Written by Rica Pahlke
Tired of stupid single-shaming comments and being accused of being too picky? Here’s why you shouldn't listen – and celebrate your standards instead.
Please leave me alone to be single
I love being single. I could write down a whole list of things I love about it. But there’s also one thing that really annoys me. What is it, you ask? Although it’s not exactly uncommon in today's society to not be in a relationship, married, or planning to have kids in your mid-20s, being single is still a temporary state in many people's minds. One that needs to be changed – preferably as soon as possible. "You're still single? Don't worry, you'll find the right person." "How can you be single? You're really pretty." The thing is: I'm not single because no one wants me, but because I don't want anyone. Have you ever thought about that?
"Well, maybe you're just too picky and have too many expectations.”
When I hear this accusation - whether from friends who view things differently or from parents and grandparents who think everyone is looking for their perfect match - I want to scream out loud. Not because I want to disagree, but because the fact that I'm picky about dating and have certain demands isn’t a negative thing in my eyes.
We don’t need to find our ‘better half’
On the contrary, I think it's very positive to be picky. I don't need to be in a relationship with anyone just to avoid being alone. And I’m certainly not one half that needs another person to be complete; I’m complete and happy with myself. If I get involved with someone, it’s only if that person makes me even happier than I already am. If that’s not the case, I prefer to do without. This attitude doesn't mean that my standards are too high, it just shows that I know what I want (or at least what I don't want). So why should I settle for less? Yes, I am picky. And I’m picky with great conviction.
That's exactly why I don't want to keep hearing that I'm the problem. There is no problem! The only questionable thing here is that the majority of people think the only "normal" life involves looking for a partner, getting married, having children and being in a monogamous relationship forever. But the fact is that times have changed. There are so many forms of love today and they should all be accepted and celebrated. It’s the same with being single. If someone is alone, it doesn't always mean that they’re desperate to change this state. There are also people who consciously choose this path, not because they’re too choosy and no one is good enough for them, but because they’re happy without a partner. And quite honestly, that's great. So here's a little reminder...
Why it's good to be picky when dating
1. It shows that you’re happy within yourself
Choosing wisely about whom you enter into a serious relationship with (and if in doubt, preferring to remain single) shows that you are self-sufficient and don’t need another person to make you happy. And that's one of the most important things of all - after all, you're stuck with yourself your whole life. If you can be happy on your own, that’s a valuable attribute that you should be proud of.
2. You know what you want
Having standards when looking for a partner is the best proof that you know yourself well. You know what you want and don't want in your life. Both are incredibly important and a perfect basis to one day - if you have this goal - build a relationship that works in the long term, makes you happy and where you can be truly yourself.
3. You know your worth
Not getting involved with any Tom, Dick or Harry on an emotional level is above all a healthy decision for yourself. It shows that you know your worth and what’s good for you – and for that very reason, means you don’t settle for less. Staying true to your standards and thus to yourself is something you should never give up.
Self-love should always come first
I’m convinced that each of us should be single for a long period of time because only those who are happy with themselves can also be happy in a relationship. Loving ourselves and enjoying our own company is the basis for a healthy partnership. We can’t expect another person to accept us as we are if we’re not able to do so ourselves. For this reason, I think being single is not only a healthy thing but much more than that: it’s important for our personal development. Who are we when no one is watching us? And who do we want to be? What path do we want to take? What is our goal? We can find this out best by being alone and having the opportunity to develop independently of another person.
A relationship shouldn’t have the purpose of completing us and no one else should be solely responsible for our happiness. It should make two people who are already happy even happier. So a partnership is not the whole cake - it's the cherry on top.
What being choosy has to do with gratitude
Lastly, we shouldn’t forget that it’s a real privilege to be able to be choosy. Not everyone has the opportunity in their life to be self-actualised, self-sufficient and independent. If you have freedom of choice in finding a partner, that’s a great gift. And if you can consciously decide against a relationship because you don't need it in your life and don't want it, you can also consider yourself very lucky.
Rica Pahlke is the online editor for all topics related to dating, love & sex at Cosmopolitan Germany.
