Written by Alice Tapper

Let me put your mind at ease. What I’m not here to tell you is to make a budget for dating. Phew.

If you’ve already got one, fantastic, but the reason this isn’t the solution to better dating is two-fold 1) They’re impractical. ‘Sorry, I can’t stay, I'm over my dating budget’ has to be one of the greatest passion killers of all time and 2) Budgets are incredibly boring. Even if I told you to make one, I know you’re not going to.

Instead, we’re going back to basics, reflecting on what we want from our dating lives and how to make it happen.

Bill paying

The first question that arises when talking about money and dating is ‘Who’s paying the bill?’. Different cultures have different answers with a variety of gender-based expectations and social norms - and there is a growing consensus that expecting one person to pay the bill is a bit old-fashioned. This expectation has largely existed within heterosexual relationships and is founded in a world in which women didn’t earn their own income.

Personally, I’m thrilled to see the back of the ‘he should pay’ narrative but I know it’s not that simple. One male friend who moved to America told me ‘It was only after several dates of suggesting we go halves that I realised it was a faux pas and a sure-fire way to stop the relationship going any further. Whilst I would love to tell you to screw the social norms, I know that realistically, that’s not always easy to do.

What’s your type?

So let’s start with yourself. Forget what society says you should want and do and take a couple of minutes to think about your financial values.

There are two questions to ask:

1) Who pays for dates?

There is no right or wrong here. If you truly believe that the other person should pay, or you think it should always be even stevens, that’s cool. You might sit somewhere in the middle or feel that the person doing the asking should also do the paying. So long as you’re clear on why you believe that, you’re off to a good start.

2) What matters to you

Only wanting to date a person because they have a yacht and penthouse apartment isn’t ideal. That being said, there’s nothing wrong with caring about someone’s approach to handling their money, particularly if you’re looking for a long-term relationship.

So, think about the kind of values that are important to you. Are you a splurger who enjoys going a little over the top on weekends or are you all about your saving goals and staying on track? What are your big financial goals? Do you want to find someone ready to settle down and buy a place or someone keen to travel the world?

If you’re struggling to work this one out, reflect on how previous dates and relationships have gone. Is there anything that’s left you feeling uncomfortable, turned off or out of pocket? Use these feelings as a guide.

Your dating values

Reflecting on your answers to the above, what are your dating values? You’ll probably have some absolute non-negotiables and then some more flexible ‘nice to haves’. For example, perhaps dating someone who believes in equal finances is essential whilst having career ambition isn’t a must. Whatever they are, keep them in mind as you start dating and use your instincts to spot when somebody might not be compatible.

5 dating rules to keep things budget-friendly

1. Act early The key to avoiding awkward and unaffordable situations is to act early and honestly. If they ask you out, don’t be afraid to express your preference to just grab a coffee or go on a walk. Online dating gives you time to think carefully about how you ask someone out and how to respond.

2. Drinks only As a general rule, keep the first date to ‘grabbing a drink’. Dinner is expensive and leaves you with the very realistic possibility of spending an uncomfortable few hours with someone who’s not your vibe. If you’re asked out for dinner, there’s no harm in suggesting drinks instead, you can always find a table if you're hitting it off.

3. Free options You don’t have to pay for dates! If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that a walk in the park or a BYOC (bring your own coffee) can actually be a great option for honest dating. Bin the beer goggles and overpriced cocktails and get to know your date for who they are.

4. Virtual first The second thing we’ve learnt over the last year or so is that you don’t actually have to meet someone to get to know them. Zoom dates aren’t for everyone but they can be a great way to make sure there’s the potential for chemistry. If there isn’t, that’s money and time saved!

5. Be honest If your date suggests going somewhere so pricey that it’s likely to cause you financial trouble, don’t be afraid to suggest an alternative. Even if they insist on paying, think about whether that’s something you feel comfortable with.

A word on saying no

It’s all very well me talking about values and boundaries but I get it, these things are so much harder in practice. Case in point, shortly after I graduated with not a whole lot to spend, I went on a date with a guy who suggested we meet at his favourite wine bar. ‘What a cute place,’ I thought for about two seconds, before noticing that the cheapest bottle was £40. ‘Let’s go for this one,’ he said, gesturing at a bottle of red uncomfortably far down the menu. ‘Shall we get a charcuterie board too?’ he asked himself, before confirming to the waiter that, ‘Yes, we’ll have one of those.’ I knew we’d be splitting the bill and that I definitely couldn’t afford the £75 that had racked up in the first ten minutes of meeting him. ‘Sorry, do you mind if we go for a different one? This is getting very expensive,’ is what I should have said, but didn’t.

Saying no takes a certain kind of confidence and it is needed in even higher doses when it means baring all financially. I like to think that if this happened again, I would say something. I’m much more particular about where my money goes and who I want to spend it with these days but I know this isn’t always easy.

A final word on honesty

It’s never been harder to be honest or easier to lie. We pick and choose the best bits of our lives for all to see and leave the uglier parts lurking on our camera roll. Honesty punctures that Instagram bubble that we’re all guilty of inflating, helping us to feel a little better about the boat that we’re all in.

It’s hard, to be honest, but honesty really is the key when it comes to successful dating. It helps us to get closer, build trust, and to work out if we’re both after the same thing. It also pays off in the long run too, as honesty is the golden ticket to finding and building a strong relationship. When we’re all honest, everyone wins.

Alice Tapper is the founder of Go Fund Yourself, an online platform and community which makes personal finance relatable. She has written a book about managing your finances and has a special interest in the intersection of relationships and money.