Psychologists say that we learn how to love from our families. Sometimes, by looking at our parents' relationships we might figure out what we don’t want for our lives, but in my two mums I have only ever seen the kind of love I want to experience myself.
Growing up in a small rural town, I was very aware from a young age that my family looked, and was, different. Though it was never something I was uncomfortable with, I saw it on the confused faces of teachers when two women sat down for parents' evening and heard it in the lazy playground retorts of “well, at least my mum’s not a lesbian”.
Regardless of what the outside world may have felt I was missing, I have always felt completely whole - with two mums, a dad and a step-mum who love me unconditionally. I have never considered myself anything other than extremely lucky to have the family I do.
Our house has always been filled with love
Together, we created a safe space; from the notes my parents would leave one another on the kitchen fridge, to the people who walked into our home, always to be welcomed with open arms. My parents are role models to so many people, including my friends, who they’ve helped to come out and understand their own sexuality. They show love and support to everyone around them, and I’ve known from an early age that whoever I am, I will be accepted completely. So for me, being part of a same-sex family has never been painful, but the opposite.
There are, of course, things that are difficult to experience
They are mainly microaggressions: a well-meaning waitress asking if we’ve “left the husbands at home” when she serves our table, or people asking invasive questions about my own sexuality - as if it is inherited.
I have a particularly painful memory from primary school of being the only child not invited to a classmate’s birthday party, only to learn that her dad didn’t want the “daughter of lesbians” around his child. But if anything, these experiences only made me more protective of what we had, and aware of how precious it was. I never once wanted to hide from it.
I’ve always hated that some people treat being part of a same-sex family like it’s something I have to overcome, a caveat to my otherwise comfortable and happy life. But it is not in spite of my parents that I am the person I am, but because of them.
When I began dating, I was acutely aware that my experience would be different to other people’s. My family is such a huge part of my life that I have never hidden, but I also didn’t know how and when to bring it up on a date. Everyone in my life had always just known. Fortunately, it was never a problem with anyone I was seeing, but if it had been even slightly, it would have been a dealbreaker for me.
In my relationships, being with someone tolerant and accepting has always been a priority. The standard my parents set for love is so high that I’ve only ever wanted the same thing for myself. Seeing the way they support one another, I knew that I wanted to find someone to do the same for me. I feel so lucky that the relationship I’m in now gives me all of this and more.
They have shown me just how important every type of love is
My parents’ love story has never been a tragedy. They have endured so much, but from them, I learned that who you love and what that looks like is never something to be ashamed about. They taught me that it doesn’t matter how love looks, but how it feels – and that it can look like so many things.
Rather than shy away, they have always shown me the importance of existing in your full self. Going to Pride from a young age, I understood what a sacred space it was, and how important it was to feel safe and validated as your whole self.
I learned from them that even when it’s hard, love can be easy
I won’t romanticise the hardship my parents had to face, or be cliche about how love has the power to conquer all. Perhaps it does, but the reality is that they (or anyone else, for that matter) should never have had to overcome barriers just to be together.
But despite it all, they are easily one of the happiest couples I know. It has never mattered much what people thought or said, if they stared or looked the other way, they have always known what they have is stronger than anything anyone could ever throw at them.
More than anything, I have learned that love isn’t something to take for granted
Witnessing the strength of their love, and growing up right in the centre of it, has only made me realise how lucky I am. They have been together for two decades, but they still have to fight to prove their love every single day. I have never taken it for granted that, as a cis, straight woman, I won’t need to do the same. I’ll never have to sacrifice friends and family in order to follow my heart, or have the government tell me if and when I can get married. To love freely, without fear or judgement is an absolute privilege - one that I will always feel grateful for.
Throughout my life, there have been so many misconceptions about my family, but the one that baffled me the most was the assumption that my experience of love would be somehow skewed. In reality, the love my parents showed me and one another has made me a better daughter, friend and partner. Everything I know about love is from and because of them.