How To Build Intimacy in Your Relationship

What does it truly mean to be intimate? Some of us may be in long-term relationships and not actually feel intimately connected with our partners. Others may have not known someone long, yet feel a strong physical or emotional connection.

Our default when we think of intimacy is to think of physical acts, like holding hands, cuddling, and even sex. But intimacy encompasses much much more. And the more we can understand and build on it, the better our relationships will be. 

Sex, love and relationships coach, Andrea Balboni, argues that: “If before we understood intimacy as a physical and emotional experience with another, we now understand intimacy’s definition in a much more nuanced way.” Below, she takes us through the many ways we now understand intimacy.

This can be defined as a sense of safety and security. “It’s the familiarity and sense of ‘home’ we crave. Living together and spending time together,” says Andrea. 

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Andrea describes it as: “sexual attraction, passion, and the mystery of the erotic.” Beyond just sex, sexual intimacy can improve your mental health, your immune system, and even your sleep. 

Andrea describes this as “emotional understanding and uncompromising compassion.” If you think of emotional intimacy as the base of a relationship, other layers of intimacy (including sexual) can be strengthened as a result of strong emotional intimacy. 

We achieve alchemical intimacy with “someone who encourages us to take more risks in work and life so we grow and evolve as a result.” Relationship goals, basically. 

Essentially this is communication, how easily we can communicate with our partners and talk through both “the big stuff of life” and the “day-by-day stuff.” This one sounds easier to create than it sometimes is. 

We all want someone who ‘gets us.’ Andrea explains, “We want to share our bigger vision for life with one another and feel that they are on board with it.” 

“The more you know of yourself, the more trust and safety you build within you, the more you’ll be able to show and share with another,” says Andrea. This applies for both emotional and physical intimacy with yourself. Get to know how you really feel and what you actually want, so you can ask for it. Journaling can be a great tool for this. 

This also encompasses exploring your physical desires. If you’re working out how to be confident in bed with a new partner, ask yourself: do you prefer softer forms of intimacy like being tickled, or maybe you’re more of a spanking kind of person? There are no wrong answers here. But a level of self-awareness will allow you to build intimacy within your relationship, too.

Breaking down our walls can be difficult, but by doing so and being vulnerable with your partner, you’re inadvertently saying to them, ‘I trust you with this information.’ Andrea tells us that: “True intimacy wants safety and trust. In early stage dating, open communication and consistency help to build this.” 

Be careful not to overwhelm in the early days. Rather than being vulnerable in every area of your life at once, pick one place to start, and build from there. This is called strategic vulnerability.

We all know that maintaining intimacy can be especially hard in long-term relationships. “Over time we tend to fall into patterns or rhythms that feel comfortable, and not very exciting.” says Andrea. “Intimacy is an action verb,” and therefore something we need to continually create for ourselves. In relationships, we crave stability, but also novelty. If a partner becomes too much of one or the other, affections can begin to wane, so here are some ways to shake things up: 

The daily pressures of jobs, bills, kids and other wider commitments can get in the way of us really putting effort into romance. The added mundanity of potentially living together and having the same routines, week on week, can be a bit of a vibe kill. 

Andrea’s advice is to “consider what you’d like to experience more of with your partner and ask for it. Or get creative and think of ways that you can explore new terrain together.” Any form of spontaneity which breaks up your routine can spur on greater intimacy. Consider: a change of scenery, a weekend getaway, starting dance lessons, visiting more galleries or plays, or exploring new restaurants. Even just switching up your daily routine with a lunchtime walk where you can really chat, or putting on your favourite song and having a dance before dinner, can help.

We’re constantly evolving and changing, and so will our relationships. It’s important to take the time to explore our partners’ evolving desires, and feel like that’s reciprocated. Ask them what their love language is and how they like to be shown affection, or what they’d like to try sexually that perhaps you haven’t before. Andrea advises “considering ways to explore your sexual edge with your partner.” Perhaps there’s a fetish you’d both consider exploring, experimenting with bondage restraints or a fantasy you’re yet to play out. 

On an emotional level, Andrea tells us to “get curious—whilst you’ve been with the person sitting in front of you for a long time, what might be shifting and changing for them. Have you asked?” 

Below is a list of questions to help you build intimacy, no matter where you are in your relationship. A good time to ask them is a casual one-on-one setting; maybe out for a meal, or on a lunchtime walk. It might just give you deeper insight into who your other half really is beneath the surface, and how you can build your relationship better.