How To Have Safe Sex Discussions With a New Partner

Having safer sex is something we all know we should do, but maybe not all of us practise it as well as we should. Some people may feel that bringing up the conversation of safe sex is a ‘mood killer’, while others may make an assumption that their partner is already on contraception.

Figuring out how to talk about sex with your partner – new or long-term— is key for your relationship and respective healths.

When you first start seeing someone, it can feel like you’re the only two people that exist in the world, but the truth is that most people will have a sexual history that extends way beyond this relationship. When your health is on the line, it's important to know where you stand and what questions to ask about sex.

Don't wait until the heat of the moment to bring up the subject. This can lead to awkward encounters, or precautions not being taken. Instead, when the sparks signal that sex is likely in your future, have the discussion upfront. Agree to be prepared when you're ready for the next stage, whether that means next weekend, weeks from now, or in an hour.

Below we cover everything from what to do before having sex, to how to ask someone to get tested. It’s so important to ensure that when you do have sex with your partner, you are doing so safely and confidently.

Before talking to your partner about safe sex, it's important to understand the basics, such as the difference between contraception and an STI.

Sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are spread predominantly by unprotected sexual contact. An STI is an infection that is typically passed between two people through unprotected sexual shenanigans—and that doesn’t just mean penetrative sex. Oral sex can put you at risk, too, as well as the sharing of dildos and other sex toy accessories.

If you’re sexually active and don't use a condom every time, have had more than one sexual partner, and your partner has, too, then you’re at risk. 

In its simplest form, contraception is the act of preventing pregnancy. It can also be a minefield. With so many options to choose from, more accessible than ever before, it’s little surprise that people are left weighing up pills, patches and everything in between. When it comes to deciding on the right contraception, it’s certainly not a one-size-fits-all approach. Everything from age to weight to lifestyle can have an effect on which contraceptive suits your needs, so it’s vital that anyone making this choice is clued up on the different options out there, and the potential subsequent side effects.

It is important that you discuss it either with your GP, your local family planning clinic, or a gynaecologist if you have any specific medical concerns.

Don’t make it a big deal or an occasion, instead talk about it when you would normally catch up, like when you are watching TV together at home. People tend to feel less pressure and are more at ease if you're sitting next to one another. Assure your partner that there's no judgement involved, you'd simply like to know more about their life before you.

If you'd like your partner to get tested before you sleep together, consider asking your partner to accompany you when you go. If they are hesitant about testing and sharing results, your willingness to open up may help.

People can feel uncomfortable or even ashamed of getting tested, but they really shouldn’t. It is just as important to look after your sexual health as it is your mental or physical health, whether you are in a monogamous relationship or not.

It is also something that shouldn’t just be done once. Maintain the dialogue throughout the duration of your relationship. If you and your partner have sexual partners outside of just yourselves, then you will want to consider getting tested more frequently.

Like it or not, condoms are the most reliable form of contraception for protecting against STI’s other than abstinence itself. We all have friends who have gone to bed with a new partner who has told them, at the moment, that they don’t like using condoms. If you find yourself in the same situation, try one of these approaches:

Yes, many men have difficulty getting and maintaining erections without having to put another barrier, literally, between an unreliable penis and a welcoming partner. Research has found that between 14% and 28% of male participants experience erection loss during condom application and 10–20% experience erection loss during intercourse while using a condom.

The solution isn't to toss the condoms in the bin, but to find ways to eroticize condom use.

Make sure all the discussions about safer sex have already taken place, so it's understood that one of you will reach for the condom when the time comes. If they enjoy it, use a vibrator to give his penis a boost before or after dressing him with a condom. Keep the foreplay going, keep kissing and stroking while the condom is going on and afterwards.

Talking about safer sex isn’t a one-time conversation, and you may well need to revisit the topic even if you’ve been with someone for decades. No, that doesn’t mean you are suspicious that your partner has been up to no good behind your back.

It might become necessary to change the contraception you’re using – for example, a particular hormonal method may stop being suitable because of side-effects, interactions with other medications a partner has begun taking.

Herpes is one STI that may lay dormant in the body for months if not years, then pop up unexpectedly.

Making it a regular, normal thing to discuss how you’re feeling about sex is an important part of making sex feel better all round, as you and your needs and desires evolve both as a couple and as individuals.

Sex should not be used as a tool to control or manipulate someone, but as a physical expression of the love and desire you feel for each other. Consent is about giving an enthusiastic "yes". More than just being granted permission to engage in romantic and sexual activity, enthusiastic consent is also expressed through nonverbal cues, such as positive body language like smiling, maintaining eye contact, and nodding.

No matter how eager your partner is to get physical, it’s important that you only do so when you are totally ready. Anyone who respects you, will respect your feelings and will be happy to wait.