Telling a new partner about your struggles with mental health can feel like a big deal. While conversations about mental health and mental illness are becoming more common (thankfully), it can still be nerve-wracking to discuss when you’re in the early stages of dating someone. But if you’re someone who struggles with a mental health condition, you deserve for your partner to support you, especially when you’re experiencing pain because of it. Whether it’s anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, or another mental health issue – we’ve got some tips on how to bring up your condition with your new beau, and how to make it as stress-free as possible.
Do you feel ready?
For people with a mental illness, it’s generally a good idea to disclose your condition with the person you’re dating. After all, they’re hopefully going to be a big part of your life. The important thing to remember is to do so when it feels right to you – when you feel that you have a good understanding of your condition, know what you need support with, and what expectations you have for your partner. Mental health issues can open the door for miscommunication in relationships: when one person acts a certain way and the other interprets the situation completely differently. For example, if someone with depression needs time to decompress and sit with their thoughts, their partner may think they’re being purposefully cold. Talking and explaining is useful, but remember that there’s no set time when it’s ‘right’ to talk to your partner about a mental illness. It’s completely up to you.
Are you somewhere you're comfortable?
It can help to bring up sensitive topics with a partner when you’re doing another activity. You could consider having a chat when you’re doing something relaxing, like walking or cooking dinner, to make things a little less intense. Relate, a relationship support charity, explains “You can talk about mental health issues in the same way you might have any other conversation in your relationship: by finding a good time, place, and having a proper, non-confrontational chat.”
What do you want to say?
If you’re at a stage in your dating journey or relationship where you think it would be beneficial for your partner to know about your illness, planning what you’re going to say can really help. That might be in your head, or on a piece of paper. Keeping it simple, you could explain calmly what you understand of your condition and how you could see it affecting your relationship now and then. Dating and Relationship Coach Kate Mansfield suggests: “Make sure to express to your partner that it has nothing to do with them. Be realistic and honest about your situation. Often, discussing it can actually create deeper intimacy and connection if handled properly and with sensitivity.”
What do you need support with?
Once you’ve explained the above points, this is your opportunity to specify what help you need from your partner. For example, you could say “sometimes I really need space, which is nothing to do with you and isn’t a reflection of how I feel about us.” If you’d prefer not to be told how to manage your condition, you could say something like: “When I feel like this, what really helps is being listened to. I don’t really need to hear solutions – talking it out with someone is enough.” Stating your needs and reassuring your partner at the same time can really help smooth out misunderstandings. Kate advises articulating what you need “with care and love, making sure that you keep communication direct and clear.”
Keep looking after you!
Kate explains, “Nobody can rescue another person, and it's very important to keep your relationship healthy by being there but also looking after yourself first. Often we feel guilt and confusion, both as the unwell party and the other person, but there's no need to - all parties should aim to bring compassion and acceptance of the situation.” Continue to do the things you know help to manage your condition: whether that’s taking regular medication, going to therapy, getting enough rest or simply showing yourself love. Kate continues: “As the unwell person, try to get help outside of the relationship as well as expecting this from your partner, otherwise, it might put a strain on the connection.” Regularly talking to other people in your life about your wellbeing, like friends and family, helps take the pressure off.
If you’re the partner of someone who has a mental illness, there are some helpful things you can do for them – and yourself. Research their condition, ask if it’s ok to learn a bit more by asking them gentle questions, show understanding, and look after your own needs too.
While mental illness affects many of us and can have a big impact on day to day life, it’s important to remember that it’s just one part of you. You’re so much more than a diagnosis – from the way you dance to your favourite films, the music you listen to, the subjects you’re passionate about and the way you look after your loved ones. Mental illness doesn’t define you, and people with mental health conditions can make fantastic, loving, fun, caring partners.
All of us will struggle with our mental health in one way or another, and each person’s experience is as unique as the person themselves. Be gentle with yourself and your partner, and reach out for further support if you need to.
UK-based mental health helpline Calm signposts to mental health charities across the world. Check out their website for information on where to find help in your area.
