Written by Rhiannon Ingle
By now, most of us are familiar with quiet quitting when it comes to the workplace. But, you may not have heard that the latest buzzword is now being applied to romantic relationships.
You may be wondering; ‘How on earth do you quiet quit your own relationship?’, ‘How do I know if I’m being quiet quit’ on?’ or, even, ‘Have I been quiet quitting on my partner?”. But, not to worry as we’ve gone straight to the source to make clear exactly what this ambiguous new phrase entails.
From definitions to ways of coping, we’ve checked in with a relationship expert to get the lowdown on everything to do with the infamous ‘quiet quit’. Relationship therapist,
Alex, told us all about the all-new phrase popping off on social media.
So, first things first, what even is ‘quiet quitting’?
Quiet quitting is when a partner remains distant and passive, yet doesn't leave the relationship. Now let’s unpack that. The phrase, co-opted from language more commonly used in the workplace, has resurfaced. It draws comparisons between employees who put in the minimum effort required to do their job alongside partners who do the same within their romantic relationships.
A person’s attitude is a key point in determining this pattern within couples. When a partner remains in a relationship but develops a persistently withdrawn attitude, a quiet quit is silently brewing. Alex explains that this could mean that they “stop engaging in the relationship, avoid intimacy and are not interested in facing or resolving problems within the relationship.”
What does a ‘withdrawn attitude’ look like?
A withdrawn attitude can hugely vary from partner to partner however, Alex points out some general telltale signs to be aware of:
1. Actively not including your partner in future plans
2. A breakdown of affection
3. Emotional infidelity
So, why do some people end up quiet quitting their romantic relationships?
There can be a whole host of reasons why someone would want to leave a relationship. But, when it comes to quiet quitting - it’s clearly not your average blow-up break-up situation. Alex boils it down to two types of so-called ‘quiet quitters’.
The first, she explains, is where a partner is aware that they no longer want to continue with their relationship. Alex says, “it could be that they want their partner to end the relationship, believing that their partner will suffer less if it’s their decision.” Typically, leaving a relationship requires courage and it can be quite difficult when one person realises that they are no longer romantically interested in their partner.
Perhaps the individual is simply just unable to embrace that fact or, alternatively, Alex suggests that it could be because “they don’t want to feel the guilt of ending the relationship or have the responsibility of leaving the relationship placed on themselves.” Effectively, they would have some sort of relief knowing that their partner decided to end the relationship rather than themselves.
And the second type?
Unlike the first type of ‘quiet quitter’ who is aware of their “checking out” of the relationship, this second type doesn't communicate the change in their feelings or intentions outright.
Alex describes this as “relationship burnout” where individuals exhibit quiet quitting behaviours unintentionally. More common in long-term relationships, Alex points out that this burnout happens when one person’s “sense of belonging to their partner is so strong and deep-rooted that it’s inconceivable for the individual to consider a life without it.”
So, we know the definition, the signs and the types of quiet quitting - but how do we go about coping with it?
If you’re umming and ahhing over whether you think your partner is giving you the quiet quit or vice versa, our relationship expert has come through with some words of wisdom on how to best navigate what could be a very sticky situation.
Alex says that the most important step to take is “to identify whether you are being quiet quit on.” She explains that it is totally normal for relationships to go through a whole heap of different stages and life stages and that “sometimes people may temporarily neglect their relationship so that they can focus on other issues going on in their life.”
Instead of going into panic mode and thinking up the worst-case scenario, Alex advises that you should communicate with your partner and discuss the current struggles to find a resolution together.
But what if I’ve already tried that?
If you find yourself in a situation where your partner still isn’t communicating openly and is exhibiting quiet quitting behaviours, Alex suggests that you do these two things:
- Try to create a safe space where you can have a conversation to address your wants and needs with your partner.
- Choose an appropriate time and place where you can both talk freely without judgment, blame or aggression.
Alex calls this practice a “relationship check-up”.
So…what now?
Quiet quitting is a hard thing to go through. So, it’s important that we all focus on self-care and being kind to ourselves because let’s face it, life is too short to be with someone who can’t communicate healthily.
While we want to be loved, create commitments and invest in a shared future within our romantic relationships, it’s vital that if you do not feel loved that you do not compromise on your feelings.
Instead, here are some things you can do to pick yourself back up:
- Document how you’re feeling! Pen thoughts on your phone, film yourself ranting on your laptop, record voice memos of things that made you happy that day - just let it all out.
- Stock up your fridge with food that makes you feel good.
- Take some time to enjoy being with yourself and not having to perform for anyone.
- Talk to friends and family about it. Then talk some more. And more.
- Get lost in a book, a series, or a new-found love of crochet - find something you can easily do that brings you happiness.
A relationship is “a tango of two dancers”, as Alex says, and you are only able to work on it together. If you have made the effort to communicate and you’re still in the same situation then you need to stop investing time and energy in a partner who is no longer investing in you.
Re-direct that energy towards yourself because remember, you deserve someone who wants to invest in you just as much as you do in them.
