Written by Ellie Carter

It’s likely that we’ve all been in a situation where a friend is smitten with their new partner, but in your opinion, they’re not quite a match made in heaven. Do you come right out and tell them your thoughts, because honesty is key and you know your best friend better than anyone? Or do you keep quiet and battle with the ‘is it my place to say anything?’ question?

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer, and there are pros and cons to both options. I’ve spoken to clinical psychologist Dr Sheva Assar to help figure it out, and you can let us know your thoughts here.

Before we dive into the should you/shouldn’t you – there are a few questions that Dr Sheva has identified as starting blocks to the conversation. 

1. What is your definition of “bad?”

There is a difference between a “bad” relationship and one that is unhealthy and/or abusive. It’s important to be clear on what factors are leading you to believe that this is a bad relationship and consider whether these are factors that others also would agree to be negative.

2. Is your opinion based on personal experience?

What is primarily influencing you to believe that your friend’s partner isn’t good for them? Is it based on evidence of what you have seen within their relationship or is it influenced by other factors, such as your own history, likes/dislikes, or current relationship status?

3. How close of a friendship is it?

Do you have a solid foundation built to openly share how you feel about your friend’s relationship and for them to be open and trusting of your perspective? Or is it a newer friendship where it could be perceived as overstepping? What is the impact of sharing and/or not sharing?

4. Would your disclosures be helpful to your friend?

At times, we share our perspectives based on what we think would be helpful to us in the same situation; however, it’s important to consider whether your disclosures are going to be helpful and in your friend’s best interest in the long term.

When you SHOULD tell your friend that their partner is bad for them

Probably the most obvious time you should tell your friend that their partner is bad for them is when there are safety concerns. It’s important here to come from a non-judgemental and supportive place. Dr Sheva says, “If there are any safety concerns, you may want to consult with someone else on how to best broach the topic with this friend depending on what you know about this person, their relationship, and current circumstances. You want to share your concerns in a non-judgmental, factual way that can communicate to your friend exactly why you are concerned, as well as make it less about your reactions and more about the relationship dynamics. If needed, you may also want to encourage your friend to reach out for professional support and/or mental health treatment and resources.”

 If you have a relationship with your friend where you both feel comfortable with this level of honesty then go for it! Sometimes, to close friends, discussions like this are second nature and you wouldn’t even buy a pair of shoes without showing the other person first. The thing I love about my closest friends is that our whole relationship is built on honesty. Whether it’s being honest about that yellow top clashing with those pink trousers, or about whether we think their partner is bad for them. I would also say that I know my friends better than they know themselves, at times. In a new relationship, it’s easy to be blinded by infatuation and ignore the red flags that others might see straight away. I’ve seen friends in the honeymoon period of a relationship let so many things slide that in the end made them incredibly unhappy – and if I’d have spoken up about it, maybe it would have helped them out in the long-term.

When you SHOULDN’T tell your friend that their partner is bad for them

If you can’t work out whether you just don’t like your friend’s partner or if they’re actually a negative influence on your friend. There’s often a fine line between these two and we can find ourselves basing our opinions on how well we’ve personally connected with them. Our friends' partners aren’t always going to become our best friends, and that’s OK - you’re not the one dating them and it doesn’t mean that they’re not right for your friend. So there’s an element of checking in with yourself and being honest about the specific reason and facts as to why you don’t think they’re right for them.

If it just isn’t your place. A key pillar of any friendship is support and no matter what someone is going through, that’s exactly what we should do. It doesn’t always have to be lectures, advice or constantly telling them that they need to leave their relationship. It’s about appreciating that relationships naturally have ups and downs and it’s ultimately up to your friend and their partner to work it out. Arguments are a normal part of life and it’s likely that you’ll only be getting one side of the story from your friend, so it’s normal to form an opinion that takes their side. It’s also worth bearing in mind that you’re not your friend's therapist or relationship coach, so sometimes the only thing we can do is listen and be there for support.

There are many factors to consider before telling a friend that their partner is “bad” for them and every situation is unique; so it depends on the qualities of the romantic relationship and your friendship to determine if this is the most appropriate action.

Dr Sheva gave us some final points to consider when determining whether to tell a friend that their partner is “bad” for them:

• Remember to limit the expectation that the relationship issues need to be resolved within your one conversation with your friend. If there are no safety issues and time allows, it can be helpful to simply open up the dialogue, be genuinely curious about their experiences, and remember that change can occur across time and that it’s most important that your friend feels consistently supported.
• In your conversation, consider checking in with your friend about what would be most supportive to them. Regardless of what your friend decides, it can be important to explicitly let your friend know that you are there for them if they need anything.

So what do you think? Would you tell your friend if their partner was bad for them? Let us know on Instagram!