Lots of us have been going on virtual dates, which might be new territory. How are they different from in-person dates?
We interviewed dating expert and love coach Persia Lawson to find out how body language can reveal what we’re feeling, even on a virtual date.
(video is available on full article version)
Do you think a virtual date can be similar to a real life date? What are the main similarities and differences?
Yes they can be. A date is just an opportunity to get to know another person through verbal communication.
This can of course be achieved in real life, but you can learn just as much about a person via a virtual chat, too.
Similarities:
You will likely experience the same nervousness prior to either type of date as you worry it might be awkward/you’ll run out of things to say.
However, the benefit of a virtual date is that it’s much easier to cut it short! This will really take some of the pressure off.
You can ask the same questions on either date and get a good sense of what the other person is like, what they value, and whether or not your personalities and lifestyles are compatible.
Differences:
Dating in your tracksuit is ok, and you can do it from your sofa! So it can be a light hearted, fun experience, without the pressures of spending hours getting ready.
With virtual dating, sex is (pretty much!!) off the cards – which is a GOOD thing because it allows you to take it slower and assess whether you’re actually a good fit before jumping in to bed together (and causing unnecessary pain further down the line if you aren’t a match).
Chemistry on a virtual date is going to be more limited as you aren’t able to take physical cues of connection and intimacy without the ability to touch one another (or kiss/smell etc!)
What should the routine be before a virtual date? Is there anything we should do to prepare for it?
Make the effort you’d make if you were meeting IRL, but you want to make sure you feel good about yourself so that you’re emitting the best energy possible with the other person.
You basically want to feel like your best, most honest self, so do whatever makes you feel most comfortable.
Make sure you’re comfortable in the space you’re in, whether that’s lighting candles or having some of your favourite music playing in the background (but not too loud).
If you’re worried about potential awkward pauses, I’d recommend writing a list of questions or conversation topics beforehand - this will also help you get a good sense of the other person’s values.
Can the chemistry be the same on a virtual date as in real life? For example, can you still feel sensations like butterflies on a virtual date?
Absolutely! Obviously you’re not going to get the same experience of intimacy that comes from physical touch and proximity, but you can still very much feel attracted to someone’s personality and physicality.
In a strange way, not being able to touch can even amp up the attraction because when we can’t have a physical connection, it makes us want it even more.
Do people follow the same dating rules virtually as they do face to face?
Mostly, yes – with the following exceptions:
On a virtual date they don’t need to worry about practicalities, such as how to pay or split the bill.
On a virtual date it’s much easier to take things at a slower pace on the first date than it is on an IRL date.
People find it much easier to keep a first date short when it’s virtual, so there’s zero pressure around having to stay for longer than you wish to.
What behaviours should people avoid while virtual dating, and which ones would you like to see more of?
Avoid:
Being obnoxious – banter is fine, but there has to be a clear tone of kindness and respect.
Drinking too much – it’s definitely easier to hold back on the drinks on a virtual date as you’re not in a bar or pub, and the dates tend to be shorter.
Getting distracted by your phone – try to maintain eye contact and engage with the other person as much as you would if they were actually in the room with you.
Do more of:
Ask more interesting questions to get an idea of what the other person is really like (e.g. you could say ‘this is what you need to know about me to really know me’ and share something funny or even intimate about yourself, depending on the dynamic, then get them to do the same).
Also, it’s crucial to get a sense of whether you actually want the same things romantically – and whether they’re emotionally available or not (if you’re looking for a relationship).
Ask them when their last relationship was, and what they’re looking for in terms of dating and relationships – and share where you’re at, too.
It may feel daunting, but trust me, it’s best to be honest, you’ll save yourself a hell of a lot of unnecessary heartache!
Fun activities – how can you make a date more interesting? Perhaps you can cook together, or play a virtual game, or even join a virtual quiz and be team mates so you take the pressure off the date feeling too much like an interview.
It’s best to save activities for second dates and beyond, though – so that you have a general sense of the other person and whether or not you get on.
Be your honest self, relax and have fun with it!
What tips on body language would you give first time virtual daters?
I would actually argue conversation is more important than body language on virtual dates because you can’t always get an accurate reading of non-verbal signals from behind a screen.
However, make sure you look at the camera to show you’re engaged, try not to fiddle too much with your hair or any nearby objects which can be distracting, and it’s better to position yourself closer to the screen to cultivate a sense of intimacy.
At Badoo, we think it is important to suggest a virtual date as a first step, before taking the bigger leap of a real life date. Could virtual dates become a first step on the dating journey?
Yes, absolutely! I’ve had lots of clients telling me that they actually prefer the first date or two being virtual.
How could virtual dates be beneficial in this ‘new normal’ world we are adapting to?
I think this virtual step will stop you feeling you’ve wasted a whole evening if you don’t click with your date.
There’s also the argument that virtual dates are safer than IRL dates, so if you get a weird vibe on a virtual date you’ll know not to meet them in person.
In this respect, this whole experience has been quite beneficial for the dating world in the long run.
Given the current situation, do you think we'll be much pickier when it comes to going on a real life date?
I do, yes – especially as everyone is going to be so much more aware of social distancing.
If you’ve spent at least a few dates getting to know someone virtually, you’ll at least have a better sense if you’re actually compatible.
What changes in dating do you predict for the future?
I think this whole experience has made people realise what’s important and how much they’ve perhaps taken romantic partners and relationships for granted in the past.
It’s given time and space for everyone to get clear on what they actually want for their romantic future, rather than just falling into relationships with, or dating the wrong person with little thought as to whether this person is actually a good fit for you or not.
When busyness is no longer a viable excuse, you get to be honest with yourself about what aspects of your love life need looking at.
For example, do you need to do some healing around your last relationship? Do you need to examine your pattern of being attracted to emotionally unavailable people? Do you need to set yourself some boundaries around dating and relationships so you give yourself the best chance at a healthy, happy relationship in the future? These are all questions that you might not have had time to look at before.
The banal conversations are already being replaced with deeper questions and discussions on dates as you get a sense of what the other person is valuing or struggling with in light of this situation, and the transactional or superficial nature sometimes associated with modern dating is being exchanged for deeper and more honest connections.
The era of courtship has returned, too! Now that we’re being forced to have plenty of conversations with a potential partner before moving too quickly, we’re able to be more discerning and selective about whether someone is compatible prior to initiating a physical relationship with them.
This means we’re saving ourselves from a lot of potential heartache, and we’re also respecting ourselves, our bodies and each other a lot more – without even having to try that hard.
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You can also read more advice on how to have a virtual date.