By Daisy Chandler

When I was fifteen, I fell pregnant, and my son Max was born when I was sixteen. Max’s dad and I met in the park while we were still at school, and I remember thinking that he looked like Prince Harry! We went for our first official date in the same park and then he asked me to be his girlfriend at a house party. Obviously, one thing led to another, Max is here and is now nine years old.

I was with Max’s dad for a few months before I found out that I was pregnant. We stayed together until Max was about one, after which we were on and off for a year before we finally ended things. After that, I was mostly single for the next five or six years. When Max was around seven years old, I had my first serious adult relationship, and we were together for over a year. None of the men I was seeing actually met Max, and I was very much leading a double life: someone who was dating, and then separately, Max’s mum.

Navigating dating apps as a single mother

I was seventeen when I broke up with Max’s dad, just a baby myself, and then at 18, I discovered dating apps. I remember sitting down to write my profile bio, and wondering what information I should include about myself - ‘Eighteen, blonde, 5”3’ - then thinking: “I have a child. He’s here. He exists. He’s a huge part of my life, but should I tell people that I’m a mum?”.

I actively made the decision not to include the fact that I had a child in my bio because I thought it would put people off dating me. I had seen it happen firsthand when I’d been flirting with boys in person. As soon as I mentioned that I had a kid, their faces changed, and they saw me completely differently. They saw me as a ball and chain, handcuffs, a white picket fence, a life that they weren’t ready for. All of that is understandable, but they didn’t once ask me about what I was going through. I was so nervous about having to drop the fact that I had a child into the conversation when I matched with someone. Sometimes, even when I'd been talking to a guy for weeks, as soon as I mentioned Max, he’d unmatch me or block me.

Even though I thought I was protecting myself by not saying I had a son in my dating app bio, I felt so guilty. I also wondered why I felt I had to hide this part of my life – a part that actually, I was (and am) really proud of. I felt that a lot of people thought I was on dating apps looking for my next baby daddy or someone to take care of me, and that wasn’t the case at all. I didn’t even consider asking myself whether I would actually want to be with someone that didn’t give me the time of day because I was a mother.

How to tell someone you’re dating about your children

Eventually, it got to the point where I was just sick and tired of the same narrative happening over and over again. I realised that the best thing to do was to tell people about my son straight off the bat by having it in my bio. I finally saw that it was good to cut my selection down by getting rid of the people who would ghost me later down the line. I finally said: “This is me, give me a chance and if you aren’t willing to – I don’t want to know you anyway.” I moved past wanting the validation of these people that I didn't even know.

My most recent boyfriend really changed my concept of dating and being a mum because it just wasn't an issue for him. After being honest with him on our first date, he asked me what days worked around Max and offered to have our next date at the park so Max could play with his friends. The biggest learning I took away from this relationship is that people like people who are real. We had problems of course, as every couple does, but he showed me that me being a mum was a great thing.

Burning the dating checklist

I think my attitude to being a mum and dating has changed as I've gotten older, mainly because I've changed as a person. I used to have an unattainable list of what I wanted in a partner, and when I look back, I see I was cutting off my nose to spite my face. Now, I've burnt the checklist.

I wrote down a quote on my phone the other day because I loved it so much: “If everyone had to be perfect before they fell in love, the human race would die out.” People always say: “I want someone who knows what they want”, “I want someone who knows who they are” or “I want someone who’s got their shit together”, but as people, we’re constantly changing. I’ve realised it's not so much about a partner being problem-free, but more about seeing how they deal with their problems or challenges.

Put simply, all I want is someone that’s kind and makes me laugh – someone that I can describe as a good person. This sounds a little selfish, but what I’m looking for romantically now is a person that's just for me. I share so much as a mum and as a parent – nothing is my own. I want someone who sees me in a way that no one else sees me.

I also think about how much I can or am willing to take on – and I want that from the person I’m dating. I want them to be honest about what they can handle and what they can give. I think it would be easier for me to be with someone who has a child in some senses because they’ll understand that I won’t be able to drop everything to go on holiday with them and they’ll be on my side if I'm having difficulties with Max’s dad. They won’t offer roundabout advice, they’ll just get it. I can explain to my family and friends what it’s like to have a kid, but they don’t fully understand, so knowing the person I’m with also had the responsibility of a whole other life in their hands would probably make for a better relationship.

Tips for single parents who are dating

I want to tell other single mums, and parents, that while dating is not going to be straightforward, it’s not impossible. Have faith in people and let yourself be vulnerable. Try to be honest with yourself about what you want and don’t be afraid to say no and have standards. Secure your future for you and your child, and your person will come.

I went on a date years ago with a guy that also had a child. We were both about 19, and our children were around two. He noticed that I had a good relationship with Max’s dad and asked me for advice about his relationship with his ex-partner. It was the first time I'd been able to give advice about being a parent. It was such a great experience: I got to express what it was like to be a young mum and he was really listening. It was so refreshing to be able to have that conversation. I’d advise other young parents to try going on a date with someone else who has kids, just to share those worries and bits of advice.

Advice if you’re dating someone who has children

If you cancel on a single parent last minute, know that they’re going to be gutted because they’ll have had to find a babysitter. Please have consideration for the fact that a lot of effort has gone into meeting for a drink for a few hours. Something you can do by picking up your keys and heading out the door has taken them a week or more of planning – it feels like a military operation! I've made a deal with myself now that if someone cancels on me at the last minute for a hollow reason, I'll never see them again. They haven’t thought about me or my life at all in that scenario, so I’m just setting myself up to be let down.

If you’re dating a single parent: be patient, please be patient. I know dating someone with responsibilities can be frustrating, but I’d bet that the other person is even more frustrated at the obstacles in their life. Single parents are already dealing with so much.

Patience, understanding, a little consideration, being honest with your intentions; that’s all a single parent needs. It’s not so different from what your average person needs – when you really think about it.