Written by Alisa Bittner
So, you’ve finally met someone great! They’re kind, funny, look ridiculously good in the mornings and share the same level of enthusiasm for chilli margaritas and dogs as you do. You’ve met their friends, you know how they take their coffee and you’ve fallen into a comforting Sunday evening routine of canoodling on the couch while binge-watching reality TV. With every shared meal, passionate kiss and exciting rendezvous come an even deeper infatuation for this person. As your feelings grow, it's probably time to set some boundaries and communicate exactly what you’re after, especially if what you’re looking for is a monogamous relationship.
Now, the thought of having the ‘what are we?’ talk may leave a pit in your stomach, but, like ripping off a plaster, it will give you a huge sense of relief once you’ve communicated what you want, regardless of the outcome. And, if all goes well you may get everything you desire, hooray!
When should you have the conversation?
According to certified relationship coach Katie O’Donoghue “There isn’t a set time for when you should be having the ‘what are we’ chat, but it is important to check in with how you’re feeling about the relationship and the person before diving in. Get clear on your preferences, values and boundaries in a relationship. Are you actually looking for commitment? And, if so what sort of commitment? Is it a life partner or someone to share experiences with?”
A lot of the time we’re resistant to conversations about our intrinsic wants and desires. However, a failure to have these conversations early on can lead to an investment in a person that doesn’t align with your long-term goals.
“Even in those first couple of dates, it is important to understand each other's intention behind why you’re dating. Is it for fun and something casual? Is it a rebound situation, are you just out of a relationship and are eager to explore your sexual identity? Or, are you actually dating for commitment and are looking for a life partner?”
How do you ask where a relationship is going?
While having the ‘what are we?’ conversation can feel terrifying, to say the least, it is the only way to turn the current situation into the one you want. And, if done correctly it can often be an enjoyable exchange. Start with a personal share or a statement that aligns with how you’re feeling. For example “I’ve deleted Badoo– I don’t want to see anyone else,” or “over the last couple months, my feelings towards you have grown stronger,” or “I really like spending time with you.”
Using statements that align with how you’re feeling will avoid putting them directly on the spot with a loaded question. After opening the conversation, allow the other person to process what you’re saying and formulate their own response. From here, it’s important to be as honest and direct as possible when it comes to communicating what you want. While you may think softening what you’re saying so you appear nonchalant is a good idea, it can lead to miscommunication. Communicating to the other person your desires directly is paramount to getting what you want, especially if that is a serious relationship.
What if you don’t get the response you want?
If you’ve finally built up the courage to communicate what you want and the other person just isn’t on the same page, Katie has some advice.
“If you don’t receive the response you’re looking for, that's perfectly okay. If the person you’re dating wants to keep it casual when you would like to progress to a committed relationship, it allows you to make a choice on what you would like to do next. You may choose to keep it casual, but if you are yearning for a committed relationship you can choose to let go of the current casual commitment and find alignment with someone else that shares the same values, or that wants something similar to you.”
It may seem impossible to walk away from this person, especially when strong feelings are still in play. However, by sticking it out, you may end up suppressing your emotions which can be taxing on your mental well-being.
“There really isn’t any point in sticking it out with someone who isn’t showing up for you or doesn’t share the same values or preferences as you do,” Katie explains.
The ‘what are we?’ chat has the potential to lead to the start of a passionate and fulfilling relationship. On the other hand, it could make you realise that you’re completely comfortable with keeping it casual as you navigate career shifts, exciting travel endeavours and flourishing friendships. Or, maybe it spurs an uncomfortable transition from lovers to acquaintances. Regardless of the potential outcomes on the other side of the conversation, you’ll know exactly where you stand – and that in itself is liberating.
