The phrase ‘stealthing’ first made its way into popular culture a few years ago, after Alexandra Brodsky’s 2017 report on the subject gained widespread media attention. Since then, stealthing has been discussed in magazine columns, in newspapers, and recently, in Michaela Coel’s BBC series “I May Destroy You.” In one scene, the protagonist of the show, Arabella, is having consensual sex with the seemingly nice, normal, Zain. It’s only after the two characters stop having sex that Arabella notices the condom they were using has been discarded on the floor, having obviously been taken off during sex. When she confronts Zain about it, feeling angry and betrayed, he simply offers the excuse: “I thought you could feel it.” Like Arabella, many people who experience stealthing in real life aren’t sure what to call it, or how to feel about it. As a society, we're gradually becoming more aware of the problematic nature of stealthing. Even so, it's important to continue discussing it openly, so we can help those who've experienced it and discourage others from ever doing it.
What is stealthing?
Stealthing is a colloquial term used to describe when someone deliberately removes a condom during sex without their partner’s knowledge or consent. Katie Russell from the charity Rape Crisis told BBC: "It's a very acceptable term for something that's extremely unacceptable and actually an act of sexual violence.”
As we all know, consenting to one sexual act doesn’t mean that you consent to them all – and when someone consents to protected sex, and then that protection is removed without their knowledge, the sex is no longer consensual. Ultimately, stealthing is sexual assault.
Is stealthing a crime?
Stealthing is recognised as a crime in some parts of the world. In British law, stealthing is recognised as rape, and there have also been convictions in Germany, Australia, Sweden and Switzerland. Russell explains: "If someone consents to a specific sexual act with you using contraception, and you change the terms of that agreement mid-act then that's a sexual offence.” Whether or not stealthing is punishable by law in your part of the world, it’s a form of sexual assault – and it is never, ever acceptable.
How does stealthing impact a person?
On a health level, stealthing exposes a person to the risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases, and for people who can conceive, unwanted pregnancies. On top of that, it’s a violation of a person’s boundaries and can greatly impact the survivor’s mental health. In an article for Broadly, Brodsky noted how people who had been ‘stealthed’ told her they’d experienced worries about practical health effects, as well as “a less concrete, but no less devastating harm: a grave betrayal.”
Stealthing is never the survivor’s fault
Many people who experience non-consensual condom removal report feeling shameful or guilty. But the fault lies solely with the person who removed the condom, and by highlighting and talking about the issue openly, we can help to remove the displaced sense of shame from the survivor.
If you’ve experienced stealthing, “It can be really helpful to talk to someone in confidence like a trusted friend, or family member, or a specialist confidential independent service,” says Russell. “They can just listen to you, support you and help you think through your options and what you might want to do in order to be able to cope with and recover from the traumatic experience.”
Stealthing serves as an example of why continued, enthusiastic consent during sex is so important. Whether you’re trying something new or switching positions, it’s always important to make sure your partner is comfortable and wants to proceed. It doesn't matter if you're in a long-term relationship, having a one-night stand, or if you've had a few dates with someone – you can always change your mind, have a conversation, or stop. Remember, if it isn’t an enthusiastic yes – it’s a no.