Written by Almaz Ohene

‘Ghosting’ someone, rather than letting them know that the connection is no longer working, can be really common in dating. You probably didn’t set out to ghost, right? You probably just wanted to try to avoid an awkward conversation. Or thought it would be kinder not to explain why you rejected them. Maybe you were embarrassed. Maybe you were a little lazy, or just simply moved on and forgot. But to help foster a more open and authentic dating culture, we should strive to offer each other clarity when ending things.

When things aren’t going well with a match and you feel like you need to end things, ghosting isn’t the only option. Here are some texts templates that you can send instead of ghosting:

Situation #1 – You're just not that into it

For whatever reason, you don’t see things progressing.

What you could say instead of ghosting:

“I really enjoyed chatting and you seem like a great person, but to be honest I don’t see this as a match. Good luck on your dating journey!”

Or

“Hey [name]! Thanks so much for coming out last night, it was great to meet you, but I don’t see this progressing. Wishing you the best!”

Situation #2 – Best intentions

You’ve had a great time on your first couple of dates, but they didn’t do it for you. If you feel it’s time to shift the relationship to a more platonic vibe, be friendly but clear about how you’d like to change things up.

What you could say instead of ghosting:

“Hi [name]. I’ve been having fun with you, but I want to be upfront in that I don’t feel much chemistry between us and I’m seeing us more as friends. Does that work for you?”

Or

Hey! So, our time together has been a lot of fun, but I don’t think we have enough shared interests to take this further. I’ve got some great memories from our dates and am glad to have met you. Take care [name]!

Situation #3 – The non-communicator

You like them, but you need to be explicit about the situation. Maybe you’re always the one initiating contact without your date reciprocating much. If this sounds like a pattern that you’re experiencing, then it’s worth pausing and finding out whether they’re actually into engaging with you or not. Be clear and concise, state your needs, and don’t over-anticipate their answer.

 

What you could say instead of ghosting:

“Hey there! I really like you but [clear reason] isn’t working for me. What I would prefer is [your needs]. What do you think?”

Or

“Hey, I’m just checking in to see if you’re OK as I’ve been expecting you to respond to at least some of my messages. It would be great if you could let me know in the next day or two, if not then we’ll have to leave things at that.”

Situation #4 – The breakup

It’s been real, but things have happened which means it’s now time to say goodbye. If you’ve been seeing someone for a while, and they’ve behaved well, ideally the breakup wouldn’t be done over text. But if it has to be, keep it sincere, simple and empathetic.

What you could say instead of ghosting:

“[name], it’s been so great seeing you, but because of [real and honest reason], I don’t think we can keep seeing each other. Take care!”

Or

“[name], since [real and honest situation/experience] I’ve been thinking about us. Because of [name dating non-negotiable] I don’t think we can continue down this path. Wishing you all the best!”

Situation #5 – The breakup: this time it's bad

They’ve done something inexcusable, and they need to know. 

What you could say instead of ghosting:

“Hey, [describe the thing they did to you] really hurt me. I don’t think we should see each other anymore. I just wanted you to know for the sake of future relationships. I’m sorry it has to end like this.”

Or

“This isn’t going to work out, [name]. When we matched, I was under the impression that [name dating non-negotiable]. This hasn’t been respected so I can’t be in this anymore. Take care [name].”

Situation #6 – The red flag

Alarm bells rang after one date/interaction. 

What you could say instead of ghosting:

If someone doesn’t respect or repeatedly crosses any of the boundaries that you’ve set with them, this is a red flag and should give you an insight into how the relationship might look in the future. If they’re not willing to respect your boundaries now, think about what that might mean for you in the future.

If someone is making you feel unsafe, and/or is exhibiting problematic behaviour, you can always block and report them. Remember –you don’t owe your match an explanation as to why you have specific boundaries.

Final tips

The idea that it’s OK to completely halt all communication with someone simply because it’s easier needs to be phased out altogether. Instead, let’s make a deliberate choice to prioritise our own boundaries while being respectful. If we view the relationships we build with our matches as collaborative and reciprocal, then that authentic connection involves the hard conversations, too.