier, nor will it necessarily live up to expectations.

While diamonds are formed under immense pressure, relationships worth having are not.