Written by Xenia Ellenbogen
The math makes sense – if you increase the number of dates you go on, you improve your chances of finding love. But does packing your dating schedule to the brim actually improve your chances, or could it hurt them? Today, we’re talking about serial dating. I reached out to two dating experts to get their opinions on whether dating is a numbers game and found surprising results: there is a formula for dating, but it’s not what you think.
Dating coach and matchmaker Lucie Luvidya warns people to stay clear of any numerical rules for how many dates they line up throughout the week and encourages daters to “go at their own speed.”
Dating coach Alison Marie suggests aiming for quality over quantity. Read on to find out what can happen when you schedule too many dates and how to set yourself up for success.
Dating Burnout
On a first date and ordering a glass of “oh, what’s the point?” There’s a reason for this! Scheduling a packed calendar of dates can often lead to burnout, and this is when you’re tired and start to believe negative thoughts about dating.
Marie says that someone may start making statements like, “there’s no one out there” or “all the good ones are taken,” which may negatively influence how someone sees their dates.
Luvidya says, “What's happening with online dating specifically is that people are looking for the next best thing, and they don't stop.” The risk in overbooking yourself? You’re most likely not going to find what you’re looking for. On top of that, you’ll probably grow weary of the process.
Luvidya describes what happens to her coaching clients who overdo it and says, “they don't even want to connect and get to the point where they don't even want to date, but they go on a date anyway; because they feel like they have to. They are not making connections, but they go on date after date, and they cannot find a partner.”
Marie says that people who pack their dating schedules full might do so out of an underlying void. Marie suggests that if daters find themselves going on first or second dates but never any more, to ask themselves the following questions:
- Is dating a distraction from something?
- Are you struggling to move on?
- Is something in your life lacking and making you feel that you need to have a partner?
Dating is, after all, supposed to be enjoyable. But if you schedule too many dates, it can “lead to someone being too picky and trying to find their “perfect” match. If someone is trying to find perfection and has specific expectations, this can hold them back from being able to appreciate an amazing person they are out with who would be a great match for them,” said Marie.
When you lose curiosity for someone because you write them off too quickly, you hurt your ability to make a connection. Looking for the next best thing does not equate to forming partnerships.
Marie notes that going on many first dates “can end up being more of a waste of time than productive,” (unless you’re Adam Sandler in 50 First Dates, of course).
So, what’s the alternative?
Luvidya says, “online dating is a great way to meet people, but you have to be careful of getting into a cycle of going on dates on dates on dates and not connecting.”
Luvidya says the secret is to stay present. Reframe your mindset to be genuinely curious about who you’re getting to know.
The one upside of cramming your dates is that you can meet new people. However, it can be challenging to stay present if you’re stressed. Work/life balance is tough enough, and a date every night makes for the potential to show up stressed and not have the bandwidth for staying present.
Find yourself on the dating treadmill? It may be time to slow down. Marie says, “slowing down the process of finding someone may be healthier and produce better results over time.”
Marie encourages intentional dating and being more mindful of how people select their dates, too. She notes that when people date mindfully, they typically “end up feeling more fulfilled and enjoying the process more.”
Marie also notes, “if someone wants to date intentionally, it’s good to get clear on what's truly important to you, what your deal-breakers are, green and red flags in dating, and start to build connections before going on a date. This way, you can screen your matches and find better potential partners. Finding someone you truly connect with and would be excited to go out with will have much better long-term results than rushing a bunch of potentially bad dates.”
How do you screen your dates with more intentionality? Focus on the profiles you find most captivating, not just the person’s photos.
You might consider: do you have shared interests? Shared political views? If you have any deal-breakers, make sure to ask if your date aligns while you are messaging so that you don’t accidentally end up on a date with someone who is an acclaimed deer hunter when you’re a die-hard vegan.
Luvidya encourages clients who jam-pack their dating schedule to take a break and reconnect with themselves, what they want, and what’s important to them before resuming.
Dating is about more than showing up to an appointment. It’s about being genuinely curious about the person you’re sitting across from and “putting the energy into finding the right person,” said Luvidya.
So, there is no numeric formula for how frequently you should date. But there is a formula for setting yourself up for more successful dates: consider why you’re dating in the first place, what you want, how you show up, and most importantly, stay intentional about why you’re there in the first place.
