Written by Isabella Eastwood, freelance journalist
Coronavirus has impacted how we relate to one another, how we interact and communicate. With some of us forcibly separated from loved ones, and others catapulted into unexpected closeness, it’s become abundantly clear how important our relationships really are.
We’re all trying to keep afloat as best we can. But how do we manage these uncharted waters? How do we cope with the sudden isolation, or the unanticipated proximity?
I’ve found that most are coping the same way we’ve always coped with unexpected change or difficult circumstances: we share our stories.
So in the spirit of storytelling, enter Caitlin and Rebecca.
(image is available on full article version)
Caitlin and Rebecca’s situation is unique in itself.
They were friends for a year and a half, before the relationship evolved – rather unexpectedly – in the new year. They had been dating long-distance for about two months, with Rebecca in London, Caitlin in Glasgow, until Rebecca moved back to Scotland in mid-February. Then two weeks later, lockdown was looming, and they found themselves with a choice: stay apart for weeks, or try living together.
Obviously no couple wants to be apart from each other for ages, but Caitlin and Rebecca didn’t want to stay apart for one big reason: Caitlin, who is from Australia, has to fly back home on the 29th of May.
Caitlin – and now for the past couple of months, Rebecca – are my flatmates, and they agreed to share their experience as a new couple living together during lockdown.
While dating long-distance they made it work through four hour phone conversations and visits as often as they could. Anyone who has done the whole long-distance thing knows it’s far from ideal: so much is lost when we can’t physically feel someone, read their body language, make a little cocoon in their embrace.
But now their situation is reversed - they can’t get away from each other. Cabin fever is a universal symptom we all share. There is little space to breathe, to be quiet, to sit alone and define yourself outside of another person.
Despite only having been together for three months when the whole world turned upside down, there is a sense of easy comfort as they lean into each other, sprawled across the sofa.
Sat opposite them in Caitlin’s room, which sort of doubles as the living room, I get ready to grill them about the past two months.
Tell me about your decision to spend lockdown together. How did it come about? Did you consider any other way?
Caitlin: We didn’t even have a discussion about living together really, we just went for it.
Rebecca: I’d only moved back to Glasgow about a month before lockdown, and in that period of time we only had two or three nights apart.
There was never a question of us not spending it together, and the location wasn’t a question either because mine just wasn’t an option. Plus Caitlin’s room is bigger, and she’s actually friends with her flatmate… (i.e. yours truly)
Caitlin: And then we also just fell into it because you (me) were away for a couple of weeks, answer made the most of that. Then you (me) came back and lockdown started. We didn’t even speak about it. We obviously wanted to see each other.
Rebecca: But I can’t emphasise enough just how tiny my room is.
Caitlin: You’re basically only here for the room, that’s what we’ve established.
It was not entirely unsurprising to come back to an extra flatmate, given the circumstances. Given the very confined space we have to share, we’ve all managed remarkably well if I say so myself.
Nevertheless, however intimate I find our situation, there is a lot I don’t witness. I poke about, trying to draw out any juicy difficulties I may have missed for your reading pleasure.
Tell me about the more challenging aspects of your experience so far. There must have been some struggles? If you can’t tell each other now, when CAN you tell each other?
Caitlin: I guess our relationship kind of went from one extreme to the other. We went from friends, to long distance, to living together all the time.
And in addition to that it’s obviously been a pretty intense adjustment, and it’s tested my patience at times.
It feels like I have no space to myself, not only because of the lockdown, but because it’s been seven years since my last serious relationship.
And on top of all that it’s the first time I’ve lived with a partner. But it’s been easier than I expected and I’ve surprised myself how well I’ve adjusted.
I said when she first moved up I’d probably want to take it slow, and not spend all our time together… but then we just ended up spending it all together anyway.
Rebecca: I haven’t had my own space in a bedroom for six years, so my tolerance is really high without needing a break.
But I have to be conscious that that’s not how everyone else is. So we try to take our daily exercise as the opportunity to have our time apart, because you’re tempted to do it all together. There isn’t really a living room here and it’s not been possible to be in different rooms.
There was one time where we spent most of the morning in separate rooms, and then she just came in and said ‘I think we’re just both getting on each other’s nerves a little bit’ and I was like ‘…but I’ve just been sitting here!’
…She’s also not afraid to push you out of the way to get to the jigsaw puzzle if she wants to.
Caitlin: We have to remember everyone is more emotional right now. There’s too much thinking time, you have to sit with your feelings more. This is what it’s like for everyone.
I try to get more details about the various trials and tribulations they must have had to overcome, but they seem infuriatingly happy with each other.
They both emphasise that patience, honesty, and humour are vital to keeping their sanity – and I can confirm that the frequent laughter drifting through the walls seems to support this.
The fact that they are still in the early stages of their relationship has softened the sudden collision of their lives, and the last few weeks have brought them closer still.
Now that we’ve exhausted the ways in which they might annoy each other, I ask them:
Do you think moving in together has solidified your relationship?
