Sometimes, the thing standing between us and a happy relationship is...well, ourselves. Self-sabotaging behaviour in relationships is incredibly common, and often we don’t even notice when we’re doing it. If you’re someone who regularly talks yourself out of being with a partner, or who breaks things off after one or two minor inconveniences, then you might be self-sabotaging your own happiness. There are myriad reasons we might do this, but the important thing to note is that this self-destructive behaviour can be unlearnt, once we finally take a look inward and work out what’s really going on. We spoke to Talitha Fosh, a member of the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy, to learn more about the reasons we self-sabotage relationships, and crucially – how to stop.
What does self-sabotage look like in relationships?
Self-sabotage in relationships can take many forms. If we believe that our partner doesn’t like us enough, or that we’re not worthy of their affection, we might create arguments or pull away so we don’t have to feel the pain of rejection that we believe is inevitably coming.
“Self-sabotage is often accompanied by drama. We create drama which eventually pushes our partner away so that we can then say ‘See, I told you so’, which affirms our negative self-beliefs,” says Talitha.
On the flip side, some of us might self-sabotage our relationship if we’re afraid of commitment. If we’re used to an independent lifestyle, we might cut things off over fear that our relationship will mean less freedom, rather than communicating our needs to our partner.
“Another sign that we may be sabotaging our relationship is when we act on impulse,” says Talitha. “When we react to something strongly, it’s important to pause. Take a moment and ask if this feeling/reaction is historical. The expression goes, ‘if it’s hysterical, it’s historical.’ If your partner does something that you react strongly to, I'd suggest taking a moment before responding to them.”
Why do we self-sabotage relationships?
“The main reason we self-sabotage relationships is to do with our self-worth and what we believe about ourselves,” says Talitha. “If our core beliefs revolve around not believing we deserve to be happy or loved, when we find ourselves in a relationship that’s going well, we will subconsciously start to self-sabotage as we don't believe we deserve it. We would rather be right than happy. This means that even if our relationship is loving and healthy, the beliefs we have held onto for so long take charge.”
Some experts also believe that our attachment style has a role to play in self-sabotaging relationships. “Having an anxious attachment style or avoidant attachment style can create sabotage in a healthy relationship,” says Rachel Eva Dew. Those of us with an anxious attachment style are more likely to fear rejection and abandonment, so may try to cut ties before our partner does. Those of us with an avoidant attachment style are more likely to avoid intimacy and closeness because we’re used to being self-sufficient.
“The way we behave might differ, but at the end of the day, if we have low self-worth and are used to self-loathing behaviours, then this means we’re more likely to sabotage things that are good for us or that make us happy,” says Talitha.
How do we stop self-sabotaging relationships?
The first step in changing self-sabotaging behaviour is to unpack the beliefs we hold about ourselves; it could be that we think we’re not worthy of love, we aren’t enough for our partner, or we don’t have the capacity to give love to another person. As Talitha asks, “Imagine if our beliefs about who we are have been wrong?”.
Next time we feel ourselves pulling away from a partner, Talitha suggests thinking about how we can communicate how we’re feeling, without being passive-aggressive or expecting our partner to read our minds. Communication is a skill, and it might take some time to get comfortable being open and honest, rather than running away.
“The main way to combat self-sabotage in relationships is to believe our worth. Self-worth can take a while to build, especially if we are not used to it.”
Working on our self-esteem to combat self-sabotaging behaviour doesn't mean that we can't be in a relationship simultaneously, “as long as we are not looking to our partner to determine our worth – and find outside help or resources to help us build our self-esteem.”
Ultimately, as Talitha says, “We are all worthy of happiness and love and deserve to be treated well.” Once we start believing that, the self-sabotaging behaviour will take a backseat.
