Written by Xenia Ellenbogen

You’ve just matched with someone whose profile strikes a chord. Maybe said person seems funny, well-travelled, smart, or you care about similar things. Your message notifications light up, and you see it’s from them. Expecting a message chock-full of relatable quips, your face falls as you read the one word it contains: hey.

Should you just give up on dating entirely?

Needless to say, you close your app until you’re met with a more inspiring message worthy of your response.

Today, we’re taking a deep dive into opening dating app messages – what works, what doesn’t, and how to send messages that get responses. Through a call out on social media, daters wrote in with messages they’ve received that either raised the red flag or were too snooze-worthy to bother responding to.

We enlisted the help of Online Dating Coach Max Alley, who frequently helps clients assemble dating profiles and messages.

Read on if you want to know the worst dating intro messages (and apologies for the cringe factor).

1. Hey, heyyy, and other cliché one-liners

Alley says, “The first thing to know about openers is that 90% of the time, people (mostly men) are going to open the conversation with ‘hey,’ ‘hi,’ ‘how are you,’ or ‘how was your weekend.’”

The problem with these openers? They don’t inspire a substantive message back. If you send a “hey,” you’ll likely be met with a “hey” back (or no response at all). Asking someone how their weekend was demonstrates no creative juice or effort, plus it’s a strange thing to ask someone who you haven’t exchanged any words with yet.

2. Messages that display low self-confidence

Alley says, “Some of the worst messages I’ve seen are ones that say something like ‘Thanks for not unmatching me,’ which is a play at a joke, but just displays a lack of confidence and a jaded perspective of dating in general.” Um, you’re welcome?

Be sure to craft messages that display confidence. You don’t need to be cocky, but showing security in how you view yourself can help the other person feel more at ease when they respond.

3. Sexually explicit messages

If you’re on a dating app for the sole purpose of hooking up, that’s OK. But what’s not OK is to assume off the bat that’s someone else’s reason for being there, too. No one wants to read something overtly or even subtly sexual if that’s not where they are at or what they want. The thing is, you’ll never know someone is on that page (unless their profile explicitly states to send them raunchy messages) without asking first.

Zack told us, “Unsolicited dick pics are so common, and I hate receiving them.”

Similarly, a dater named Alex said, "I received a message where someone said they wanted to make tea with my underwear. Did I respond? No. Do I tell that story for comedic purposes? Absolutely.”

4. Superficial comments

“Hey, beautiful” or “I like your hair, eyes, smile, etc.” are also a poor use of an opening message. These comments could indicate that you’re more interested in someone’s body than you are in them. Plus, these messages don’t leave room for a lengthy response. There’s a time and place for complimenting someone’s appearance in dating, but it might be more suitable for when you’re on a date or have at least been messaging more consistently.

5. Red flags

Dylan received an intro message that read: “I think you and I are perfect together. Don’t leave me like the others.” You won’t be surprised to find out that she never responded.

Intro messages that raise immediate red flags might be overly clingy, insecure, or include any sort of ultimatum or promise. They may also ask too soon for a date or even the promise of a relationship. Watch out for intro messages with red flags because if you catch them as early as a first one-liner, they’ll likely permeate a relationship.

How to craft better messages

So, you want to write better messages. Where do you start? 

Find common ground

An easy tip is to connect on common ground, like a shared interest or opinion. Alley says, “To have your message well received, you need to be a bit more creative and think outside the box. Anything referring to an aspect of someone’s profile is a good bet.” Always end your message with a question so that the other person has something to respond to.

Get creative with the medium

You can also get creative about ways you send an intro message. Alley explains, “If you’re bold enough, sending a voice message is a good way to stand out from the crowd, project confidence, and build rapport through them hearing your voice.”

Make playful assumptions

Alley recommends leading with playful assumptions instead of common questions. “Instead of ‘what did you major in college,’ one could ask, “I bet you were an art history major because you have great taste.’ If you’re correct, then you’re a psychic, and if you’re wrong, then you can playfully discuss what made you make that assumption,” said Alley.

Focus on how you ask questions

When crafting an intro message, prioritise connecting with someone and continuing the conversation. Alley says, “I like the opening line ‘what have you been doing too much internet research info on?’ Or ‘what are you looking forward to in the next couple of weeks?’. Any open-ended question is going to be better than a yes/no answer question.”

The way you ask a question matters, and simple swaps could lead to a more inspired response than others. “One special tip I give for music lovers is instead of asking someone ‘what music do you like’ you could instead ask them ‘what albums have you been listening to recently?” said Alley.

Crafting an intro message doesn’t have to be too lengthy, either. Stick to asking just a question or two, and don’t be afraid to show your personality.

While you won’t be sent to dating purgatory for sending a “hey”, it’s likely that your inbox will collect a few cobwebs. There are so many other ways to send an intro message that gets you a response – and after all, isn’t that why you’re sending it in the first place?