Written by Nick Levine
We all know that the most wonderful time of the year can also be the most stressful. Yes, the holidays bring a golden opportunity to catch up with family and friends while chestnuts are roasting on an open fire – seriously though, does anyone actually roast chestnuts on an open fire? And if you know someone who does, can I please get an invite to their Christmas party?
Anyway, Christmas can also be a challenging time for anyone who's single and/or dating in a relatively casual way. Nosey – sorry, inquisitive – members of your extended family or friends of your parents have a habit of asking questions about your love life that feel horribly inappropriate and unnecessary. With this in mind, here's a failsafe guide to dealing with these unwanted questions without ever losing your cool.
1. Take a deep breath
This will help you to calm down, at least a little bit, and also give you a moment to gather your thoughts. Believe me: when you're confronted with a potentially awkward question from someone who believes they have the right to ask you absolutely anything because they "remember you as a baby", every second helps.
2. Smile
This doesn't mean putting on a rictus grin, because overly forced smiles rarely help anyone to get through a cringe conversation. It does mean relaxing your face a little and trying to look, well, generally pleasant. That way, if you do have to say something cutting to shut down an intrusive line of inquiry, you won't seem nearly as abrupt. I've learned from experience that sometimes it pays to activate "smiling assassin" mode.
3. Have a few lines up your sleeve
The beauty of having a semi-prepared dating spiel ready to go is that you can be as vague – or as specific – as you want to be. If you're happy to share the story of a truly terrible date with someone who kept getting your name wrong (this actually happened to a friend of mine), you can play the situation for lols. But if you want to keep things breezy, you can just offer a few fun clichés about "playing the field" and "looking for someone to kiss under the mistletoe". When you know the dating question is coming, you're really the one in control.
4. Show them how your favourite dating app works
At this point, online dating is really nothing new: the first dating websites launched in the mid-1990s and dating apps have been around for well over a decade. Still, if someone has been in an LTR for most of their life, it is possible that they may never have tried a dating app before. In this instance, giving them a quick primer on swiping, matching and chatting should help to demystify the whole experience. Just make sure there's no chance of Great Aunt Mildred accidentally catching a glimpse of some of your more intimate chats. Or having a crack at swiping on your behalf…
5. Tell them about Dating Sunday
You know about Dating Sunday, right? Basically, the first Sunday in January tends to bring a huge surge in activity on dating apps because people have more free time again after Christmas and the New Year. Some of them may already be looking ahead to Valentine's Day, too, which you've got to admit is pretty canny. So, it's definitely a date to make a note of if you want to extract maximum value from your app time.
Anyway, by telling your inquisitor all about Dating Sunday, you'll make yourself look like a shrewd and clued-up modern dater. You'll also be leading them down an avenue of conversation where you can avoid giving away anything remotely personal. Double win.
6. Become a deflection demon
Ask any celebrity who's been grilled by a newspaper: the best way to avoid answering a question is to chuck one back at your inquisitor. Because most people love talking about themselves – I mean, I know I do – it works like a charm every single time. So, here are a few handy suggestions to steer the chat well away from your sore spots: "On a related note, how did you meet your partner?" "What's the weirdest date you've ever been on?"
7. Offer to fetch them another cranberry mocktail
Sure, this is just another form of deflection, but it also shows off your flawless manners. Someone will be calling you a "credit to your parents" in no time.
8. Be vague about any break-ups, whether they're recent or not
The holidays are a time of heightened emotions anyway so dredging up something painful from your past probably isn't the best idea. There's just no telling how you might feel in the moment – even when you're over someone, talking about them can really sting – and you also open the door for prying follow-up questions. Plus, it's incredible how many people think it's OK to be rude about someone's ex. "I never liked them anyway" is a typical response, but it's one that rarely makes you feel any better.
9. Tell them you can't afford a lavish wedding anyway
This will give them an excuse to go on a rant about "how expensive everything is these days", which is something few can resist when they're feeling chatty at a Christmas party.
10. If all else fails, pull out a classic "that's really none of your business"
You don't have to be quite as blunt as that, but if you think the situation warrants it, go ahead and drop the NOYB bomb. Otherwise, a simple "let's keep the conversation festive" or "I don't really like talking about dating" will suffice. After all, the holidays are a time of goodwill to all men, even annoyingly nosey ones.
