Written by Xenia Ellenbogen

You’re back on the dating apps post-breakup and getting a full swiping workout when you come across a profile that stops you dead in its tracks. It’s your ex. You’re suddenly flooded with warm memories as you see their profile picture, that dimple on their right cheek, and their toothy smile. Maybe you should send a message. But do you want to get back together, or are you experiencing momentary nostalgia? We checked in with a few experts to get the lowdown on how to tell the difference between feeling sentimental about a past relationship versus wanting to rekindle it.

First off, nostalgia is a longing for a time in the past that may have been fun, easy, loving, or passionate. As an isolated experience, nostalgia can create warm, fond feelings like a sepia-toned snapshot of a happy time.

When nostalgia takes over, it’s like viewing your relationship with tinted glasses and not fully seeing the entire landscape: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

How do you know if you feel nostalgic about an ex or want to get back together?

Nostalgia is normal–but it shouldn’t cloud your judgement

It’s important to remember that nostalgia is a normal feeling—it makes sense that you’d think about someone you spent time with, experienced life changes with, or were vulnerable with. From relationships that lasted a few weeks to years, anyone can experience nostalgia for an ex, no matter how grand or devastating the relationship was. There’s nothing you need to do, per se, about nostalgia. But it’s important not to let nostalgia solely make your choices.

One delineating factor is that nostalgia focuses on a snapshot of a happier time while getting back with an ex involves considering the larger picture. Counsellor and relationship coach Heather Thom advises that before you make any decision, you should “ensure you’re ready to make an effort to improve the relationship if the opportunity presents itself.”

Life coach, Catherine Wilde, said that when considering opening a past relationship, “You need to examine your feelings and motivations. If you’re just reminiscing about good times shared or happy memories, that’s normal–but it may not indicate a desire to reunite. However, if you find yourself constantly thinking about the ex and longing for their company, then it’s likely that you still have feelings for them and may want to try getting back together.”

Look at the bigger picture

If you’re considering texting your ex, make sure you’ve examined the entire contents of your previous relationship. If you experience fond feelings about an isolated memory or a holiday you took together but haven’t thought about when times weren’t smooth sailing, you’re likely operating only from a place of nostalgia. Though it might be painful, thinking about any rocky patches or patterns in the relationship can be a helpful factor in choosing whether to rekindle a connection.

One way to think about the bigger picture of a relationship is to consider how and why it ended, explained Wilde. “If you ended the relationship because you weren’t compatible or had different goals, then it’s likely that you would have the same issues if you got back together.”

Considering any feelings the relationship brought up, such as anger, belittlement, betrayal, consistent sadness, anxiety, anger, overwhelm, or other intense responses can help you decide. If you frequently experienced these feelings and have no new approach, mindset, boundaries, or coping tools, they’ll likely start again.

Before you send that text…

Speak to family and friends

Operating from a place of nostalgia might cause you to act impulsively and reach out to a former partner on a whim. It can be helpful to ask trusted friends and family for an opinion on restarting a past relationship. The people who are close to you will likely have fast responses! Friends and family can also help remind you of what your relationship was actually like if your memory is a bit hazy.

Consider any red flags

Red flags are indicators that a relationship might be a bad idea. “If your ex has exhibited abusive behaviour in the past, or if they have a history of cheating, these would be red flags indicating that it might not be wise to pick up where you left off. If the reason for the split was something that could potentially happen again, it's likely the relationship won’t be successful,” said Wilde. Typically, abusive or toxic patterns will restart along with the relationship that carried it.

Be totally honest with yourself

Before making any decisions, it’s helpful to dig deep into your intentions and reasons for considering getting back with your ex. Thom advised asking yourself, “Do you want to get back with your ex because you love them and you're both willing to work on the relationship or is it because you don't want to be alone?” Some other questions to consider are:

• Did your ex have the capacity to meet your needs then or love you the way you wanted?
• Are you settling by restarting your relationship or is it actually what you want?
• Has anything changed? Expect that the other person is the same as they were in the relationship unless they’ve made a concerted effort to show you otherwise, such as going to therapy or implementing other life changes for the better.

When you’re feeling lonely, having a tough time, or caught in a state of nostalgia, the idea of teleporting back to a time when you were happy in a relationship might seem appealing. But, it’s impossible to go back to the past. You’ve likely grown and experienced life changes since that moment, and so has your ex.

It’s normal to miss your ex, still feel love for them, or wistfully remember earlier times. But sometimes, it’s best to leave relationships in the past. There are plenty of amazing new connections waiting for you.

Read our top tips for moving on from an ex here.