Written by Xenia Ellenbogen
Have you ever been on a date when the conversation is going well, and then all of a sudden, talk tapers off and you’re left with complete silence? You’re not alone! Awkward silences on dates are common and may indicate that you’re both nervous and thinking of what to say – all part of a wholesome first-date experience.
Sometimes, the general questions to ask on a date can feel performative. Everyone knows the cliché ones: Where are you from? What do you do in your spare time? What do you do for work?. Thankfully, there are other questions you can ask to really get to know someone and encourage a more lively conversation.
While it’s important to find out the answers to the most common first-date questions, these answers don’t always indicate who someone is. For example, in response to “what do you do for work?”, someone may very well say they’re a successful banker, but they might actually want to return to their artist roots or feel unsatisfied at their job. Other questions can help better get to the core of who someone is.
Navigating awkward silences on a date can be quite a complex task. The shift from talking to complete silence can be jarring. One minute you’re talking about where you went to school, and the next, you’re listening to the conversation of the couple next to you. When a silence arises, try and remember that it’s normal and don’t worry about filling it with nonsense just to get it over with.
Adding some finesse to the questions you ask can foster more inspired answers from a date. It’s imperative to find out the basics upfront, but there are questions with a bit more flair that you can ask to keep the conversation exciting and fluid.
5 questions to ask that can help navigate an awkward silence
1. What do you care about? What causes are you devoted to?
If you’re genuinely trying to get to know someone, find out who they are by way of what they care about. Asking this question can also help you determine if you’re aligned on values or politics. Finding out morals early can also help avoid any surprises later on. If they speak about an issue or cause you aren’t informed on, this conversation starter is a great place to ask more questions and learn.
2. If money didn’t exist, how would you spend your time?
To find out who someone is beyond their job title, you might want to change up the traditional “what do you do for work?” question. A recent survey found that 50% of people do not like their jobs. We also live in a society that conflates someone’s job with their identity, when these are usually two very different things. The ‘if money didn’t exist’ question can help get to the core of someone’s true values. If they didn’t work so much, would they spend all their time with family or travelling?
3. What does a typical weekend look like for you?
This question offers insight into someone’s lifestyle and whether or not you’re suited for each other. If someone parties until 4 am and sleeps until noon, and you’re an early riser, your lifestyles might not be compatible.
4. What odd talent or thing do you love to do?
This question might inspire some laughs, which can only be a good thing. There’s actual science behind why laughing on a date is a great sign: a 2015 study in Human Nature found that participants who laughed more had higher chances of self-disclosure, leading to deeper intimacy and trust. (And not to mention, laughing helps alleviate some of the first date jitters).
5. Tell me about someone in your life who you’re close to
This prompt can help foster deeper intimacy – you can get to know someone better by hearing about the people they care about and why. It also encourages both of you to share stories about people in your lives, and ask each other follow up questions.
Reframe your expectations
Instead of trying to figure out in an hour or two whether or not this person is your future life partner, try and simply have a good conversation. Why? Well, being able to converse with someone may be one of the most telling signs of a sustainable relationship. Good conversation involves returning to the basics: practice good listening and respond with appropriate body language that shows you’re interested such as facing forward, nodding, and eye contact.
Rather than cruising on autopilot through a list of questions, try and remain curious about what the person is saying, regardless if you’re getting second-date vibes or not. Obviously, if you spot any red flags that indicate you should leave, listen to your gut!
Don’t jump to conclusions
If you notice that the conversation has stalled, try not to concoct a reason as to why that is. It’s easy to gravitate towards negative thoughts and assume the other person is disinterested, but it’s helpful to remember you can never truly know what someone is thinking.
Psychotherapist Richard Joelson shared an example of an awkward silence on a first date. When a person asked their date “Is everything okay?” after a few minutes of silence, their date explained they were just thinking about how much they were enjoying their time together. Silence isn’t necessarily indicative of a date going badly!
Embrace the silence
When all else fails, embrace silence when it arises. After all, being able to sit quietly with someone is a real indicator of intimacy and relaxation. Plus, moments of silence are bound to happen at some point. Expect them, embrace getting comfortable in them, and they won’t be so awkward anymore.
