Written by Almaz Ohene

When you match with someone on a dating app, it’s good to remember that you’re entitled to as much space and time as you want to build a connection with someone before agreeing to meet them in real life. Although the length of this chatting stage will be different for everyone, it’s worth thinking about how to set boundaries with your match. Boundaries are basic guidelines that people create for themselves to establish how others ought to behave and communicate with them. Setting boundaries can ensure that relationships are mutually respectful, appropriate and caring.

Though establishing boundaries might feel nerve-wracking, the goal of instilling them is to allow greater, invited intimacy between you and someone else. To get started, think about things like how comfortable you are being alone with this person, how long you think you’d like the date to be, how far you’d be comfortable going physically (and sexually), and also the level of safety you’d feel setting emotional boundaries.

We asked Sue Newsome, qualified sex and relationship therapist how daters might go about setting a range of boundaries before the first date.

What might emotional boundaries look like?

“Emotional boundaries are really about being listened to and being heard. You need to have an understanding of what’s important to you. Then, when you go on a date, you should make sure you're checking in on those needs,” Sue says. “It’s not that you should declare ‘I want to be listened to!’ at the beginning of the date (because that may sound a bit odd and be off-putting), but that notion is so fundamental. Be aware of how often they express curiosity about you. Are you just being talked at?”.

What might physical boundaries look like?

“Notice whether you feel comfortable with where they are in relation to your physical space. If you feel that they’re too close, move your chair around them a little,” says Sue. Some other examples of physical boundaries to consider are as follows:

• How soon are they attempting physical contact? Has this come before you’ve even found out where they live? And if so, is this too soon for you?
• Has their hand landed on your leg but you don’t like it? Sue suggests gently putting your hand on theirs, moving it off and saying something like “This doesn’t feel okay for me right now.”
• If someone is moving in for a kiss, and that’s ok with you, a boundary could look like starting off with lip contact, but no tongues. Then, once you start to feel comfortable, you can both make adjustments to this boundary.

Why do lots of people find it challenging to set boundaries?

“The real fundamental thing here is that we're often really scared that our match won't like us if we assert ourselves or are trying to be clear about what we like and don’t like,” says Sue. “We may carry beliefs or ideas about what we mean when we’re clear about what we need and want, e.g. ‘Will setting boundaries give them the impression that I’m overly selfish?’.”

How can people get better at setting boundaries around dating?

“First of all, we’ve got to be clear with ourselves,” says Sue. “There may be some things that are what we call ‘hard boundaries’ which are for the most part non-negotiable. An example of a hard boundary could be ‘I’m not going to have sex on the first date’. There are also likely to be other personal boundaries that are more to do with preference. You can practice having that conversation with yourself – because if we have it with ourselves, then there’s a much better chance that we're going to be able to have it with another person.”

How can people respond with kindness and grace to other people's boundaries?

“I think the most important thing is to acknowledge and thank them for having the conversation with you,” says Sue. “If I had an expectation of how something was going to unfold on a date, and the person said it wasn’t OK for them, then naturally, I’d be disappointed. But it’s important to respect their preferences and thank them for speaking up.”

If you can acknowledge the other person’s boundaries, then there’s a greater possibility that they’re going to acknowledge and respect yours. “That’s a great place to be in, in terms of things being able to then develop and the dating experience to be an enjoyable one,” says Sue.

It’s worth remembering that if someone doesn’t respect or repeatedly crosses any of the boundaries that you’ve set with them, this should be a red flag and give you an insight into how the relationship might look in the future. If they’re not willing to respect your boundaries now, have a think about what that might mean for you further down the line. If someone is making you feel unsafe, and/or is exhibiting problematic behaviour, you can always block and report them to Badoo. Remember: you don’t owe anyone an explanation of why you have specific boundaries–they’re yours to set and should always be respected.