Caitlin: We’re definitely closer than we were before. We said that we thought we loved each other maybe two, two and a half months ago – and that we had so much love for each other, and we did, but now we have so much more.
I definitely feel less giddy, but I’m more grounded. It feels more stable now.
Rebecca: There’s an intensity to our relationship anyway because of our circumstances. But the conditions have just reinforced the thoughts we had about spending the rest of our lives together.
There are certain conversations that we’re having because we have to in this kind of pressure cooker environment, that maybe we wouldn’t have had otherwise. But we’re definitely stronger for it.
Because we know Caitlin is going to leave soon, we want to make the most of the time that she’s here. You don’t want to be arguing, you want every day to be as good as possible, but then also you’re so emotional and there’s so much uncertainty.
Like when she booked a flight and that fell through… and then it’s also been emotionally heightened because of mental health stuff. It wouldn’t have necessarily come up otherwise because we were so happy and it was going so well.
Caitlin: I wake up and half of me is really happy because I get to wake up next to her – we still wake up and just look at each other and go “It’s you!” – and then the other half is really sad because the day I leave is getting closer. It’s really looming over us. So in a weird way it’s been a bit of a blessing that this has allowed us to spend more time together.
How we handle it really depends on how we’re feeling.
Some days we’re pragmatic, others we’re really positive and like ‘We can do it!’ and then there’s days where we’ve definitely just been weeping.
But even when we do cry, it never lasts the whole day. We remind ourselves it’s what we have to do for things to work out in the long run.
Rebecca: And getting to spend the time together and seeing how well it works has helped consolidate that that’s the plan in the long term.
However, while there are definitely moments of tension, there are positives to being forced into proximity: there’s no place to hide, and it’s paved the way for more straightforward and honest conversation.
Are there differences in how you deal with things? Do you ever have any issues communicating that?
Rebecca: I think that we have struggled slightly in that Caitlin wants to make things better. And in this lockdown situation, and in life too, sometimes I’m just sad, and Caitlin wants to get to the bottom of it because she’s a problem solver. But there’s not always a reason.
Caitlin: I’ve had to learn that I can’t make things immediately better, and I maybe need a bit more patience. Usually if something’s not right I need to fix it and talk about it quite quickly. And then when I’m sad Rebecca takes the joker route.
And does it work?
Caitlin: It’ll get an eye roll, like, ‘You think you’re funny but you’re not.’
But it does make me laugh.
Rebecca: So it does work!
Caitlin: Either way, whether in lockdown or not, communication is just so important.
Rebecca: And because we started longer distance, we were used to talking hours and hours anyway, it’s just how we do.
But I’ve had to change style too, like if there’s a disagreement and you say sorry, I’d just leave it in the past. I’ve learned there is value in looking into it and understanding what the problem was, why you reacted that way to that thing. It works better than just saying sorry and moving on and leaving it all unsaid.
Caitlin: It’ll all come to the surface anyway… but maybe go for your daily walk and then have a discussion. I’ve learned to take a breath, and to think about what to say before saying it, if I’m a little bit frustrated.
Rebecca: The thing is we’ve had so few arguments. The only argument we’ve had, like, proper argument where things got a little heated, was today… and where someone’s been shouting… because I had this unexplained sadness –
Caitlin: – And you knowthat a bit of exercise, or going for a walk will help! And when that wasn’t going to happen, I lost my patience, and went for my daily walk before coming back to discuss it. But I did leave in a huff.
Rebecca: In past relationships, I would have just said sorry and moved on. But Caitlin has said to me I need to not let people walk over me, so I decided that was the time to stand up for myself.
I think I said something like “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND MENTAL HEALTH!” but I’m also PMSing, and have been quite moany and sulky.
And we’re a bit opposite, I can kind of shut down. I don’t always have the mental energy to talk things out.
But now, I don’t know whether it’s been the lockdown or our relationship, I’ve just started talking a lot more about my feelings. We have so much time to just talk about everything, and so many things come up that we probably wouldn’t have gotten around to otherwise.
The way they admit their own faults is refreshing. There’s not an overwhelming sense of accusation, but a light-hearted kind of self-awareness. They know they’re different, and they’re figuring it out along the way.
Caitlin: I am coming to the realisation there are things I need to work on. I’ve always been aware that I lack patience, and can be a bit fiery… god I sound awful!
But I can imagine if we had an argument and we would have stayed in separate places it could have easily carried on for a few days. But now you resolve it and see what movie you want to watch.
Rebecca: I do think it can be good to be forced to stay together and confront the issue, see what the argument is about, and you might end up having a really good night. One time we had a bit of a discussion and I said ‘FINE I’m just going to live at mine for the rest of the lockdown’ but obviously I was never going to do that.
Caitlin: Yeah I think I just told you to shut up.
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I am sometimes amazed at despite how quickly everything seems to have unravelled in the last few months, Caitlin and Rebecca have maintained a level of stability that could be difficult to sustain even outside of a pandemic.
And what seems to come through most is them being honest with each other, even when it’s embarrassing, or difficult.
You can read more of Isabella’s work here.