Written by Xenia Ellenbogen
Keeping an ex-flame simmering on the backburner negatively impacts everyone involved, according to a study about dating and relationship behaviours. But what exactly is a backburner relationship, and how do you know if you’re in one?
What is a backburner relationship?
A backburner relationship is when someone keeps in contact with an old flame, holding the possibility of a future sexual or romantic relationship. These relationships are often noncommittal and can cause mistrust in a new partnership because they’re commonly maintained in secret.
A backburner isn’t just an ex who floats through your mind from time to time; it’s someone you keep in contact with and monitor their life or milestones. With social media, there are endless ways to keep tabs on someone. The intention is key here: if you’re keeping in contact because things ended on good terms, that’s one thing. If either person interacts with the notion that someday, things could escalate, this is a backburner relationship.
Clues your ex might be treating you as a backup
- They frequently engage with your social media posts
- They watch every Instagram story (especially if they react with the fire emoji)
- They message you intermittently, then go quiet
Keeping backburner relationships can hurt the trust in a relationship because usually, these relationships are secretive. The line between cheating and backburner relationships is a fine one; some may consider backburner relationships emotional cheating and feel just as betrayed by them.
We asked people to weigh in on their experiences with backburner relationships – and found they’re more common than you might think…
Maria said, “My ex was always spending time on the phone with a particular contact. I ignored it initially but decided to go through his phone one day, and I realized that he was always talking to his ex, who had moved to another state. I felt very hurt and betrayed. What hurt me the most was that he shared whatever happened between us with her and even discussed his work and plans, which he never shared with me. That made me lose every form of trust and affection I had for him. I ended the relationship.”
Why do people have backburner relationships?
People might keep backburner relationships for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, keeping a backburner relationship acts as a confidence boost – knowing you could have someone else. People also might entertain backburner relationships because of avoidant tendencies, especially when their relationship feels difficult or serious.
How can you tell if your partner has someone on the backburner?
Unfortunately, many people who maintain backburner relationships do so secretively. But some tell-tale signs can help you figure out if there’s a lack of commitment in your relationship. Some common patterns are:
- Refusal to make solid plans
- Commitment to plans last minute
- Engages in a superficial way
- You feel like you’re putting more into a relationship
What to do if your partner is keeping alternates on the backburner
If your partner is keeping others on the backburner, it might warrant making changes in the relationship and ending it for some.
Whatever the reason people keep backburner relationships, they can have serious consequences. Heather shares her experience with backburners:
“I realised my ex had a backburner relationship when I noticed him constantly texting on his phone and being shady about it. At first, I thought it was just me overthinking things, but then, later on, I happened to read one of his texts over his shoulder, and I realised that all the while, he had people who he kept on the side in case our relationship didn't work out.”
“Initially, I tried to get over it, but it hurt a lot that the person I was together with had a backup option in case anything happened to the relationship we were building. I had a lot of sleepless nights and headaches caused by overthinking about the backburner relationship. Eventually, I got through it by letting go and not allowing what happened to hold me down,” she said.
Of course, what commitment looks like in your relationship can vary, especially if you’re non-monogamous. Typically, the clandestine nature of backburners leads to why they cause pain in relationships. If one thing’s for certain, honest and open communication is a relationship’s strongest armour.
