How To Feel Confident with Sex Talk

We’ve all seen sex talk, or dirty talk, on our screens, but it’s not always as plain sailing as it looks. Sex talk isn’t a one-size-fits-all exercise, and it may not come naturally at first. But rather than panic and blurt out, “Spank me” to your partner or partners, we’re here to help you ease yourself into sexual talk, so you can talk dirty with confidence and be more assertive in bed.

Most of us want to whisper filthy nothings, it's just that the thought of getting it wrong terrifies us. Too crass and you'll be appalled; too clean and you'll cringe. Most dirty talk sounds completely ridiculous outside of the bedroom, but at the time it's totally hot—trust us. 

Sex talk doesn’t have to be complicated.

Dirty talk is a sexual practice in which partners use words and sounds to increase arousal and mutual sexual pleasure. Dirty talk can include single sounds or words (for example “yes,” “more,” or a moan), full phrases that describe what’s happening, or more complex ideas that detail upcoming action or construct a fantasy. 

You can use dirty talk in many different settings: during foreplay or sexual intercourse, in solo masturbation sessions, or in long-distance relationships to foster intimacy and sexual wellness between partners.

No need to channel a porn star right out of the gate. There is not a definitive list of things to say during sex. Say what feels natural to you in the moment, and don’t feel like you must construct some elaborate narrative beforehand. This isn’t some weird sex monologue; you don’t have to talk the whole time. Even just a well-placed “I can’t wait to feel you inside me” as you walk through the door or when you kiss can do the trick.

Aim to be playful and start early. When your partner is off at work or running errands, drop some hints about how much you want to play later. This can generate excitement and anticipation for when you finally get down to it.

Research shows that people who are more comfortable talking about sex in their everyday lives have more satisfying sex lives*. If you never talk about sex, it’s not necessarily going to be any easier getting chatty in bed, so don’t shy away from talking about it with your partner at other times.

And if it is a one night stand you are after, why wait until you get them home? Start at the bar, or over dinner. That way, by the time you take their clothes off they will know exactly how to talk dirty to you and will be more assertive.

Like any good rollercoaster ride, the thrill is in the build. And like many roller coasters, how to talk dirty is not exclusive to going on them again and again— for some once may simply be enough, so here are some top tips on sex talk, and how to get a thrill out of talking dirty from a one-night stand to a long-standing partner. 

People who enjoy dirty talk in their sex lives often have particular words and phrases that they prefer in the bedroom. These preferences can range from enjoying a specific word more than another or preferring a certain tone of talk ( see below). Dirty talk can also offer additional insights into what your partner may enjoy exploring in the future. Take note if they mention a particular sex position or sex toy during their talk and see if they want to try it out later.

Even though dirty talk has a reputation for always being sultry, serious, and kinky, it can also be more innocent. You and your partner may find that you both enjoy a tone that’s cute or teasing, or a sillier style with lots of laughs. Try out different tones during sexual activities or pay attention to what happens naturally when you’re with your partner and replicate the tone they enjoy.

If you can’t think of sexy things to say when talking dirty, simply make it a compliment. Telling your partner that you love the way they do something or complimenting a particular part of their body is a great way to make them feel good. You can also comment on your arousal levels as a type of compliment, for instance, communicating how aroused you feel or letting them know you love how their body looks when they’re aroused.

If you’re drawing a blank when it comes to dirty talk, erotica can offer some useful inspiration. Erotica, or stories written about sex to arouse the reader, contains a wealth of ideas for talking about sex in the bedroom. Find a few stories that you like and see if you can implement some ideas in your dirty talk with your partner.

If you or your partner are interested in dirty talk but feel a little shy or nervous about how to start face-to-face, consider trying it out over text first. Sexting can offer a more relaxed environment for first-time dirty talkers because it puts distance between you and your partner, and you can take your time to come up with the best response. You can also spice up your sexts with sensual photos or audio messages, but always make sure to ask first if intimate or sexual digital behaviour is wanted.

Getting feedback after talking dirty can help finetune your performance. After your session has wound down, consider asking your partner what they liked most or weren’t quite as into. This type of pillow talk is a great way to solicit tips for improving your sexual partner. Be courteous as you and your partner talk. If they have a few critiques, accept them thankfully and avoid getting defensive or upset. Next time you talk dirty, whether with the same partner or someone new, make a conscious effort to implement that feedback for an even better experience.

The point of dirty talk is to have a fun sexual experience with your partner. If you try out dirty talk and you’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or self-conscious to the point that you’re not having fun, take a break. You can try again later or even decide that dirty talk just isn’t for you.

Developing greater sexual confidence can make it easier to connect with your partner and have fulfilling, satisfying sex together. Confidence isn’t something that develops overnight. It is completely normal to have off days, and days you just don’t feel like it. Take it slow, like all great orgasms this is a marathon, not a sprint. Instead, focus on gradual improvements and, as time passes, you’ll likely notice that sex talk feels less difficult and more of a natural thing for you.

*Rick Roels MD,MSc and Erick Janssen PhD (2020) The Journal of Sexual Medicine. Available at https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1743609520307165 (Accessed 30 August 2023)