Written by Mariya Tyumerina
No matter how many Hollywood films tell us that true love can overcome any obstacle, we know reality looks a little different. Even the healthiest relationships have their ups and downs, and usually lead to one of two outcomes: unconditional love and acceptance of a partner ("and they lived happily ever after") or natural separation. However, in some cases, couples choose a third option – they put an end to their love story, but agree to remain friends. Or at least they try to.
The desire to maintain a friendship with a former lover is natural from a psychological point of view. "A breakup can be more painful than a bereavement," says relationship expert Miles Pulver. “When someone has died, they are gone forever, whereas with an ex, they’re still alive and may be with someone else. You have to grieve the loss and watch them move on without you.” This kind of stress, mixed with a fear of loneliness, is very difficult to deal with. Plus, as Pulver explains, “we have an attachment system within us, which means we [try to] stay close to people and resist [separation]."
Examples of friendships with former partners can be found among celebrities: actress Gwyneth Paltrow and musician Chris Martin claim that after their mutual separation, they "became closer than ever." They introduce each other to new partners and sometimes even travel together. Irina Shayk and Bradley Cooper also decided to remain friends after separating, for the sake of their daughter, raising her together and holding family lunches.
“There’s nothing wrong with remaining friends with an ex under certain circumstances,” says relationship expert Jonathan Bennett. "In fact, considering that many breakups are filled with drama, remaining on friendly terms can be a sign of maturity." However, this doesn’t mean that staying friends will be the right thing for all exes: “If feelings remain or are unresolved, then it could just be a gateway back to the old relationship” he adds. "Many people remain friends with exes because they hope there will be another chance to date that person." Such partners risk falling into an on-again, off-again style of relationship, which can be much more traumatic than the initial breakup.
When should you NOT be friends with an ex?
Rachel Sussman, psychotherapist and author of The Parting Bible, stresses that if the relationship itself was unhealthy (if it was toxic, manipulative, or abusive), then all contact should be cut off. A friendship under these circumstances is likely to be filled with manipulation and arguments. After all, if a person is characterised by certain patterns of behaviour, then they’ll reproduce them in any relationship - whether it’s romantic or friendly.
It can be tricky to maintain a friendship with an ex if you weren’t friends before you dated. “If you had a really strong connection with a very erotic sex life, how do you become friends with that person? says Sussman. "Chemistry doesn’t always change." If you’re in this situation and decide to keep up communication with your ex, chances are you’ll find yourself in bed with them again. Before this happens, you should honestly ask yourself: are you OK with being friends with benefits? Are you ready to let go of your ex when they meet someone else?
And, finally, a serious roadblock to genuine friendship with an ex is when too little time has passed since the breakup. According to Susan Elliott, author of How to Overcome a Breakup, it’s worth taking a six-month time-out before resuming communication (the amount of time may vary depending on the seriousness of the relationship and how it ended). “You need time to re-enter the world as a single person,” she explains.
After a relationship ends, you’re often emotionally vulnerable. So before you think about starting a friendship with an ex, it’s worth making sure that you stand firmly on your own two feet. According to a study published in 2013, “breakup distress can act as a catalyst for personal growth,” and not processing your emotions can inhibit development. Allow yourself time and space to heal.
When is being friends with an ex a good idea?
Most psychologists agree that having children together is a great reason to try to maintain a good relationship with your former partner. If the well-being of the child is the main priority for both of you, then there shouldn’t be any problems with the friendship. Partners whose romantic relationship was short and/or initially grew out of friendship also have a good chance of continuing communication in this new format.
In general, there are three main things that indicate whether you can be friends with your ex: honesty, lack of unresolved conflicts, and respect for personal boundaries. For exes to be friends, both parties should realise that the romantic relationship has run its course and that there’s no point returning to it. You can then become friends because you trust each other and share common interests, rather than because you’re dependent on the past connection.
But can it really work? We spoke to three bloggers, who told us their honest experience of trying to stay friends with an ex.
Katya Butko, an entrepreneur and blogger
“My former boyfriend was American. I wanted to get a visa and move to be with him, but it was impossible. After six months of virtual communication, we realised that the long-distance relationship wasn’t working. Each of us wanted to live our own lives, but we were very close, so we decided to remain friends. Now, four years have passed (which is much longer than the time we were together) and we still understand and support each other. I’m very glad that he’s part of my life.”
