Written by Xenia Ellenbogen

Grand romantic gestures, being swept off your feet, spending all your time with one another, over-the-top affection…does this sound like the honeymoon phase of a relationship? Actually, these actions could be a major red flag.

Love bombing occurs when someone goes above and beyond with big romantic gestures early in a relationship to ultimately gain power over someone. We checked in with sex and intimacy coach Leah Carey about the line between love versus love bombing.

Carey explains, “Love bombing is when someone exploits the natural ‘honeymoon’ phase of a new relationship to make the other person emotionally reliant on them. Then, when the honeymoon phase fades, the love bomber begins to exert control in manipulative and abusive ways.”

In turn, the partner of the love bomber may find it hard to leave because they’re always hoping to find the key to get them back to the stage where everything felt wonderful, explains Carey.

Love bombers use grand gestures to create an illusion that they are the perfect partner and perhaps the one who is “meant” for you. Carey explains that the love-bombed partner might express the sentiment, “no one has ever loved me like this before.” It might feel incredible, disorienting, or happen all too quickly.

The problem is that the grand gestures that accompany love bombing soon fade. “Whether it takes two weeks or two months, at some point the newness wears off,” said Carey.

It’s normal for the honeymoon phase of a relationship to fizzle out, but the difference in love bombing is what’s on the other side.

At that point, the love bomber utilises the hold they’ve built to deploy criticism, express anger, or isolate someone from their friends, Carey notes. If these sound like abuse warning signs, it’s because they are. Psychologists warn that love bombing could be a sign of a cycle of abuse. Either partner can be a love bomber, though love bombers commonly display narcissistic tendencies.

Love bombing can be tough to spot because the honeymoon period is a natural time for partners to want to go above and beyond and naturally might feel elated. From the outside looking in, love bombing could seem like your friend is in the greatest relationship of their life or has a partner demonstrating traits people typically long for.

But inside the relationship, love bombing causes emotional turmoil for the victim either through disorientation in the honeymoon period or directly after, when abusive tendencies start to show. Because the love bomber has drawn someone into an illusion of a relationship that could be “perfect” and that the love bomber is flawless, the victim might internalise the change as their own fault. Carey points out that what you end up pining for never existed. Carey explains, “Love bombing feels like overwhelming affection and love, but it’s actually the opposite. It’s a calculated manoeuvre to bring someone under their spell. That person is an object to the love bomber, not a love interest.”

The difference between romantic gestures and love bombing

When is a romantic gesture just that and nothing more?

Carey explains that a good indicator is in the timing. “Romantic gestures are occasional, and are consistent with the nature of the relationship. Love bombing is extreme and can’t be maintained.”

“Romantic gestures feel sweet and in proportion to the stage of the relationship. Love bombing tips from sweet to chaotic and is out of proportion to the stage of the relationship, like saying ‘I love you’ on the second date, or offering an all-expenses-paid trip somewhere exotic after a few weeks of dating,” says Carey.

How can you tell if it’s love or love bombing?

If a relationship feels like it’s happening too fast or feels like it’s “too good to be true,” it might be. Love bombing is such an effective manipulative tool because of its cyclical nature. Carey tells a story where one partner who is love-bombed wants to leave the relationship. But when this is expressed, the love bomber reverts to their initial ploys of gifts, excessive adoration, and manipulation, just long enough for the person’s guard to go down before the cycle repeats.

Common love bombing signs

• Spending nearly all your time together at the start of a relationship
• Requiring constant communication through text, calls, or in-person
• Failure to adhere to your boundaries, such as a request to slow things down
• Excessive gifts, compliments, trips
• Saying “I love you” early on or tossing out other words like “soulmate”
• Requiring commitment or a relationship label quickly

“If you find yourself saying things like ‘this is so overwhelming’ or ‘it feels like a whirlwind’ or ‘I’ve never had this kind of attention before’ in the early stages of dating someone new, it’s a good idea to pull back and look at the situation,” says Carey.

Carey adds the following considerations to help figure out if it’s love or love bombing

• Have you ever had a simple hangout with the person, or is everything over the top?
• How does the person talk about their former partners? Do they express sadness about the end of those relationships, or just vitriol? Even if the breakup was difficult, do they seem to respect the former partner as a person, or do they treat them like the devil?
• Does what you’re experiencing feel in proportion?

Unfortunately, part of the reason that love bombing is so effective is that it can happen so quickly. If you suspect you might be love-bombed rather than in a healthy yet giddy honeymoon period, it might be wise to set a boundary and take the time you need to go slowly and assess. If your boundary isn’t respected, it’s a warning sign. Love bombing is a red flag that could be easily missed because people want to believe that affection is genuinely unbridled.

Ultimately, the difference between love and love bombing comes down to intentions. Love is pure, whereas the intention of a love bomber is to gain power and manipulate.