Written by Paisley Gilmour
We’ve come so far in our willingness to talk about sexual pleasure and desire in recent years. Sex toy sales are booming, masturbation is considered to be a vital part of self-care and sex-positive quotes are all over social media. Why then, do so many of us still clam up at the very thought of talking about STIs with a new partner? Research* from Badoo reveals 52% of daters find it awkward, with 1 in 5 having unsafe sex because they were afraid of broaching the subject.
While we might post infographics about the importance of communication, or make jokes about sex with our friends at the pub, sitting someone we hardly know down to ask about their STI status can still feel really daunting. As scary as it might feel to bring sexual health up when we first start dating a new person, we have to overcome that fear and tackle the stigma. Especially because 63% of daters in Badoo’s survey* said they find it attractive when someone is open about their sexual health. And, while over half a million people in the UK are diagnosed with an STI every year, a report by vegan condom brand HANX found a reassuring 89% of people wouldn’t think negatively of a friend who’d had one.
Why we need to have these conversations
The reality is that most people still feel shame and awkwardness around sexual health. "Our sexual health is simply part of our overall health, and while it can feel a little different because of social stigma and unpacked sexual shame, it truly should be no different than disclosing to your partner that you’ve caught the flu before a date," explains Poppy Lepora, a pleasure educator and owner of Self & More.
If we avoid or ignore these discussions, we’re more likely to contract and spread STIs. Talking openly about these matters also builds trust and honest communication between sexual partners - and this is important whether it’s a one night stand or a monogamous relationship.
Why it’s so hard to talk about STIs
Our lack of sex education has led to some harmful misconceptions around STIs, which only feed into the idea that we shouldn’t talk about them. "A lot of stigma comes from old-fashioned stereotypes [like having an STI means] you’re 'dirty' or 'promiscuous'. Even the language perpetuates damaging ideas," explains Emily Prichard, from the vegan condom brand HANX. "Ever heard of someone 'admitting' to having an STI? It’s not a crime and we need to counteract the idea that having one has any impact on your worth as a person."
"Vulnerability is hard. Shame and the fear of rejection can become all-consuming," say Lacey and Flynn, sex coaches and hosts of the Lacey & Flynn Have Sex podcast. If you feel anxious about discussing sexual health, it’s useful to try and understand the root of those feelings. "You can then witness them with love and develop skills to greet these sticky feels, be with them, then release them," Lacey and Flynn add.
Remember if you feel nervous, it’s fine to tell the other person you’re feeling that way. Chances are they’ll relate or at least appreciate your honesty.
Know your own STI status
Before demanding to see someone’s STI test results, make sure you know your own status. Taking your own health seriously and making sure you’re getting tested regularly is the first step to true sexual health happiness.
Have the conversation early on and *before* you have sex
As tricky as it can feel to chat about sexual health on the first date, have the talk early on. You don’t have to go in there all, "I’ve had chlamydia, have you?" before you’ve ordered your starter. But if you think there’s a chance you’ll have sex with them, let the cat (STI chat) out of the bag (your mouth) before things go any further.
This is a wonderfully smart way to gauge how well-equipped your potential partner is at having challenging but necessary conversations. If they become defensive or aggressive, dismiss your request, or ridicule you, this may be a sign they’re not taking their own sexual health seriously, let alone yours. Having respect for our bodies and our partners’ bodies should be the bare minimum.
It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of getting to know someone, but don’t wait until the moment you’re about to have sex to bring it up. Any discussion about sex that could be potentially awkward and involves people revealing vulnerabilities should happen outside of the bedroom. Just ask any sex therapist!
How to initiate the conversation
Face-to-face is the ideal way to have ‘The Chat’. It’s easier to tell how someone is really feeling and if they’re being honest in their responses. But, many of us struggle to initiate these kinds of conversations, and doing it IRL can feel like running before we can walk. If the idea of having to look someone in the eye and ask them outright when they last had an STI test makes you feel physically sick, ask them over message, voice note, or phone call. Ultimately, the goal is to communicate your boundaries and get the answers you need.
What to say and what to ask
You can start by telling your partner when you last had a test and how often you usually have them, and then ask them to share in response. This way, it doesn’t come across as accusatory and is less likely to get a defensive or negative reaction.
Discuss the protection or contraception you prefer to use and ask if they have any preference. Be honest and listen to - and respect! - each other’s preferences.
Communicate your boundaries around sexual health clearly. For example, if you only want to use condoms, say. Don’t worry about coming across as ‘too demanding’ or ‘high maintenance’ simply for stating your boundaries.
Sharing any relevant details of your sexual or sexual health past may also be useful, if that feels important to you.
We asked real people on social media how they navigate having these conversations.
"He gave me his results as a gift"
When Lacey and Flynn started dating, Lacey told him she wanted to see his STI status in writing. "He went right away to the doctor, did a full sexual health screening then brought the results around as a gift for me," she explains. "It was funny but also really reassuring to see how committed he was to making me feel seen and comfortable."
"I do it over text message"
"I usually do it over text message. I feel like when it’s on the spot, people are more likely to people please and so are more likely to just agree," says Tommy. "I say, “I’m taking STI tests about once a month, so I’m keen to know how often you’re taking them." They say people have responded positively to this approach.
"I tell them I have herpes in advance"
Jen** instigates sexual health conversations as soon as she feels sex could be on the cards. "I have herpes and tend to mention it in advance, so they’ve got time to process or research. I’ve only ever had one person respond badly and not want to f**k, which I totally respected."
"It always feels deeply unsexy to raise it, and the fear of rejection is always there, but ultimately I’ve never passed it on to a partner, male or female, in seven years of having it. Ultimately, an uncomfortable conversation is way better than someone contracting herpes from me and only finding out after the fact."
She’s also found it to be a great gauge of whether someone is worth continuing to date. If they react badly, then probably not.
"I’m really upfront"
Rhiannon avoids worrying about STIs down the line by having the chat straight away. "If I find out they haven’t got a good attitude towards sex and are being secretive then I don’t want anything to do with them."
She’ll ask people how they view sex, consent, and bring up the lack of education in schools to start a conversation. "I always stay polite and give the benefit of the doubt so they have no reason to get angry and are much more likely to listen. But I’m not willing to date someone that isn’t willing to admit to being wrong or learn."
Plucking up the courage to discuss safer sex with someone you barely know may feel like the meanest feat in the world, but as these real stories show, it’s well worth getting over the fear. Not only will it get easier every time you do it, but it’ll also lead to safer, more enjoyable, pleasurable and just, well… better sex *and* relationships. What’s not to love about that?
*Consumer research was conducted by OnePoll, surveying 1,000 daters in the United Kingdom from 11 to 19 August 2021
**Name has been changed