Maya Klugman, telegram author of the Eat Girl Moscow channel:
"My longest relationship lasted 3.5 years and was very emotionally charged. It all started as a meeting of two soulmates, from the first to the last day it was fun and interesting. We were very similar and understood each other. But we were attracted to each other not only because of our sense of humour, but also because we shared similar trauma. Our experiences matched perfectly like pieces of a puzzle, pulling us into a neurotic and codependent relationship that I was only able to get out of when I was in therapy.
In my opinion, the way we act corresponds to our level of development. I don’t blame myself or my partner for the things that happened in our relationship - we simply didn’t know how to stop repeating the learned patterns of behaviour. We hurt each other and suffered because of it. Despite the fact that there were many good parts of our relationship, and they greatly influenced me and my life, I still regard leaving it as one of my greatest achievements. Only after six months of therapy, with work and forming my own independence and identity, did I finally manage to get out of the endless cycle of breaking up and making up.
I was the initiator of the breakup, so it was a little easier for me, and I wanted us to remain friends (which is actually pretty cruel towards the other side, but at that time I didn’t fully understand that). We tried to be friends: I slowly got to my feet and learned, like a child, to live independently, and my former partner even helped me with this. It seemed to me that I had kept an important person in my life in the form of a friend.
However, six months later, when my ex-partner realised that I was definitely not going to return to him, he abruptly cut off communication with me. Unfortunately, at the time I couldn’t accept his decision and continued my selfish and manipulative attempts to “make friends”. We began to talk, but out of habit, we started arguing again. I hadn’t worked on myself enough, and he didn't go to therapy, so nothing good could come out of this communication. As a result, there was a massive argument and final break-up.
Until that moment, I still thought that the world was “ours.” We had mutual friends and a shared interest in a project he was involved in but which I helped develop. And suddenly I lost it all overnight. I had no choice but to build myself up again from scratch. I was overwhelmed with anger, resentment and even hatred. I saw everything that happened from my position of 'the offended girl,' concentrating exclusively on the shortcomings of my ex and blaming him for everything. Only a year and a half after our separation, after digging into my past with therapy, did I manage to reach a very painful discovery - no one had ever hurt me. I myself was a monster – selfish, cruel, terribly manipulative, distorting reality and torturing another person (albeit unconsciously). It was unbearable to see my real self and cast aside my comfortable idea of being the victim.
Now, my ex and I don’t talk, but there is no resentment in this (at least for me). I remember our relationship with great warmth and gratitude, and there are echoes of the time we had together in my present life: his habits, jokes and interests are still reflected in myself.
I wrote him a letter where I asked for forgiveness, but he never answered it. Even so, I felt relief. After all, letters like this aren’t written for an answer, they’re written for yourself. The most important work always takes place inside us: other people and events only help us in studying and working out ourselves."
Liza Mikhaleva, a creator and DJ:
"My ex-partner and I were just friends for a year, and then accidentally fell in love and started dating. It was the healthiest relationship in my life. He’s one of the best people I’ve met. I admire his openness - there was not a single thing that we couldn’t discuss or resolve. And with him I could be real myself. I loved how unexpectedly he complimented me and how I grew up with him as a person. For almost a year and a half of our relationship, we never argued.
But suddenly a pandemic began. He stayed in England, and I returned to Russia. It was as if we lived in parallel universes: while my partner spent all his time at home, I found a new job, moved to the centre of Moscow, grew up as a DJ and created a queer party. In the last few months, I’d been working so hard, I didn’t even have enough time to talk to my parents. Let alone phone a partner who was three time zones away.
It became difficult to maintain communication and the date of our reunion was constantly being postponed. During therapy, I realised that my priorities had changed: work and self-development in Moscow became more important. Healthy communication has always been the highlight of our relationship, so I decided to share my honest thoughts with my partner. I was afraid of losing him, so I put off this difficult conversation for a long time. When I told him, I had no thoughts about breaking up – I hoped we could find a solution as usual or maybe take a break. But after listening to me, my partner said that we should break up. He thought it would be too hard for both of us to stay together - I would feel obligated to communicate with him (and guilty if I didn’t), and he would be uncomfortable with it.
We agreed that we didn’t want to go down the path of blocking each other on social networks, and not being able to contact each other. I said that I was ready to continue communication, but my ex-partner outlined his boundaries and said that for now, he can’t be my best friend. He needs time. Despite this, we agreed that we can write to each other occasionally. It was difficult to imagine the end of our relationship differently. Once again I was convinced that we value each other very much, we are always ready to provide support and listen.
I don't know what will happen next. We’re not excluding the possibility of getting back together, changing the dynamics of our relationship or pursuing a friendship. Everything will depend on further communication and, most importantly, the upcoming meeting between us."
