Written by Xenia Ellenbogen
Ever thought you had a great connection with someone, and then all of a sudden, they go completely silent? You've been ghosted! If you're like anyone who has been ghosted, it probably left you feeling confused. Maybe you've echoed the sentiment, “I just wish I knew why,” instead of the radio silence you received. Today, we're looking at reasons why people ghost and how to steer clear of this common yet hurtful way of avoiding tough conversations.
We enlisted the help of the Modern Dating Coach, Laura Jacobs, to find out more about why ghosting has grown so commonplace and why you should consider choosing differently.
Reasons why people ghost
There's no denying it–technology has shaped the way we date. Research* found online dating now supersedes any other way that couples meet in the US. Since you're inundated with options and matches are behind screens, many people have yet to catch online dating etiquette.
Because thousands of encounters are now at your fingertips, people don't factor in the feelings of the people on the other side. Jacobs says, “Using a dating app, you can forget there's a real human being on the other side with real feelings and emotions just like you. You're not swiping and shopping online, you're looking for a real person to date, and it needs to be treated as such.”
Ghosting, in particular, is a byproduct of how technology has shaped the landscape of dating. But why do so many people do it? Jacobs explains, "People who ghost hate conflict and are conflict-averse, so they avoid it by ghosting you." Although ghosting avoids engaging in a tough conversation, it can cause feelings of confusion and hurt for the other person that is sometimes more extreme than if you'd just told them you're not interested in the first place.
Many people may opt to ghost instead of having a direct conversation because there is usually, a lack of consequences. Jacobs explains, "If you don't meet through a common friend, there's no one to hold them accountable for their cowardly behaviour."
Because you have endless options online, Jacobs says, “There's also this mentality that the grass is always greener on the other side and only some people feel ghosting is a big deal. After matching and chatting, they may feel their conquest is accomplished–so it's on the next.”
Jacobs notes a problematic new attitude amongst daters: you don't owe anything to the person you're dating. Especially if you are intimate with someone, Jacobs says, “I feel you do owe them an explanation of some sort.”
How ghosting makes others feel
Ghosting may seem like a convenient option to avoid a tough conversation, but it can have harsher consequences than desired.
“Ghosting triggers the abandonment wound inside a person, which is a very painful wound that most of us carry from childhood into our romantic lives. We are afraid of being abandoned, and ghosting is just that,” says Jacobs.
Ghosting can also cause you to feel “stupid, foolish, discarded, mad, angry and sad–and all of these feelings are extremely valid,” says Jacobs.
For some people, ghosting someone can be a way to try and avoid hurting someone's feelings, but it does the opposite (and is usually worse than ripping the bandaid off in the first place by letting someone know it's not working.)
Moral of the story? There's a human behind that screen.
Biting the bullet and having the talk
Now that you know some of the heftier effects of ghosting, it's time to change the script around online dating etiquette. Whether you have the conversation through a phone call, text, or in person depends on you, but anything is better than fading into silence and disappearing. Jacobs says that how you go about a conversation that expresses “I'm not interested right now” should depend on the type of connection you shared.
“If you've been intimate together, I feel you do owe that person a conversation in person. If you went on one or two dates and didn't have intimacy, a text is fine with me,” says Jacobs.
Jacobs also advocates for openly telling a match that there's a lack of compatibility whenever you realise it. "Realising you're compatible or not, after all, is the whole point of dating. It's natural that not every person you go on a date with is going to be a soulmate."
Although the person on the receiving end may feel hurt, you might find they understand and appreciate that you took the time to let them know (or that they were feeling the exact same way.)
What to say instead of ghosting
Had sex or built a connection after a few dates? Jacobs recommends being honest and letting someone know your reasons for not wanting to continue spending time together.
For someone who you haven't had intimacy with and just went on a date with, Jacobs suggests a casual iteration of, “Hey, I had fun getting to know you, but I'm simply looking for something different than the connection we have. I wish you all the best in your search!”.
Your conversation doesn't need to be lengthy, but it does need to be clear. Simple is best with clearly stated boundaries. You'll also want to be sure you've made up your mind before communicating what you need. Make sure to steer clear of using phrases that might be indirect or cause confusion–although this may feel easier at the moment, it usually ends up causing more hurt down the line. If you're open to being friends or not, you can state that, too.
Jacobs says the choice doesn't come down to integrity. Showing someone you've made the choice to let them know you're no longer interested shows respect. And, it may make you feel better about how you ended things, too.
*PNAS. "Disintermediating your friends: How online dating in the United States displaces other ways of meeting". Accessed on 05/04/2023. https://www.pnas.org/doi/abs/10.1073/pnas.1908630116.
