Written by Nick Levine
If you're active on a dating app, you'll probably have been asked at some point to send an intimate picture. You may well have received one, too. It's been found that in the time it takes to read a short article like this one, at least 1,000 nude photos will have been snapped and shared.*. And most people sharing them will have never met in real life.
Clearly, some intimate pictures are more revealing than others, but if it's something you wouldn't want your mum or your boss to see, it's safe to say it falls within the intimate category. "When two potential partners agree to exchange intimate pictures, this can be a consensual and fun way of turning up the heat in their connection," says Rhian Kivits, a sex and relationship expert. "Some people also like to exchange intimate pictures to assess compatibility, because we do have likes and preferences when it comes to a potential partner’s body, and that does include their intimate parts."
No one should ever be shamed for choosing to send or accept an intimate picture, but before exchanging them with someone you've never met, it's important to consider every potential outcome. "There's always an element of trust involved in these exchanges," Kivits points out, "and since those involved often don't know each other very well, there's always a risk that this trust can be broken."
The ways in which this trust can be broken can be extreme, and absolutely devastating for the wronged party. "Sending intimate images of yourself to a match may seem like harmless flirting, but it can open up a world of shame if [the pictures] get circulated or abused," says sex, love and relationship coach Serena Novelli. Indeed, so-called "sextortion" is recognised** by the Metropolitan Police as "a form of blackmail" that "involves threatening to publish sexual information, photos or videos about someone" in a bid to "extort money or to force the victim to do something against their will".
Kivits notes that "becoming a victim of revenge porn" is another risk "if things don’t work out" between you and your match. If you do choose to consensually share an intimate image of yourself online, and you suspect that the person you’re chatting with may have posted your picture online, there are some things you can do. Badoo is partnered with StopNCII.org – a UK-based non-profit which uses technology to help stop non-consensual intimate images from being shared online. If you’re concerned that an intimate image has been posted (or might be posted) to online platforms including Badoo, you can create a case through StopNCII.org to proactively detect these photos.
But even if the person who receives your intimate pictures never shows them to anyone else, there's no guarantee that it will create any further heat or lead to a deeper connection. And the instant thrill of sending one could curdle into something less nourishing. "You may later regret sharing the images that were taken in the heat of the moment – and obviously the problem is that you can’t turn the clock back," says Kivits.
The exchanging of intimate pictures is very much an issue of personal preference – your body, your choice. But Alex Douglas, a dating coach and voice note expert, believes that it's generally OK "if the conversation is getting sexually heated and the person you're chatting to seems to observe good boundaries and is respectful". However, Douglas also points out that if you feel "pressured" into sending intimate images and don't want to, "it's better to stop the conversation". He advises sending a polite but firm message that draws a clear line: "I am not comfortable sending my intimate pictures at this time. Perhaps when we've met if the chemistry is there?"
This advice is echoed by Kivits, who warns that some dating app users may be persistent and ask more than once. "Always listen to your gut and stick with your decision to say no," she says. It's also important to keep the bigger picture in mind, even in the heat of a very heated moment. "If the person hints that their interest in you will dwindle if you don't send an intimate picture, then that suggests they're the kind of person who doesn’t respect boundaries," Kivits adds. "And in that case, you probably wouldn't want that person in your life anyway."
When it comes to sending an intimate picture of yourself, there is one golden rule – ask the person you're chatting with first. "It's never a good idea to send uninvited intimate pictures to another person because you never know how they might respond or if you could cause offence," says Kivits. Sadly, a persistent minority of dating app users may not adhere to this rule, which is why Badoo has Private Detector as a safety net. Available to all members, this tool uses A.I. to detect the sending of nude, unsolicited images on Badoo in real-time. When it detects one, it will automatically blur the image and give you the option to open it if you wish. If you don't want to, you can choose to delete the picture or report it to Badoo.
The key takeaway from all of this is consent. Only send an intimate picture if the other person has clearly agreed to receive one – surprises are not acceptable in this situation. And if you don't wish to accept one from a match, don't be afraid to make it abundantly clear. "If you do have a heated conversation on a dating app, always take it one step at a time," advises Douglas. Intimate pictures may be a fact of life in 2023, but this makes it even more important to exchange them consciously and consensually.
**Bad Girls Bible study based on 1,058 Americans aged 18 to 73 surveyed in May 2019 "Send Nudes: 1,058 People on How Often They Send & Receive Nudes" Bad Girls Bible. 26 October 2020. https://badgirlsbible.com/naked-ethics
**Metropolitan Police. "Sextortion". Accessed on 04/04/2023. www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/sexual-offences/sextortion/
