Written by Millie Gooch
There are a few things I never imagined I’d do without a glass of wine in hand – and dating was certainly one of them. That was until three years ago when I decided (thanks largely in part to two-day hangovers and my rapidly declining mental health) that I was going to give up alcohol. I suddenly found myself single, swiping, and sober.
The good news is that whilst I imagined my dating-without-drinking experience would be a string of polite rejections and awkward encounters, it was in fact, the complete opposite. It’s been an enjoyable, less regretful period of my life that has resulted in me finding a handsomely-dimpled Scorpio with dad-like humour and a love of cleaning. Yes, I really did hit the jackpot.
Still, if you remain unconvinced as to why sober dating might be the key to finding a life-partner, allow me (someone who has also done her fair share of drunk dating) to elaborate on the key differences.
So...what's sober dating like?
Firstly, and scientifically, alcohol affects our pre-frontal cortex. This is the part of our brain that helps us focus our attention, predicts the consequences of our actions, manages emotional reactions, and plans for the future. In real terms, this means that as a drunk dater you might be ignoring red flags and, depending on how many cocktails you’ve knocked back, might not really even be listening to the person opposite you at all.
When I was still drinking, I emerged from most of my dates passionately announcing to my friends via Whatsapp that yes, I had in fact found my soulmate. It was only during our next meeting when they’d make some wild declaration about finding feminism ridiculous and no longer necessary in the 21st century that I realised I’d failed to pick up on some very obvious deal-breakers.
Alcohol also has a habit of creating a spark where there otherwise wouldn’t be one. Whether it was down to lowered inhibitions or the age-old beer-goggles concept, I often found myself less attracted to people when I saw them on a second date. The picture I’d built up from our last encounter had me envisioning them as a cross between Ryan Gosling and Idris Elba – it was a recipe for disappointment.
Sober dating gave me greater clarity and an ability to spot any obvious no-no’s. It also meant I could work out straight away whether I was actually attracted to someone, or whether it was the two glasses of wine I’d downed shortly before meeting them. Without alcohol, I could give space for a connection to grow naturally, rather than forcing one through the means of tequila and flat-out asking my date if they liked me.
When I told people I didn’t drink, 95% of them reacted positively. “You’re so boring” (the reaction I’d imagined) was replaced by “Wow, it’s very attractive that you have the confidence to go on a date sober.” It was refreshing because I’d always assumed my only way to unlock greater attractiveness was via a bottle of fake tan and a push-up bra.
The most important thing I learned from sober dating was that alcohol is synthetic confidence. Aptly named liquid courage for a reason, alcohol will give you an instant confidence boost and settle any pre-date jitters – but when it’s gone, it’s gone and when it’s gone, you’ll want it again.
Slowly but surely, a lot of us have come to rely on alcohol for our confidence, especially when it comes to dating – but what if we built it innately? What if every time we pushed through a scary or uncomfortable situation like dating without alcohol, we built a different type of confidence – one that’s within us? One that doesn’t dissipate the next morning, that sticks around, and that we can build upon. A bank of inner confidence, so that every time we go on a date, we have a library of positive experiences to draw on and then file away in a mental cabinet labelled ‘Things I got through without wine or crying.’
How do I ditch the drinks on a date?
There’s no magic secret to gaining dating confidence without alcohol. It’s just about doing it over and over again until it becomes less scary, until you feel like you’re owning it, until it becomes normal. Leading up to that point, there are a few things you can do to ease yourself in.
Firstly, consider day dating – this usually takes the idea of a heavy drinking session straight off the table. Going for a walk or meeting up for coffee are both great opportunities to get an idea of who your date is, without all the dim lighting and romantic background music.
Activity dates are also great – things like mini-golf, bowling, those pedalling boats at the park; basically anything that means you aren’t sitting opposite someone having to constantly think up quippy, talk show host-like questions.
Lastly, location is everything. If you’re going to a bar, suggest one with a great alcohol-free selection so you aren’t stuck with a pint of Diet Coke. Choose somewhere you can actually hear your date speak, preferably somewhere not too far from home so you can drive if you want to.
The key to sober dating (and all dating, really) is to get yourself in a good pre-date headspace. No one wants to grab the wine faster than the girl who left choosing her outfit until the last minute and now can’t find anything that isn’t covered in foundation. Plan your outfit ahead of time, shake off nervous energy with exercise, meditate, give yourself extra time to do your make-up, put on a sassy playlist – whatever will give you confidence without defaulting to vodka.
My last piece of advice is to always tell potential dates ahead of time if you’re not drinking, not really for their sake, but yours. As I said, 95% of people reacted really positively to my lifestyle choice – but I’d be lying if I said the other 5% were just on the fence. A few people were less than complimentary, a couple called me boring, and one even asked me how he was supposed to get into my knickers if I wasn’t drinking. So, TRUST ME when I say that telling them upfront is better – mainly to save yourself wasting any time on a date with someone who problematically assumes that women have to be drunk to have sex.
Sober dating isn’t for everyone, but if you’re tired of writing off the next day, feel like having a swiping shake-up, or just enjoy pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, then I urge you to give it a go. You might surprise yourself.
Millie Gooch is the founder of Sober Girl Society, an online and real-life space for women who don't drink alcohol.
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