Not respecting boundaries, always talking about themselves, quick to anger but slow to apologise – we all know the major red flags to look out for in relationships.
There’s even a popular TikTok trend where users list all the red flags they’ve come across: ranging from the funny (“his name started with a J”) to the more serious. But what about the signs and traits that signify we’re in a healthy relationship?
We spoke to two psychologists to nail down some of the lesser-talked about ‘green flags’, and highlight why they’re so important.
1. The connection gradually and consistently builds
Hands up if you immediately rule someone out if sparks aren’t flying on the first date? Many of us are probably guilty of doing this, having been brought up on a diet of rom-com meet-cutes. However, according to Dr. Sheva Assar, a licensed clinical psychologist, we may be missing out on something good if we disregard the slow burners. “It takes time to truly get to know someone, so it can actually be a positive sign if the connection and chemistry is gradually building rather than being fully present from the outset.”
“When there’s slow growth, it’s likely that you are getting to emotionally and authentically know your partner, rather than connecting over superficial/physical factors or perceptions. Slow growth, when consistent, can be a marker for long-term connection.”
2. Communication and interest are reciprocal
At Badoo, we don’t believe in playing games – if we’re all-in, we’re all-in. In saying that, it is important that our partner matches our energy and enthusiasm for the relationship. Dr. Assar explains “This can look different for each partner and relationship, as we each differ in our ways of expressing interest. However, a green flag could be shown through similar levels of interest, desire to connect and communicate, and investment within the relationship. For instance, it may be helpful to pay attention to if there’s a similar level of desire to see and be with one another, and remain connected even when physically apart.”
Talitha Fosh, a psychotherapist and owner of the Instagram account Therapised, adds “When your partner wants to and is excited/enthusiastic about putting things in the diary for you to do together, it’s a sign that they are thinking about you in their future.”
3. You can freely express negative feelings
“Being able to talk openly about feelings with your partner is so important,” says Fosh. In relationships, it can be really difficult to talk to our partner when they’ve done something to upset us, or when we’re having a hard time. We might be scared that they’ll dismiss our feelings, flip the script, or react in a defensive way. But Fosh says that one of the most important green flags to notice is when “Your partner allows and gives you space to express how you feel – without shutting you down or telling you ‘not’ to feel a certain way.”
By discussing relationship issues together, “Only then are you able to work on things as a team. The relationship is about being two pillars with a connecting arch - you both have your own lives but come together to support and encourage one another.”
Our partners allowing us space to talk about difficult emotions is a sign of emotional intelligence and respect. Tick, tick, tick.
4. Your partner celebrates you
When our partner doesn’t show interest in hearing about our day-to-day lives, or when we’ve achieved something we’re proud of, it can really sting – and it’s a major red flag. The green flag equivalent of this is “When your partner is able to celebrate you as a person as well as your achievements,” says Fosh. “When they’re able to be enthusiastic about all the good things you have in your life, whether that’s a promotion at work or achieving something that you've wanted to for a while. Having a partner who is able to be happy for you and celebrate your successes is really important.”
5. Your partner has boundaries of their own
Fosh tells us that another green flag is “When your partner not only respects your boundaries but also has boundaries of their own – saying when something doesn’t work for them.” For a relationship to be healthy, both parties need to clearly communicate their own boundaries and be respectful of each other’s. Boundaries in a relationship might look like reserving a couple of nights a week to catch up with friends, or speaking up about financial boundaries – whether you’re comfortable footing the bill or want to split it. When a partner sets a boundary or says ‘no’ to something, Fosh explains “It can be hard to not take this personally, but this is a great sign that your partner respects themself and has enough self worth to put themselves first.” It also suggests that they’ll understand when you do the same – a win-win situation.
6. There’s predictability and security within the relationship
Be-gone, roller-coaster emotions; a healthy relationship should make you feel secure, comfortable, and free to be yourself. “A healthy relationship is one in which, with time, you ideally feel a greater sense of comfort/security, as well as know more of what you can expect from your partner and the relationship,” says Dr. Assar. “The sense of predictability, although it may not be as exciting, can be indicative of long-term potential and success. Being able to predict more of what we can expect from our partners, as well as the relationship, can promote the sense of freedom, connection, and safety we feel in a relationship.”
So there we have it. Move over red flags – we're all about the green ones now.
Let’s hope we see lots of them during our next rendezvous!
