Written by Xenia Ellenbogen
When we talk about how to decide if you should move forward in a relationship, there are typically two helpful signals: red flags and green flags. What we don’t talk about enough are yellow flags. Rather than keep going in a relationship or end it all, yellow flags indicate the need to proceed slowly.
To learn more about yellow flags in relationships, we talked with Chris Pleines, a dating expert from Dating Scout.
So, what’s the difference between a red and yellow flag?
Red flags are warning signs of potentially toxic behaviour and are signifiers to avoid a relationship entirely. Some examples of red flags are: jealousy early on, controlling behaviours, or a history of emotional or physical violence. Green flags exist on the opposite side of the spectrum and are signs that signify smooth sailing: you have fun together, want the same things, and it’s easy to communicate.
Unlike red flags, yellow flags don’t always signify the demise of a relationship. Pleines explains, “A yellow flag does not carry the same weight as a red flag. Sometimes they are simply misunderstandings and can easily be identified and addressed.” While these signs aren’t to be dismissed entirely, you might want to go slowly and watch them before making more significant relationship decisions like labelling a relationship, moving in together, marriage, or having children.
“Yellow flags don’t mean that your relationship is at risk. They’re more like a warning sign that you need to work on something,” says Pleines. Every single relationship has issues or signals that could fall into “yellow flag” territory.
Common yellow flags in relationships
1. Moving too quickly
Moving too quickly in relationships can be a sign that you’re both giddy with excitement, but it could also mean you haven’t had ample time to get to know one another.
2. Indecisiveness in the relationship
Contrary to popular belief, it’s OK to be indecisive at the start of a relationship. Not everyone just knows, and sometimes people may have trauma or prior history that makes it hard to know exactly how to proceed. Indecisiveness is one to watch, and while it may be OK at the start of a relationship, it doesn’t bode well if it continues into a committed relationship.
3. They make assumptions about you
People may make assumptions based on their prior experiences. If you’ve tried to correct a potential partner after they’ve made an assumption about you and they continue to do so, it may be a sign that they can’t get to know you completely.
4. They talk negatively about their ex
Stuff happens, and people with the best intentions can have relationships that go awry. But if this person has a habit of blaming their ex for the breakdown of their relationship or talk negatively about them, it could be a warning sign.
5. They respond poorly to criticism
If someone responds poorly to criticism once, it could just be a human response. If the pattern repeats, this could turn into a red flag that leads to you walking on eggshells.
6. Clinginess or wanting to spend all their time with you
Spending all your time together can be natural in the honeymoon phase of a relationship. But if the pattern continues beyond the beginning of a relationship, it could be a sign of co-dependency.
What should you do when you notice a yellow flag?
Often, the culmination of someone’s prior trauma, family, and relationship history can influence which flags may show up in someone. When you notice one, the best approach depends on how severe the flag is, how frequently it occurs, and what it might mean for how you feel about your relationship.
It’s difficult to create an exhaustive list of yellow flags because what’s worrisome for some might be entirely acceptable for others. Some people might experience a partner having a relationship with an ex as a potential yellow flag; others might see no concern there. Yellow flags can depend on your unique goals and boundaries. How you decide to proceed with yellow flags depends on what behaviours you ultimately do or don’t agree with.
“Yellow flags usually don’t warrant for any drastic action, but watch out for them as they may weaken the foundation of the relationship,” says Pleines. Talking about yellow flags early on and implementing boundaries in the relationship can stop the potentially worrisome behaviour from growing.
Can yellow flags in relationships be healthy?
Most relationships aren’t black or white, or in this case, green or red. Yellow flags aren't always bad for a relationship; they can encourage people to proceed slowly. Pleines says, “A relationship can still thrive despite personal differences if both parties are willing to give, take, reciprocate, and compromise for love.”
