Written by Ellie Carter
As much as it’s hard to admit when we’re wrong, in relationships, we’re quite often faced with having to say those two difficult words: “I’m sorry.” But sometimes, those two words just aren’t enough, for us or our partners. So, how do we make amends? That’s where knowing your apology language can help...
You’ve probably heard of the 5 love languages, and at some point, made your significant other do the quiz to find out more about them (if you haven’t, we recommend it!). Now, the love languages quiz makers have created a brand new one to help you figure out your apology language. To put it plainly, love languages help you tell or show a person you love them, whilst apology languages are how you tell or show a person you’re sorry.
What are the different apology languages?
Just like love languages, there are five categories. When you take the quiz, you might find that you’re a combination of all five or heavily swayed towards one; everyone is different.
1. Expressing regret
The first category is…expressing regret. After an argument, if you need to hear someone grovel and let you know how much they regret their actions, then this might be your apology language. Sometimes simply saying “I really regret how I acted towards you” can be enough for you to move on.
2. Accepting responsibility
Hands up if you want people to stop with the excuses and take full responsibility for their actions? If you prefer someone to admit their mistakes without trying to downplay them, this apology language might ring true for you. Rather than hearing “I was late because the traffic was a nightmare,” people with this apology language prefer “I’m sorry I was late, I should have left time for traffic. Completely my bad.”
3. Genuinely repent
People with this apology language need to be provided with reassurance that the mistake or problem won’t happen again. Genuine repentance basically means one partner telling the other how they’ll make sure the situation doesn’t repeat itself. If this is your partner’s apology language, rather than saying, “I’m sorry I yelled at you”, try saying “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I acted out of emotion, and next time I’ll take 5 minutes to calm down before we talk.”
4. Making restitution
We’d be surprised if this wasn’t one of the most popular apology languages. Making restitution is when you tell someone how you’re going to make it up to them. For example, if your partner cooked you dinner and you turned up late, they might appreciate you offering to do the washing up and cooking for them next time. Or, if you cancelled plans with your partner at the last minute, you could apologise by planning a special day out together.
Tip: This is also where love languages can be used to inform how you can make it up to them.
5. Requesting forgiveness
This one has been described as the most complex apology language and one of the most important. Psychologists say that people find asking for forgiveness difficult because it means accepting the possibility of rejection and admitting failure. But this is what makes someone saying “I’m really sorry, do you think you’ll be able to forgive me?”, so appealing. It clearly shows an admission of guilt, with no beating around the bush.
So why should you find out your apology language?
Have you ever sat down after an argument and thought “I wish my partner would genuinely repent and make restitution?”. Unless you’re a psychologist or just an exceptional, gold star communicator, likely, you haven’t even thought about it. But knowing our apology languages adds another layer of understanding to our relationships. When both partners know how to say sorry in a personal, tailored way, it makes the apology so much more meaningful and can help cool down heated situations. Basically, it’s a great communication tool to keep in your pocket – and will hopefully save you lots of time and emotional energy.
How can you find out your apology language?
It’s easy: take the quiz. It takes around 15 minutes to complete, and some of the questions feel quite repetitive – but that’s the price we have to pay to become communication masters!
